Feelings

Recently I've been in a funk of sorts.

It wasn't until this week that I started reflecting on my life, thinking about what I've been doing and where I'll go from now. I am happily in a relationship, my relationship with my family members are good.. but then I take a look at my friendships... and pause there.

Growing up I was pretty much a social butterfly. I made friends easily and had lots of close friends whom I felt at home with.

Somehow all that changed.

The whole of today was a little tiring, to say the least. Both mentally and physically.

I haven't had much sleep the whole of this week due to rushing projects and essays, and I haven't been out anywhere else except for school. Talking to Min made me realise that I only reflect on my life and the likes of it when I'm going through draining periods in my life. On top of that I've been thinking of this, which takes a toll on me because I hate it when my mind gets all.. deep. NOT THE TIME, BRAIN. (Thank you bb for listening to my 'deep' thoughts, you're the best)

They say that as you grow older, you'll start to filter out your friends.

Friends whom you've grown apart from, friends whom have changed so much that you can't trek down the same route in life anymore despite how close you once were.. it's painful to recount and even more painful to analyze what's been going on, and what I've lost.

Quality > quantity, right?

Is this what growing up encompasses? I sure hope not.

For the time being, I'm really, really happy and thankful that this butt of a boyfriend would be back in Singapore in roughly 3.5 days!

He's travelled to Switzerland and is currently in Paris now; saying I miss him is a gross understatement – I miss him A TON.

I get soooo envious of him whenever he sends me pictures of his day while we chat every night.. he looks like he's really enjoying the place! Sad to say I'm really tired of being in a city – a little breather and exploration would do me good. Machu Picchu, anyone?

It's been a bit hard tolerating the 7-hour time difference: I stay awake till late to talk to him every night, and it's pretty draining but I'm glad that in 3.5 days we won't be separated by land and sea anymore, nor will be be seeing each other over our phone and laptop screens.

This isn't the first time we've been apart for more than a week in our relationship. The last time I was in Korea with my mom for 10 days, it was hard but tolerable. For some reason this time it feels a lot harder not having him here.

Although I wish he were here physically to give me a hug, I'm really glad he's enjoying himself there. He's the sweetest though, sending me words of encouragement and all everyday as I rush projects.

We haven't been able to video call over LINE much (partially so that I can concentrate on my work and partially because he's been sharing the hotel and apartment rooms with his mom and her friends) over the past few days, so it's a little hard to bear on my end because I dislike communicating with people via text (would rather see them face-to-face), video-calling him was like, the bear minimum for me.

I miss doing stupid things like pinching his nose hurhur.

*pats self on back*

It'll all be over soon, Gwen. Hang in there. *pats self on back somemore*

For now, say hi to my crazy girlfriends from uni!

Though I've already known two of them (Pam and Arynah) for about 3-4 years, and are acquaintances with one of them (Liyen) in poly since we were classmates/coursemates in SP, it has been nice getting to know Kimbo and Liyen!

The only difference between poly and uni is that in RMIT, I don't have a small class, nor do we have tutorials. We've only had mass lectures with a "class" of about 100-odd so it's been pretty weird walking past my classmates, not knowing whether or not I should say hi.

Glad I have my girls to do stupid things with everyday, and yay to the end of this school semester! It's been a crazy tiring month, but I can't celebrate too soon as I still have one last submission due tomorrow.

Hang in there, only one more slideshow and script to write + narrate!

Can't wait for all this to be over, then I can meet all my friends again. I'm sorry y'all have to put up with me, telling me "Wah sooooo beezeee ah someone!" whenever I turn down your jios to go out.

I'LL SEE Y'ALL LOVELY PEOPLE SOON!

Letting Go

So I checked back on this space after months to see that people still bother reading my blog.

Hi guys, not sure what's so interesting but thank you all for, well.. staying interested.

A little update:
- I've started university in SIM-RMIT and am taking Professional Comms
- I took up a part-time job selling chocolate and such at Godiva Asia
- I fell in love, again.

The last part comes extremely unexpected for some I suppose.

What prompted this post was the fact that my classmate (used-to-be DMC-mate, yay to being from the same course in poly AND uni) suddenly asked me while we rushed around campus to get lunch:

"This is a stupid question, but why did you change boyfriends ah? Y'all so sweet leh, he's your childhood friend right! Both of them look the same leh, I was wondering why he change username and click to see it's someone else."

