I'm serious. I was unhappy and decided that instead of spaghetti for my usual spaghetti Sundays (I eat spaghetti every Sunday night for dinner), I wanted to drink soup. With meat balls.. and udon.
I love meat balls. So far my most favourite food maybe, because I eat it every night with soup. My Mom says I shouldn't be so concerned with my weight, and tells everyone who asks why I eat so little that I'm on a diet. Oh well, not as if I have much of an appetite since last year to begin with.
Not having a camera for so long now has been making me feel.. as if I were claustrophobic. Seeing others getting better in what I love makes me feel useless.
But Zahra jiejie told me good news that Nadya jiejie has a lot of Lomo cameras. She listed at least 5 models and said there were some more that she forgot about. Some of the Lomo cameras, Nadya jiejie took to Melbourne with her. But some are still in Singapore, and Zahra jiejie told me that I could play with them if I wanted to.
The winds today are more or less satisfying to my skin. Namely, the supposed blood test tomorrow getting me nervous. I don't know what to expect, "ant bite" might not be how I feel. Planning to bring a blindfold and my iPod.
Told Aaron I wanted to watch a movie with the sec4 sailors. Surprisingly, it took me a while to realise I want to find who the trues are. Perhaps they slipped my mind as much as I slipped back into oblivion, or perhaps I just decided to shut them off one point of time. But Zahra jiejie told me that secondary school is where you make the friends that you'll most prolly be with for life, for you will never make the same bonds you will make now for.. ever.
I want to find myself. (My udon's getting cold)
This is very in depth for me, but I presume that I lost myself somewhere. Anywhere. Its taking me a while, but I'm finally starting to see results. No longer am I seeing myself in a bad light, okay fine I still am but I am taking things lightly now. I am who I am, what others change will not change me.
Talked to Zahra jiejie in her car after the James Hill and Anne Davison concert, while eating the Whopper burger I ordered at the East Coast Burger King drive-thru with her. Never experienced sitting in a car that isn't moving for an hour under my block just because we were enjoying a drive-thru meal. She heard me out as I spoke, and understood how it is because someone very dear to the both of us is experiencing what I am going thru now.
Breaking the Code of Cousin (or so she calls it) made her angry. Nadya jiejie too. Its not a nice feeling to know that the two people I respect and love a lot in my life are both either so busy teaching at a secondary school or far, far away in Melbourne. Nevertheless Nadya jiejie made me laugh at her Facebook mail. Both of them had the same reaction to the situation but oh well, it comforted me knowing I can always turn to them for teenagerly advice (tho they are no longer teenagers, more of very young at heart) or just someone to talk to.
It is hard for loved ones of the people who suffer from depression, because they have no idea what to do to help. As much as they want to help, they can't. Therefore they take the "Can you just snap out of it??!" approach. This, is definitely not the right way to do things. People with depression are helpless, as much as they want to snap out of it, they can't. They feel that they are trying their best, but why can no one see that?
People do not step into the shoes of theirs and see things in their P.O.V. They get shunned and for what? Being in something they have no absolute control of? They lose friends in the process but why? Helpless with their situation and no one to turn to.. how can ANYONE expect them to recover from their current isolated state?
Though, I've stopped wallowing in self-pity and realised that doing things that I love best is the only thing I should do whenever something gets me down.
I want to find myself, I want to be true and whole again.
Starting from people I've hurt in the process of losing myself would be a good thing.
Which reminds me, I need to find someone to accompany me for my blood test. I don't want to go alone, I suppose I will freak out. Can I tell my Mom that I refuse to go?
I don't want to find out the results either cuz I don't want to be put on medication and pills and whatever they will throw at hyperthyroids patients. Then going back for a bloody blood test a year or so later to see if the thyroid gland is in control or something? Thank goodness I'm only suspected of hyperthyroids and nothing else more serious, but hyperthyroids alone can get someone really down due to what it does to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment