G E E B E E ▲ ∆

Gwendolyn N.
20 years young, a dreamer with a slight obsession for the lemniscate.

Friday, April 24, 2015

The Road to Self-Acceptance

This will always be something difficult to talk about.

Hello there, I haven't blogged in a really, really long time. But this topic popped into my mind a while ago, and I felt a particularly strong urge to pen whatever I thought of down.

As I sit here typing – cup of green tea with honey, and bowl of leftover beehoon spammed with McDonald's garlic chilli that I am literally gobbling up between words, I still feel self-conscious about myself.

Am I sitting in such a way my belly is sticking out? Ooh hugging this pillow might help that.

Ugh my face feels soooooooo fat.

Sigh I've been feeling flabby the past week. This 0.6kg weight gain before my period is really killing me.

The best part? I'm at home. I'm not somewhere where people would look at me, not somewhere where people could judge me for what I look like.

Yet I feel self-conscious.

As I heated up my leftover dinner (now supper as it's 11.55pm) first thing as I came home tired and hungry from work, I considered how in the 15-minute walk home I had to consider the "consequences" of eating dinner at such a timing even though I had fairly little over the day.

A slice of bread with half-peanut butter-half-Ovomaltine (this Ovomaltine spread is da bomb guys, please try it) for breakfast, a steamed pork bun before work, a teriyaki chicken burger from Mos Burger (not even the fries and milk tea set! I surprised myself a little there), and a few bites of a croquette from my colleage-cum-bestfriend before knocking off from work...

And now a small bowl of leftovers, coupled with my freshly brewed honey green tea.

I think I had a reasonable amount now that I've typed that all out. But throughout the day, I couldn't shake off the feeling that I've had too much. After the burger I felt horribly guilty, the "why did I eat so much?!" thoughts filling my head.

This is all unhealthy behaviour.

Guess how it all began.... again (yes this is a vicious cycle that happens to me all too often).

A comment from a co-worker saying how I looked like I gained weight from the last time she saw me, even after I've lost a bit.

Losing 12kg was a curse in disguise.

It came coupled with the fact that gaining back even a little bit of weight would make me jittery.

I would look at my thighs in disgust. What are these? Pig trotters?!!

Being prone to stomach problems does not help at all. I have to tolerate being so bloated I look a little pregnant. I have to tolerate being constipated and gassy for weeks.

Being female doesn't help either. Gaining a bit of weight 2 weeks before my period (that's what's happening now, and I feel horrible) makes me wanna hide in my room to mope around and cry the day away... but I can't. I feel FAT. I feel UGLY. I feel SLUGGISH. I feel hungry all the time and it makes me feel GUILTY.

I've been doing some reflection and I've been asking myself, why should I feel the way I do?

Just a few weeks ago, my weight went down after being high in my few months as a university student. I felt so comfortable, confident, and I felt like myself.

That one comment made me realise that after losing almost all of the 2kg that I've gained while in school and feeling the most confident I've felt in 4 months.. I'm still not society's standard of what a woman should look like.

Advertisements everywhere scream in my face how women should be a size 0, have thigh gaps and flawless skin.

I am none of that.

And the sad thing is that I'm struggling to accept that.

For the shortest time after losing 2kg, I've felt so liberated from these toxic thoughts. I'm pretty sure women everywhere know how I feel, victimised by these advertisements with skinny women with perfect skin and hair.

But I need to remind myself – and all the women out there – that we are beautiful regardless of what we look like.

We should all feel comfortable in our skin, and accept that we are who we are.

Sadly, not every female accepts herself and trusts that her body is doing what it's meant to do. It's sad that a conversation with my girlfriends has to always move on to the topic of how our thighs aren't slim, our hair's horrible, we have eyebags, we have feet manly huge feet instead of dainty small feet (this occured to me while in Korea, when a group of friends and I spotted shoes and decided to buy the same pair. I had to, however, pay almost 15,000won EXTRA for the exact same shoes because the shopkeeper said I had "namja feet" – man feet. *cries*)

I am on the road to accepting myself, amidst all the PMS and sluggishness and all. I just wasn't born to be a certain way, and I should keep reminding myself of that.

A little weight gain before my period doesn't matter, my body is doing what it's supposed to do and I'm pretty sure it'll all go away soon.

(It had better.)

So maybe, we should all start looking in the mirror and loving what we see, instead of pinching our "fatty areas". I do that every time I look at my body in the mirror, and this habit should stop.

Maybe, just maybe..

I am beautiful.