The metaphorical clockwork in my head suddenly cranked and ran double-time, and there I was, scrambling to form an answer in reply. All those articles I read on Facebook about growing up, growing apart! Not being right for each other after a while of being right! Those articles on Thought Catalog about letting go! Must. Share. Everything.......

The fact is: we grew apart, and we just weren't right for each other anymore.

Sure, he might've been the right one for me when we first got together; when we saw each other behind rose-coloured glasses. But when it all faded away and when we saw each other for who we truly were, it occurred to him that we just aren't compatible that way and we drifted.

It's sad but I've been learning to come to terms with how some people just aren't meant to be in your life forever.

Some just come and go, and once they're gone all you'll be left with are the memories.

I was scrolling through my Facebook this morning and came across something my friend wrote:

At some point of time in our lives, we all believed in happily ever after, we believed in the possibility that "forever" could exist. We wrote it on our arms, our notebooks, the tables, the walls; we had to let everybody know that we are 'best friends forever' or that 'I'll love him for always'.

But who is to say when time ends and when it begins? Who is to say what forever really means? Who is to say that anything can be eternal?

With growing older, comes the acceptance that everything, everything is transient, temporal, for the here and now. And that at any point in time, everything might change. And that's okay.

We both loved differently, and that's that.

I was initially really afraid to jump in for the ride with Tris, but extremely happy I did because right now I'm happier than I've ever been. It's hard to love someone again, to trust them with everything.

I believe someone is most vulnerable when they're in love. So how do you trust someone all over again after getting your heart crushed badly a couple of months back? How does someone become your second love?

For all that it's worth, I do trust him. I am extremely thankful and grateful to be the girl to be on the receiving end of such a warm, comforting kind of love. The kind of love that makes me grin at my phone because he's being silly, the kind of love that makes me content just being in his arms, or feeling content just seeing him for a couple of minutes. It's kinda crazy how similar both of us are. We have so many things in common and Tris really just is the best boyfriend. (I'm sure reading this would make his head grow. Bloop bloop!)

The breakup with R wasn't easy, but looking back at it now makes me really thankful I went through that, and that I learnt how to let go. It enabled me to find someone better suited for me, someone who loves me the way I always pictured I would be loved.

Whoever said letting go was bad for you?

S**t Kingz vs. GOT7

I just find it amazing how they didn't credit THE kings for the choreo. And how they conveniently ripped the song from the video itself (you can hear the cheering and all from the UDC people). I'm sorry but a few extra flips won't do anything much when you ripped off someone's choreo.

On a side note, can we talk about the perfection that is Shoji??? (From S**t Kingz, duh. He's the one with the grey snapback, black shirt and sweats.)

The way he smiles when he dances.. just makes me meeeelt so bad hehe and to be honest everyone in S**t Kingz is dope, but everytime I watch this Caught Up choreo (more than once a day), my eyes immediately go to Shoji.

I've kept this postcard for the CODE:EDGE 3 finals in 2009, all cuz there's a photo of S**t Kingz on it (they came down to perform with Parris Goebel and Aus Ninja).

Decisions, Decisions.

A tribute to my long hair. Sigh, I miss you already hairie!

So it's been a while, and yet I still can't figure what instrument I would like to pick up.

I'm keen on drums, but not having a set at home would seriously limit my practice time. Worse still if I would like to take exams on it.

It's weird to mention this now, but I still have that pair of drumsticks in my drawer (gift from D that I kept (rotting) there since sec 4). Ah, I'm surprised I didn't throw it away following the breakup then. But yeah, it'll prolly come in handy now hahaha.

I would pick up piano from where I left off in sec 2, but then I remember why I dropped it in the first place – I was too committed to Student Leaders and sailing, and didn't have the time nor the energy to practice every. Single. Day.

So I'm left with guitar, which I would love to learn again (and my mom is more keen on that) but everyone in my family who knows how to play the guitar picked it up on their own. I really don't see why I have to take lessons like I did in sec 2 for an instrument everyone can learn on their own.

And oh to digress, I checked out the lineup for #AFAID2014 and got so excited when I saw that T.M.Revolution would be there!

Since then I've been listening to his songs on repeat. Can't wait to see him in AFA Singapore 2014 (if he does come, which I'm praying praying PRAYING for). Though AFA Singapore 2014's in December, major bummer because I'll have to wait 5 months.

My 43 year-old Ojisan Revolution (in hot pants) *heart-shaped eyes*

Seeing T.M.Revolution LIVE last year really made my year, and I would die to see him again!

No but seriously, I get extremely excited when I think about seeing him again. My heart pounds so fast and so hard that I'm just like, I NEED TO WATCH AN MV NOW.

Then I watch and drool.

Okay, T.M.Revolution aside.

To digress again,  I keep freestyling recently, only to realise that I lost my vocab for hip hop. Especially my groove, which seems very forced now. My years of training my basics gone down the drain, just like that.

Now that my knees feel slightly better, I decided to slowly get back in the groove of things (hah! Ge the pun? Groove? Groove of things?? lol ok can) and push myself hard and improve fast to feel confident enough to audition for O School Recital 2014!

It has always been my ultimate dream since I first started taking dance seriously to be a part of O School Recital. I missed so many opportunities to audition, and I will always remember how sour I would feel about missing the auditions. Then again, I also remember how happy I felt for Daryl and Guohui when they both got in almost 4 years back for the popping item! Ah, time flies.

So yes,
1) Improve/work on basics again
2) Work on groove
3) Train for stronger core..... (indirectly train for abs hehe.) Core MUST gao gao!

Then hopefully when the 20th of July approaches, I can full out at auditions without my self-confidence knocking me down before I even start.

Looking at the two upcoming dance battles on Facebook, I'm wondering if I should even sign up. Sigh it's been a while since I felt so low in terms of confidence level for dance. Gone were the days I would just sign up because I knew I could do it.

Well, I can't wait for Fredy's class tomorrow night cuz it's been almost a month and a half since I attended open class due to training with SDB for our J8 competition!

Someone once told me this, "It's even harder for you dancers cuz y'all train for like what, months? For only 4 minutes or so on stage!"

That's true but when it comes to something you love and am so passionate about, it's all worth it :)

Oh, look out for my next post because I would prolly be doing another Gwen Bakes post! It's been too long!

Goodbye and goodnight... for now!

Weight Loss

One of the best feelings of all is definitely one where you walk into a shop, and when you ask the lady to gauge your shorts size, she tells you "You should be.. wearing a size S. Let me get that for you."

The best feeling? Knowing that the last time you were in said store, another salesgirl looked at you when you asked about the clothes and which ones had your size, and she basically told you that you couldn't fit most of the clothes, or that she had to get you the ones which were bigger in cutting.

(And yet you couldn't fit into those.)

Last I weighed myself, I was 0.7kg away from my goal weight (GW)!

This means I've lost a grand total of 11kg!

While I'm really excited, I tell myself not to mind the scale too much because when I stress about my weight loss (and start to ask myself why the results aren't coming), I tend to not lose weight.

Weird, huh?

Lesson learnt: Things happen when you care/stress/try to control them less.

To those who have been asking about what I've been doing, what "secrets" I have......

I'll be honest and say I have none. Cheers to honesty!


Though I've analyzed what I've been doing over the past few months and I found out some stuff:

1) I will attribute the fact that I'm not having school (hint: stress and eating when I don't need to just because my friends are eating) to my weight loss.

Bottom line: don't stuff your face if you're genuinely not hungry!

It's okay to tell your classmates/whoever you're having lunch with I'm not hungry, it's okay you guys should go ahead and get your food!

Made that mistake a lot when I first started out in my polytechnic as we had lunch breaks so often. Everyone would stuff their faces with a full meal at almost every break, and if we weren't, we'd be stuffing our faces with 'finger food' – devilishly good, deceptive, yummy stuff such as chicken nuggets, sausages, chocolate doughnuts... you know where this is going.

Problem was, I didn't stop myself from joining them because I felt bad being the only one not eating. Sometimes people would accuse me of being on a diet, and that made me feel ten times worse, leading me to cave in and to get myself a whole bowl of noodles/rice with dishes.


2) When I started out on my 4 month-long internship, my appetite dropped a lot. 

This was mainly due to the fact I was tired day in and day out, rushing projects through lunch and basically having no mood to eat while I dealt with my clients – let's just say they weren't the nicest people a video editor could deal with.

This is not to say that you should not eat even when you're stressed and have no appetite. I generally try not to force myself to consume a full meal when I understand that my body does not feel a need for it.

