It's not that I don't care

I don't get myself.

I don't get you either.

Been thinking about it for so long.. too long, actually.

Finally gave up the idea of doing R! Recital this year. Was so excited about it but it all came to naught. Was terribly depressed about the idea of giving up the one thing that was making me look forward to dance because honestly, everything dance-related hasn't been going good for me. It doesn't feel good to dance in school, in T11, or with SDZ dancers anymore and – as much as I hate to admit – I'm losing my passion for dance.

You have no idea how much or how hard I cried when typing the long-ass message to Chun. No one will ever understand that feeling.

Because apart from the fact recital trainings made me happy while dancing, it allowed me to get closer to you again. We've been through so much, and no doubt I was the shittier friend and I will admit that no matter what because I know myself that I'm not a good friend, but I'm trying.

I was so happy that we finally have a reason to get close again, and I was hoping that at the end of this journey we would be as close as we were before, like the sisters that went crazy seeing each other, or the two that wouldn't stop hugging and squealing once we see each other because that was how genuine our friendship was.

What happened?

I never want to give you up as my friend, but it looks like you have.

Right here and right now I'll admit that I can't do without you. Days go by and I think to myself, how are you doing at your internship? Are you eating well? Are you still puking your food out due to your stress and your body rejecting food since you've been eating weird stuff at weird timings due to your company putting such a heavy workload on your shoulders?

There's so much about you that goes through my mind it's crazy.

Then again I tell myself, "Right, you don't care anymore. What am I doing.."

Wanna know why I felt so depressed I couldn't do recital?

YOU.

Imagine me, a pathetic crybaby, sitting at my MacBook typing out a blog post weeks back about how bitter I felt about not being able to be a part of recital.. crying and crying and crying.

The moment the recital song played on my iTunes, I cried even harder.

For what?

I'm thinking, that's the end. No more meeting you early for dinner before recital, no more rushing around to catch our last trains, no more suppers at Macs with you after trainings.

Because that's honestly the only time I ever get to repair this friendship with you. And I treasure every moment even though sometimes it's just us sitting there not saying anything because we're both so tired from whatever we were doing before – you, internship. Me, FYP/module work.

Things were getting so much better. I didn't dare tell you about how I initially started liking my guy because I was thinking how we were just repairing the friendship, could I even talk to you about such things that only came up usually during HTHTs?

But you found out, and even offered to accompany and help me look around for my first birthday gift ever to him. You were there to hear me ramble on and on about how I wasn't sure whether he was an S or an M because he was tall but lankier, you were there to Whatsapp and comment on my Instagram giving me that cheeky face emoji when I was sketching his card out and all.. things were looking up and for once I felt like I could talk to you about anything and everything again.

How much it hurt me when you dropped me after I told you I have to pull out of recital.. you'll have no idea. Because it already hurt me to not be able to do recital.. I just wanted you there to tell me it's okay.

But who am I to say you'll never understand?

I guess this is punishment for me being such a shitty friend towards you, no?

I hate not being able to talk to you freely as I used to, I hate not being able to do beary hugs with you or run to you and squeal and hug and not care that everyone around us is staring at us like we're looney, I hate the fact that I miss moments like the times you wait for me to come because you know I'm sad, so you hug me and let me whine or cry and when I'm done you'll pass me a pack of Malteasers because you know how those are (one of my) favourites.

I hate the fact I can't do my first recital outside SDZ with you, or be silly with you, sharing earpieces while dancing and trying not to do movements too big because the earpiece always falls out of either one of our ears.

You're that dear a friend to me, though I don't say/show it.

But you'll never understand that.

I have no idea what I feel right now. The anguish from the fact I know nothing will ever be the same again? The sadness I feel from losing a friend who took my first overseas trip without parents and roomed with me? The bitterness I feel from not being able to perform with you?

The sourness from the fact that I've not gotten over how me being a shitty friend has caused me to lose you in my life? In my dance life?

Losing someone from your life never feels good. It doesn't feel good ONE BIT.

I've already lost enough close friends in my life. I don't need to lose more. Just when we were getting better, too.

It never will feel alright, and I hate the fact that right now you just seem to push me away when you see me. Am I that repulsive?

Even now, I wanna Whatsapp you so bad to ask you to session the week after all my CA1s are presented and submitted, but I can't even pick up my phone to open up our Whatsapp because I don't know how you'll react and even worse – whether you'll reply me.

Then again, what am I thinking?

It's too late to say all these.

I never wanna give up on you, but right now.. I doubt you feel the same.

Oh, these times are hard, yeah they're making us crazy. Don't give up on me baby.

(Ugh at the apt lyrics making me feel more upset sigh.)