I recently saw an ad on television for some competition.
Can't remember what it was all about, but the lines I remember hearing were "Send in your entries about what your passion ... and win a trip to-"
Where do I even begin with this?
Alright, I know:
"Where has my passion taken me thus far?"
I've been on a really long journey with dance. There have been a lot of ups and of course a lot of downs that followed.
Being a Year 3 student studying Media and Communications (a course known to be project-heavy), I realised I couldn't devote all my time to dance and SDZ anymore.
"And you auditioned to be a junior for bboy? Oh the irony."
I don't know. I can't say my journey with dance has been a smooth one, and right now I can't help but feel conflicted with myself.
Before I continue, I just wanna say this to some people that I've really hurt badly over this whole thing with dance, or to anyone I've neglected in Year 1-2 as a result of being too devoted to dance when my passion took off for real the moment I passed my auditions for SDZ and became one of the 50 (and sadly the number's now reduced to 11) of my batch to actually get the chance to be a part of this amazing CCA.
Not like y'all read my blog anymore I guess.
I've kept this bottled up for the longest time ever, and nothing hurts me more to know how many people I've lost when I swore to make dance my career. That includes family.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it was a stupid thing to do nor am I implying that I don't love dance anymore.. it's just that I've recently become jaded. My love for dance is still there, no questioning that, but my "GO JE!" attitude for it has been worn thin.. really thin.
Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean I don't regret anything. With each and every passing day all I feel is guilt and regret, and yet I don't have the balls to do shit about it as much as I want to.
Either that, or I actually do something about it but end up screwing it up further. I spend my nights crying knowing that I can't salvage the situation anymore.
I miss all my old friends from Mayflower, especially my old clique of girls whom I grew up with.
I may always talk about and be thankful for my best friends from Aitong, or my other cliques of girlfriends I met in MFSS, but deep down inside I always think and thank God for this particular group of girlfriends because they were there for me at my lowest, which was when I flunked my "O" Levels. They studied with me almost every day, we had the best laksa yong tau fu together.. good times.
Even my closest friends from poly know about them, and when someone brings them up either I or another person in the clique would go, "EH SENSITIVE TOPIC, SENSITIVE TOPIC!"
I've had this bottled up since the end of Year 1.
All I have to say is that I was an idiot, I became a jerk and got too high and mighty when I got recognised for my talents as I've always loved dance since primary 3, and I am truly sorry.
One day.. one day.
Okay enough of my digression.
There have been too little 'ups' and too many 'downs' of dance.
I played too much in my first year of poly. My friends always told me to focus more in the first year but I never took their advice in. I danced too much, neglected my studies too much. Became known in DMC as either the girl with a big bag that contains all her dance clothes (I once carried around the army backpack so that I could lug my thick sweatpants around instead of having to carry around a bag, a shoebag and a laptop case), or the girl who always had dance.
I was never in school during the Waves production period due to rehearsals or due to the fact I was too exhausted from spending 8-10 hours having intensive training in school every other day.
I would always prioritize my dance friends over any other group of friends.
One friend even told me once (as we discussed why I have been single for about 2 years) that I had not dated for such a long time because my life was devoted to dance. I had no time to get to know people, no time to hold conversations with anyone who wasn't a dancer.
"Of course you've been single la!" she exclaimed.
Then again there are the 'ups' I can never be thankful enough for.
To become part of the uh-mazing SDZ Committee for AY12/13, to have performed countless times and in 2 Waves productions.. to be in such a position when others could only dream of it. Wow.
I had so much fun and it won't stop here for sure. Waves 18 is coming up!
The highlight of my dance 'career' thus far was the day we had one of our first vettings for Waves 16. Me being me, I had no idea what to expect and just danced with lots of passion and heart, and Ryan called me his "Favourite Dancer", or "F.D.", as Unkle termed it.
I can never forget how during the debrief, he said out of the hundreds of dancers sitting there in MPH, only 2 stood one. One was an alumni and the other was – surprisingly – me.
How I stood there crying because he told the rest to learn from me, what with a 100% attendance and all and how I gave my all even though this was just a vetting.
What an honour.
I spent the next few hours crying tears of joy and receiving hugs and congratulations from my SDZ mates.
This year has been an amazing year, no doubt.
I'm extremely thankful I got to reconnect with my sailors again thanks to Whatsapp (which I have this strong love-hate relationship for).
As I type this right now, David and Jack are going on and on about which university to go to after army, what course to study and all. It's quite amusing because I know I will be that girl that could never enter NUS or NTU as much as I want to, which makes me feel stupid compared to my cousins who were and currently are RGS, RI, RJC, HC, St. Nics and ACS(I) kids.
But hey, it's okay. I'll find some way to succeed in life.
(Dad's still against the idea of me taking a year off after poly to attend a dance academy in New York, but I'm working on it.)
This year, I've learnt to set aside more time for myself, my close friends, my sailors, my family.
I'm trying to be more positive, to not let what I've done haunt me. I used to laugh off the mistakes I made while doing choreos during training, now I dance as if there was this invisible gun pointed to my head.
I need to stop taking everything so seriously.
I'm still on a never-ending journey with dance, but heck, I'm now trying to find the old Gwen from Mayflower who couldn't stop smiling and being a goofball 24/7.
Before I end off this blog post and say goodnight (gotta be up in 4hrs), here's a photo of me and Liyi's ootd after FYP class on Monday.
We coincidentally wore matching outfits!
There has been absolutely nothing to do in school right now that even the idea of going to school bores me. Thank goodness the practicum I chose was a good one as compared to the others (Agency Startup, Writing Lab, some self-study project thing, Centre for Social Media).
So guys, if you're from DMC and aren't too sure of which practicum to choose when you're in Year 3, please, please PLEASE pick Space Media.
I can't wait to see my Legency girls and – now with Glenn in our FYP group – guy tomorrow after practicum. It sucks that out of all of us in The Legency, I was the only one to choose Space Media sigh but I'm thankful I have quite a few 01 peeps there.
From DMC/FT/1A/01, to 1B/01.... now we're at DMC/FT/3A/01.. wow, I've been with them for 3 years.
Time flies, huh?
Oh wait, that's a photo of Nasir.
p.s. Have you seen this video the Year 2 DMC kiddos did for DMC Connect 2013?
Look at Fil and AJ. Cute la you two!
I miss my CASS Freshmen Orientation Camp (FOC) mates sooooooo much :(