In such times, I get myself a cup or two of Milo, and get biscuits and sweets to fuel myself (low blood pressure problems). The moment I feel hungry, I eat.


3) I learnt how to only eat what I need.

Growing up, my family taught me that it wasn't good to leave even a grain of rice on the plate. I was to finish every morsel given to me.

That was fine for me as a kid. I was skinny, had a lot of energy and hence required more food. At a certain point of time in my life, I had 2 servings for dinner every night.

As a young adult? Not so much! Overeating is never a good thing when you've got your ass planted on the chair in the office all day long.

Your fingers don't need that much energy to type/click, trust me on that.

Ever since my internship started, I learnt how to listen to my body. If it signals that it's full, it's full. I've always had a weak stomach, so forcing myself to consume whatever was left on my plate would make me extremely bloated and sick. Which explains my big bloaty stomach in poly.


4) Eating healthy DOES NOT EQUAL TO weight loss.

I had a period where I ate so clean that eating McDonald's fries would keep me sick for the next hour. My body wasn't used to the excessive oil and salt.

Sorry to burst your bubble (extra apology to all those who eat nothing but clean), but regardless of how clean I ate, I never saw results.

Why? I was eating TOO MUCH.

Keep this in mind: "Too much of a good thing is bad."

I overloaded on the veggies, the chicken breasts.. boy did I eat like there was no tomorrow. I would then burn a little of them off by jogging/dancing, but after that I would return home only to eat again, justifying my actions by telling myself how I ran long and hard (eeps, sounds wrong), and how they were low in calories too.. technically a win-win situation.


Oh well. There we go!

If I have more pointers I'd definitely come back to post more, but it's 3:24AM now, and my brain is begging me to hit the sacks.

On a side note, so much has happened over the last week.

The one that hit me the most was when I called NTU only to hear that my appeal was never sent through on their online portal. Which annoyed the heck out of me as I clearly remembered submitting it infront of 3 other friends! System glitch maybe?

That's handled, thank God. At least I discovered it sooner than later, so I still may have a chance!

Then came decisions I had to make on my own, and I've gotten those settled too. Extremely proud of myself for stepping up and finding back the old Gwen who knew how to handle her own shit.

What can I say? When something major happens, it's as if a switch flips on in my head, snapping me back to reality, telling me over a loud hailer that no one else is responsible for my happiness and for my life but me.

I'm glad I'm taking things well and showing more maturity than I ever thought I had.

There's nothing more rewarding than to see yourself getting things (you've neglected for a while) back on track. :) finding myself again hasn't been easy, but it's amazing how once I put my mind to it, results come faster than I've ever thought was possible.

You'll Never Know

Ironic that when I feel as if I need a break, I come to my blog.

Everything's been so overwhelming recently, and I'm glad I'm taking it well.

1:49pm and I'm finally done with the cutting of our competition song – just one day before the competition. Phew! *wipes sweat off forehead*

This week's been crazy, what with training till 10.30pm every night. I wake up every morning exhausted and more sick than the night before, but also more optimistic of the competition than I was the day before. Can't believe we just finished up the whole item last night, and that we're just getting our costumes (yay to getting new boots) today! C'mon my dearest SDB girls, last lap! We can do it!

It's crazy what focusing on oneself does for the individual.

Now that I finally have some time to clear my mind and detoxify my emotions, I finally am thinking better and doing things for myself, because I want to and not because I feel the need to do it for others/to please others.

So I guess I may eventually pick up Korean (lol stopped it just after learning how to write the characters, major fail) and Japanese again, and maybe take the JLPT with Elie's guidance.

And piano.

Yes, I just need $400 to fix the broken digital piano that Elie wants to sell to me...

Hahaha it's weird but I haven't felt this independent for the longest time, and to feel this way again is absolutely amazingggg!!! I finally feel so much more in control of myself.

So much shit has happened to me over the past few days, but I'll take it all in my stride and handle it when I need to.

After all this, I really feel that I should treat myself to a nice meal with my bros, or our favourite dessert: gelatoooo. :)

I just wished I had more time to actually bake. Then again, my electric beater spoilt a couple of weeks back, so I'm left with hand-whisking everything I bake and I'm telling you that shit's like a workout. It's like doing arms day at the gym I swear.

