I just went all emo(tional) and thought about a lot of things.
And I went this close to saying:
"I want to give everything up."
Whenever people tell me that, I'll just be like, oh no you cannot la. Cuz I've never understood how they've felt and the line doesn't impact me. And now I'm feeling it myself. I suddenly feel like letting go of everything.
I've been thinking. I've been so stressed, just didn't realise how much I was actually worrying about 'till today. School, friends, studies, council, family. Studies and more studies.
Its like, a hell lot to me. I think I'm going crazy, doing so much of the subject that I hate to actually be able to say I'm starting to like it. And now that I've realised I'm actually pushing myself to study more than I usually do for other exams, I'm afraid of failing.
Link that to family. Its like even if I tried my best, I still won't be as good. I'd be letting them down, literally.
I'm worrying about so many people, and I wanna stop worrying. My friends, family. I wanna stop worrying about them and start worrying about myself and get all narcissistic and stuff. But I can't.
In council now, its like I've made good friends from our so-called clique, but its the workload and stuffs that are bothering me. Its like we can never get our point across, and I'm worried about what if the sec2s really nominate me to be level head?
What if I get chosen in the end? What kind of responsibility will I bear? Can I cope? What about my studies? I DON'T THINK I'M CAPABLE. And I'm going nuts. I'm asking myself so much, only to receive negative answers.
Tryna think positive, nah. Not working.
Among the people I'm worrying about, 4 will have to be my gran, my mom, AGEK and anonymous. I got really fustrated just now and went to take a shower, at like 1am. And I just stood there for nearly an hour thinking and crying till I got all pruny like a raisin.
Haha Kerrie, now I know why you call me your raisin.
I was thinking about my gran. I saw her again this morning when walking to the carpark with dad, and she was going to Bishan Park to exercise with her friend(s). Then I noticed her legs at her ankles area. They seemed so skinny.
I was not in much of a hurry so I walked slowly beside her and held her hand. I really wanted to cry. Her hands are so.. worn out, skinny, rough. Yet she's still so concerned about me. I know she always seems strong but whenever I visit her she's talking to me about feeling pain in her back and stuffs but when I wanna drag her to see the Chinese doc she'll say she's fine and give me a smile. D:
My mom keeps getting sick nowadays too. I saw this small stack of about 4 medicines and all were under her name. Its like, for dizziness, headache, stomach pains, etc. I actually cried after seeing it la, just didn't ask her about her medicine.
AGEK.. I don't know. I don't feel as close to them anymore, much less the 1Endeavour'06 darls. There's always one problem here and there among us, at the start of the year, then now. Shan't state I guess. Maybe its just me.
And anonymous. Please don't push yourself too hard. D:
If what drives people to go all crazy and kill themselves like how Soreli tried killing himself cuz he thought he killed Mozart is all this, I'd be next in line.