My knuckles now sting when I touch them.
I shouldn't have punched the walls.
Now I know why, even if I said I loved my parents, I don't know the extent of that statement. Even if it was to a great extent, it wouldn't be.. for long.
You don't know how much it sucks to be told in the face how unhappy your mother is whenever she goes out with you.
"Your mommy always comes back moody and in a bad mood whenever she goes out with you. Now I know why."
"Ya, she's always like that. I was NEVER happy whenever I go out with her."
Woah, those words just keep ringing in my ears. Tear triggerer.
How many times have I planned my little escape?
I always plan it, but in the end I think, "Maybe I shouldn't, I really should be thanking God for giving me such a family. At least I have shelter, food, etc."
Why when I am a little goody-two-shoes, my parents don't ever say anything about how happy they are?
Why, ever since young, when I cry, I get SCOLDED for crying?
Even if the reasons were okay?
Why, everytime I'm angry and I spend my day frowning and tsk-ing but never, EVER taking it out on my parents, I get comments like:
- "You BETTER behave, don't give me a reason to scold you in public."
- "If you keep doing that, people will just turn around and give you one tight slap I tell you."
- "Gwen, you better stop that. YOU HEAR ME??! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
Why, can't I even buy a pair of shorts without my dad asking "Is it too short annot? Later boys -blahblahblah-"
WHY CAN'T I F****** GROW UP IN PEACE?
WHY EVERYTHING, EVERY LITTLE THING I DO TO SHOW I AM MORE MATURED (even if its buying fucking clothings), YOU TALK ABOUT ME GROWING UP LIKE ITS A SHAME, LIKE I SHOULDN'T?
(like during the MF dinner? I was not even VERY dressed up. And you keep talking to Alicia like, "What did you do with my daughter?". OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!)
AND WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME LIKE I EMBARASS YOU?
OH, SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD ME.
Its sad, but this is what you get for not having protected sex.
Why not I just end my life? You two weren't sensitive enough to realise anything that was going on. Instead, each day I come home quiet, you threaten to whack me, scold me, slap me?
When I'm pissed, I can't even get the quietness I need to cool down.
You two will "What is wrong with you? HUH? GWEN? HUH?".
Then when you're pissed off, you take it out on me!
I can still remember, at Eileen's place. Just cuz you fucked up a day at work, you call me and tell me to go home. Then I talk nicely to you and I was even laughing because my tone was so light-hearted. What do YOU do?
You fucking scold me!
(And guess what,
thats the ONLY thing you know how to do!)
Then you take it out on me, so badly that even when I hold the phone away from my ear, I can hear you shouting, scolding me at the other end!!
Then I get an sms from daddy, "Better come home soon, your mommy had a bad day at work."
SO ITS MY FAULT YOU HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK?!
F*** YOU!
I was even nice enough to come home and ask nicely, "Hey mom, daddy said you had a bad day at work. What happened? Okay annot?"
And you can come tell me "Not only that ah, I'm mad at your brother also."
SO YOU TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON ME WHENEVER YOU ARE MAD AT GER??!
When I have a bad day in school I only come back gloomy, and I go into my room to mope about it. Then you scold me for always locking myself up in the room, for always not spending time with you.
IF I spent time with you guys when I'm in my bad-mood-cuz-of-school mood, I'll fucking just shout every time you guys annoy me!!!
Why the fuck do I give so much consideration to what YOU think before I do anything?
I don't even tell you how I feel because I know sometimes I would get pissed, even if it is matters from school. Thats why I don't say a thing! Cuz I know I will upset you if I talk to you about how I feel and I start getting more pissed.
Then what do you do?
Scold me.
SCOLD ME,
SCOLD ME,
SCOLD ME!!!
If tomorrow wasn't Uncle Darren's wedding,
you can happily kiss my ass goodbye man.
I'm gonna rant at my livejournal.
No comments:
Post a Comment