So until I get a new electric beater, I won't be baking bigger stuff like cakes :(

Then again, I'll prolly try the macaron recipes I see on Bryon Talbott's YouTube channel! He does it in such small quantities, all without an electric beater!

I've been hooked on watching cooking and baking videos by the likes of Bryon Talbott, the guys of SORTED (like Ben. Oh Ben you're such a cute geek I love you), and more recently, Donal Skehan.

Guys that can bake (and cook) are just... *inserts heartshaped eyes and mouth opened with drool dripping down here*

Oh well, here's a happy picture of me in Korea to end off this post. Abrupt ending as I have costume shopping to do!

Picture of me in Korea because I really miss this place and I can't wait to head back there when I can! Wait for me, Korea! :)

4:31am Thoughts

It amazes me how time really flies by when you don't notice it.
So earlier on, the hot weather here in Singapore chased me into my room (where I turned on the air-conditioning, despite my horrible cough). I looked at my clock and figured, yeah it's only 2:50am now, I guess I could look for a few more songs on YouTube before I go to bed.
The next thing I knew, I looked up only to realise it was already 3:55am.
Ugh, time.
Was planning to try baking macarons for tomorrow.
After 4 attempts, I feel as though it was my fate – I was made to eat and enjoy them, not bake them...
..then I found Bryon Talbott on YouTube.
Words can't describe what a relief it was to find someone who made making macarons (whoa that's a mouthful) so simple. Plus his recipes are small in terms of quantity. I suppose that would make my heart ache a lot less whenever I have to throw out all my ruined macaron mixtures. Almond meal IS NOT CHEAP.
So yes, if I am able to find the time (and the piping bags) I need to try making macarons for the 5th time tomorrow... then again I have to make a trip to my workplace to submit my time sheet, meet Sam and Chuhui at City Hall after for Sushi Express, and then go costume shopping.
It's hard to believe that our competition's only 8 days away.
Do come down to sarpork my awesome crew if you're free!
Deets: 21st June 2014 (Saturday) Bishan Junction 8 Atrium, Level 2 2pm
This is the first time I'm participating in a competition so close to home and I'm so thankful for that kind of luck! Even more thankful when I found out that stage runs would be from 8am-10am!

On a random sidenote, my life seems to be getting back on track.
I've been a wreck for the longest time. Each time I thought things were starting to look up and started having a bit of hope, I realised how much I was trying to lie to myself. 
Trust me, that feeling's just plain horrible.
I finally decided to pack and clear out some stuff in my room, which hasn't been neat since my birthday 2 months ago. I would wake up every morning stepping on/kicking/tripping/stumbling over something on the ground, which annoyed the shit out of me.
Well you know what they say, if you have a cluttered room, it says something about how your life is at the moment.
I've also found a bit more inspiration of late, and also feel as though my independence is slowly coming back to me, so hurrah!
Another situation has been bogging me down. Then again I'm glad we're both willing to work it out!
While life isn't completely awesome right now, I'll take what I can and be thankful for it. :)

Gwen Bakes: A Chocolate Cake, Carrot Cake & Lemon Pound Cake

Recently I've been dabbling a bit more in baking.

The results?

Pure deliciousness! 

(And a slight weight gain of a kilo during that week. Must be from all that sugar and batter I ate whilst baking.)

My cousin has been coming over to bake ever since my party, and I've learnt quite a bit from her thus far and it's fueling my dreams of working as a pastry chef/opening my own bakery in future.

So I've tried baking a chocolate cake, topped with a thin layer of Nutella, homemade whipped cream and macerated strawberries – this was done on my own.

Nutella makes everything taste so good.

When I looked up the recipe through my Yummly app, my eyes glossed over the measurements and I muttered out an oh no. This is because in all the times I've baked, I would generally fail when I followed recipes that used the American measurements.

For some reason, baking in "cups" and the likes never works out for me.

When I watched as my cake baked in the oven, it didn't come as a surprise to me when I noticed that something was wrong – my cake wasn't rising as much as I thought it should.

(Well it maaaay be because I beat my cake mixture with a whisk. I'm pretty strong, and I seem to have this tendency to over beat things rather quickly.)

It was a simple one-layer cake, and I received pretty good reviews on it even though it didn't rise properly. Then again, the recipe (got it off thepioneerwoman here) was for a 2-layered cake, and from the pictures I've seen on her blog, her cake didn't seem to rise too much as well.

