Bitter

I feel like such a baby.

I can't believe I'm just sitting here tearing away cuz I know there's nothing I can do about this.

How was I so stupid to not realise that the Nepal OCIP trip clashes with R! Recital Vol. 2? And I was so bloody happy about being a part of it too.

Attending trainings on Thursday nights there are the one thing I look forward to every week – dance-wise. It's the one place I don't feel judged, and the one place I feel like how I was back in the day before I got into SP and SDZ.

Dancing there makes me feel free and sane, like no one would care if I made a mistake this training or scream at me for being the usual klutz I am.

And that's what makes me sad.

Like, I finally found a place where I could be my usual smiley self while dancing, where I laugh off my mistakes and mentally make a note not to do the same mistake the next time I full out, instead of finding a corner to cry everything out (because yes, I've been doing that a lot the past few years).

I'm worried I'll never feel this feeling again.. not for a while at least.

My passion's dying and it makes me really sad to think about it?

Was talking to Arynah about not being as passionate about dance anymore after our OCIP meeting today, and she told me "Actually yeah, can see ah. Like last time when you talk about dance you get all enthu and all. Now you're just like, like that lor."

It's affecting me so badly and I think about it all the time.

I don't look forward to battles anymore, I don't look forward to trainings anymore (infact I skip it whenever possible, and in the past I would turn up 30mins - 1hr early for training), I don't look forward to anything except cyphering and sadly I haven't been attending any sessions so I've yet to properly cypher in months.

Cyphering's the other thing that makes me smile heh. 

Gotta love cypher circles. I still remember how I used to feel songs so easily.. to the point that Ben Chia once played this particular song and everyone let me take the whole song myself just cuz I could. Like freestyling 4mins straight like some crazy person. Whoop whoop that was AMAZING.

Makes me so bloody bitter to think about my dreams of going to NY/LA to dance after graduating. My dream was to teach others and to inspire them to dance. I didn't care about how much it would earn me, I just wanted to teach and spread how joyful dance made me.

OH MY GOD THE RECITAL SONG JUST PLAYED ON MY ITUNES AND IT'S MAKING ME CRY EVEN HARDER WHAT IS THIS.

Well if you can't do anything about it, just cry and get over it. That's what I always think.

I need to stop crying so easily and so often.

I think I'm just burned out from everything last year.

Dancing used to make me feel free, it was a form of self-expression and now I just feel that when I dance it's for PERFORMANCES, to PLEASE PEOPLE, to EARN MONEY. And sadly these reasons were not the reason why I loved dance since I was in pri 3, and not the damned reason why I spent hours locked in my room since then teaching myself through videos on YouTube for 3 whole goddamned years.

I did not love dance since young to feel this way about it. UGH.

At least for now there's the 4v4 battle this Saturday to look forward to. Am pretty confident we won't go far but it's always the experience that matters. Lai lai sarpork sarpork!