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rawr! i dont feel sleepy! wondering where my pick for my guitar!!! NYUUUUUUUUUUUUU! (copyrighted BEN! :D)

damn my legs are freezing. Brr.


i suddenly feel so... inferior.
i suddenly feel like... life's not perfect.
i suddenly feel like... life's hell.
i suddenly feel that... i dont belong.
i suddenly feel that... she's trying to smash my heart into pieces indirectly.
i suddenly feel that... she's making up lies.
i suddenly feel that... she's making my life hell.
i suddenly feel that... she's happy i'm not around.


i suddenly feel that... i hate life.

all these suddenly-s. i dont mean suddenly, but i gradually, and slowly. 3 more freaking years to pass secondary school. with her around? i feel like i had a heart attack and she's happy about it. i suddenly feel very xin tong.

not belong-ing? Its true. I just feel, they love her over me. I'm not appreciated. i'm a nuisance. why? why? WHY? i mean, i dont need to be appreciated. i know i hardly ever was. is my madness and lameness a nuisance for her? do i irritate her? do i irritate them? do they actually hate me, and hope to stab me in the back with those knives that lay hidden in their jackets?


damn life. people said i looked upset these few days. i try, yes i try to smile. but i sometimes ask myself: "Is that smile of yours... forced?"

I dont know the answer. it comes naturally. People give me that smile, but people take away that smile. Who takes away that smile? They should know.


I think i know why I look so miserable to my friends now.

I guess its stress, stress over studies.
i'm now trying to force myself to relearn the whole sec 1 Math textbook again during the holidays. i doubt it'll be successful though. Damn. Why must life be filled with stress, worry and tears?

Secondly, a problem.
I dont wish to share it, only to my closest friends, AGEEK. Elizabeth, I'm refering to you too. I guess inside I still love you loads, even though I dont show it. You and Kerrie are one of the first few best friends I've made in Mayflower Sec, and our friendship is a friendship not to be forgotten. I feel I can trust you guys and heed your advice.

Its only during the holiday period that I've really sat down and thought, do I actually hate/dislike this person (not refering to anyone in particular) that much?

Sometimes, I think I do.

Do you?


I guess I'm thinking too much about everything I'm thinking of now.
Or AM I?

Maybe its cos its now 5.40AM, that I'm feeling cranked up. But I doubt so. This thought I have...
I think I'm gonna explode now.