So.. who knows?


My cousin, Nadya, works as a pastry chef and as I mentioned earlier, she's been coming down to bake pretty often with me.

With her, we tried baking 2 cakes:

Carrot cake with cream cheese and lemon zest frosting

This cake turned out to be a success, and it had my whole kitchen smelling like it.

Fluffy, moist.. and eating it with the cream cheese is just.. heaven on Earth.

The downside to this cake was that the recipe required large amounts of egg and sugar, and it was, however, too oily as we also added large amounts of extra virgin olive oil. Mom and I intend to bake this together again, but we'll tweak the recipe to make it slightly healthier and lighter :)

Lemon pound cake with orange zest & juice frosting

This cake was amazing.

I didn't help for this one at all (except to make the frosting).

A pound cake – as it's name suggests – is a rather heavy cake, both literally and figuratively.

When we cut a slice of it to try, we found that we got full and were at the "I think I've had enough" stage pretty quick. It was soooo dense! The frosting was just delicious though, and I'm not saying that just because I was the one who made it.

The boyfriend seemed to disagree when I let him try a bit of it. "What is this???? Ugh it tastes.. weird."

I'm guessing he doesn't like oranges very much..

Oh well.

I can't believe I baked so many cakes in just a week.

The problem with baking a lot in a short span of time when you have a small family? Trying to finish all the cakes! My mom swore she gained a bit of weight and was bloated over the next few days. My brother, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy that we had more desserts lying around in the fridge.

He especially enjoyed my chocolate cake and ate almost a quarter of it the first time round! It warmed my heart and really made me happy (okay I'll admit that one reason is because he's gaining the weight from the cake – not me!) because I love it when people enjoy the things I bake.

I always make sure that I'm in a good mood when baking as I believe that when people eat your baked/cooked goods, they'll be able to "feel" the mood that you stepped into the kitchen with, and it affects the taste of your baked/cooked goods.

It's a silly thought, but that's what keeps me in a good mood while baking in the kitchen. :)

Turning 21 (Part 1)

So.. this post comes 20 days late.

(That's just light being reflected off the 'g', not rust!)

But hey, I'm officially 21!

(I'll be breaking down this post into two parts due to me and my habit of 'talking' a lot here, and also because I have a lot of photos to upload.)

Initially I gave up any idea of holding a birthday party when I found out that the ideal chalet I wanted to hold it at (NSRCC) was fully booked during my birthday week.

One night, I went to Wimbly Lu for desserts with my man and on the way home, we discussed what we wanted to do for our birthdays. That was when he told me he could help me book something even better than NSRCC: Treehouse Villas!

We weighed out the pros and cons, and with the backing of a few friends who assured me that this wouldn't be a flop, we decided to go ahead with the booking of the chalet.

Russ booked the 9th-11th of April for me, with the party being on the 10th – 2 days after my actual party. This caused my mom to make a bit of noise, saying "Why must you celebrate it after the 8th? We're Chinese and normally the Chinese will only celebrate before or on the actual date itself, not after!"

Weeeeeeell I understand it's a bit weird, but with only 2 weeks to the party I really needed all the time I could get to plan it and execute it. I'm a bit of a perfectionist here, you see, and I have this perfect idea in my head which I fully intended to execute.

On 9th of April, I got there at about 5.30 to check in and settle down.

The chalet was beeeeeeautiful! Honestly the prettiest chalet I've been to.

Seriously, the likes of Aloha Loyang cannot compare.

This was the toilet upstairs. The bigger toilet downstairs had doors at the side which led out to the outdoor shower, didn't take a picture of it but it was amazing! 

You could even fill it up with water so it becomes like a tub, but it was really dirty there (with lizard shit and all) so I didn't dare try.

Quin came over after work at about 7. From there we started to make the deco while chatting over a cup of instant hot chocolate she brought for us.

I didn't take much photos of the chalet itself because my DSLR hasn't been fixed yet, but Jerald helped me to snap some shots when he and Becca came over to chill and help with the deco.

Master bedroom

We stayed up till roughly 2am cutting all the triangles and tying them to the trees.

May look simple, but making bunting from scratch is hard – not to mention tiring – work!

Thanks for all the help girls (and Jerald)!

More on day 2 and the actual party in the next part :)

I miss how things were.

Back then when things seemed less serious, where I felt genuinely happy and I looked forward to spending quality time with you. When I couldn't stop smiling at my phone because everything you said made me so happy. Back then, when I cried, it was because I couldn't bear to part with you.

But right now, I'm just.. broken.

I'm trying so hard to stay, to be positive, telling myself it's just a phase we'll get through.

So please, help me out here.

It's been almost 6 years since someone sent me this song, telling me it was the song that reminded said person of me.

I haven't heard it in a few years, never made it a point to download it either. And yet, for some reason, this song popped in my head today and I felt an urge to go look for it.

I guess in times like these where I don't feel myself, old songs and the memories attached to them are rather.. comforting in a way.

I'm not okay.

I'm lost and struggling. It's been months, and I'm tired. I really am.

Sanity

I Googled this and found this link: http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-emotional-overwhelm.html

Damn.

I've been feeling sad for the longest time and for some reason, nothing seems to make me feel better.

I know I'm strong enough. I've been working on handling my emotions better, and yes for months I did feel that I got better. I got mad less easily, I didn't jump on to rant at someone for no apparent reason and I found myself crying a lot less.

But for some reason I'm just.. terribly exhausted this time.

It's as if my body's telling me, "You weren't made to chuck your emotions aside, so now you're just gonna have to deal with being sad and emotional 24/7 until the sadness has left you."

My head hurts, my chest feels tight and it's just.. a horrible feeling.

I can't handle my emotions and they are terribly overwhelming.

I'm sorry to the people who've had to help me just because I'm not strong enough to do so myself, especially Min bb and mah bruddah Sebastien. I appreciate a crazy bro of mine who calls me and tells me he'll drive down from Tampines for me when it's freaking 1 in the morning.

And I'm sorry to the people like my family and my lovely boyfriend for having to tolerate me being needy and mean. I know I'm not the best me on days like these, but please, give me more time and your understanding.

I wish internship would end now so that I could take some time off, perhaps go out and have a few drinks with friends or to be alone at home exercising and spending quality alone time with, well, myself. Or to find some cheap staycation on Groupon where I can just run off to be alone.

I promise I'll fix myself soon enough, just give me some time to be my happy self again.


p.s. Did more research and more Googling and found a video. So for anyone who reads this and feels they might be in the same situation:


And another link: http://www.sharecare.com/health/human-emotions/how-stop-overwhelmed-intense-emotion

想当年。。。

My younger brother got his "O" Level results back today.

Frankly speaking, when I texted him earlier in the day while I was at work, asking him how it went and how his results were, I wasn't the least bit surprised at his reply.

Infact I just encouraged him to do what he felt was right (after a hour-long talk with him when I got home), and to keep in mind that no route is deemed the "wrong route".

Like brother like sister, huh?

I remember how it was when I got my "O's" results back.

It was horrible, I came out crying after realising that all the abbreviations on the slip of paper from MOE were course codes for ITE.

I felt like a failure due to the fact that majority of my cousins were really smart, hardworking and that they went to elite schools. I kept telling myself how full of fail I was, and that my parents must be ashamed of me and my "achievements".

My mom was strongly against the idea of me going down what she considered The ITE Route, and although I am thankful for the fact I decided to retake my "O's" instead of going to higher nitec, I never felt that (anyone) going to ITE was a bad route to begin with.

Your results don't define you, your actions do.

What if you were really smart, but yet snobbish, rude and downright mean at the same time? What if you're smart, and yet you abuse the people and/or animals around you?

So yes, don't discourage someone or put him/her down just because their GPA or examination scores are bad. I suppose what matters more is the kind of person he/she is. Does he/she treat his/her family well? Are they appreciative, grateful and loving? Are they kind to animals?

Ah, I don't know. It's 12:06AM and my brain is pretty much shutting off.

So today I finally applied to volunteer at Save Our Street Dogs (SOSD).

Coincidentally, Sha posted up a picture of the dogs there and after chatting with him for a bit I found out he's been a volunteer for almost 3 months!

If my application gets through and slots for kennel volunteers open up, I'll receive training and will be spending (hopefully) my Sundays and maybe a weekday or two at Pasir Ris Farmway (sigh why so far) volunteering with Sha since he only goes down on Sundays and told me I should go down on Sundays with him.

As much as I would like to be on the rescue team, I don't have a car or a motorbike, so responding to calls would be hard as I would probably have to bus/train/cab there. Sigh I really wanna help on the rescue team though! :(

In the meantime, I'll have to think of what part-time job I would wanna do while waiting for my graduation ceremony in May, and before uni starts in August.

Speaking of which, today I finally found time to turn my Mac on, finally found the time and the energy (it's mostly energy) to make myself a good bowl of plain yoghurt with fruits, granola and chocolate for dinner, and then set it beside my Mac.

Finally found the willpower in me to try to work on my university admissions portfolio for NTU ADM..

..then I sat infront of my Mac for almost 30mins, munching on my dinner while staring at the screen.

It's like, BRAIN Y U NO WORK?!

Wanted to work on my drawings but once again me being me, I couldn't pick what to draw. Sigh.. it looks like tonight's wasted.

Seriously need to get started though, but my creative juices ain't flowin' dawgggg!

Just glad that I have a few projects on hand thanks to Joey! She hooked me up with her cousin who does set-ups at weddings and parties, and now I have a promo video to film/make and a menu to design!

If anyone out there needs a video done (minimal visual effects) or some designs done up, feel free to contact me! (Shameless advertising here, I'm sorry.)

I may be doing it for free, but I'll consider it as something that can go into my portfolio. Pretty excited to finish doing up my portfolio and the ideas come rushing to my head all through the morning. Sadly they disappear the moment I sit down and decide: "Today's the night we start this thing, let's go!"

It's not happening, not tonight.

Off to bed!

The Animal Resort and The Goose Whisperer

A few days back, ze boyfriend told me he was planning a surprise for me this weekend and absolutely refused to tell me where we were going or what our day would be like.

I'm a sucker for surprises, and yet I love spoilers? I don't know how that works really.

After one long bus ride (I love taking the bus with him hehe) and a long walk under the hot sun later, we found ourselves at The Animal Resort.

I love animals (except those with beaks, I just confirmed that I really am afraid of them today) and when I saw where he was taking me I couldn't be happier! It's something out of the norm for us cuz we normally stay in or go to malls nearest to our area. The moment I saw all the dogs at the entrance I wanted to die in a pool of joy!!!

(Wait, that doesn't make sense. Pardon me.. it's almost 12am.)

Before we bought food for the animals, we took a walk around to see what animals were out there.

An albino peacock! First time seeing one.

There were a couple more peacocks there!

There were a lot of rabbits there too. This one particular cage had 4 kits!

They were so cute!

Bought carrots for the bunnies and the only horse we saw on the resort:

The horse reminded me of the practicum days as one of our episodes was filmed at Gallop Stable.

Being the only horse there I would assume that it's quite lonely. Wish it had another horse to accompany it or something.

As much as I love horses, I'm scared to feed them. It's like the only animals I could gladly go up to feed were the bunnies because they're absolutely harmless! Confirm plus chop.

Everytime I placed the carrots near the horse I had this feeling it'll bite my hand or something. Russ ended up holding my hand out as I attempted to feed it as I kept laughing. The horse was hilarious!

They even had a cassowary there!

Like, how does one keep a cassowary?

The first and last time I heard of a cassowary was when I watched a YouTube video on how it attacks people with its claws, killing them in the process. Then I watched another video on how someone tried to interact with a few cassowaries and they were so aggressive to the point the person had to fend them off with shields and a rake or something.

Russ bought bread to feed the birds with, and he actually fed the cassowary.

He didn't feed it directly of course, but still!

Meet my boyfriend, The Goose Whisperer!

I don't know what's cuter: him feeding the geese, or them (plus the pigeons) following him wherever he went?

He was the Goose Whisperer for a day, leading a goose parade.

"Learn to speak goose for a dollar!"

It's actually heartwarming watching him enjoying and having fun as he feeds the ducks and geese (which I didn't dare feed).

There's just something about watching your boyfriend as he interacts with animals.

"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."

It rained after that, which wasn't a bad thing cuz we were done in about 1.5 hours or so?

I love dates like these because I see and learn so much more about him just when I thought I knew everything. I'm so thankful for the fact he was the one who planned this! Really enjoyed my day out with him hehe.

Wouldn't trade our dates for anything. :)

I'm not too sure if you read my blog anymore, but thank you for everything! Here's to many more awesome dates love!