G E E B E E ▲ ∆

Gwendolyn N.
20 years young, a dreamer with a slight obsession for the lemniscate.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013


Disclaimer: It's been a long day.

I need to rant, so hi please just skip this post and come back another time. There are also a lot of "f" words used in this post so if you don't want to see the more vulgar side of me I highly recommend you just move on.

I really have no idea to feel.

First off, I don't even know you that well, you're just a close friend's jerk of a boyfriend. You decided to hound me for YOUR issues with her at 6am in the morning just to insult me over and over again?

What a pussy.

Fuck, no guy has EVER made me sit up in the wee hours of the morning crying and shaking with anger and sadness (because I do admit, words can hurt me pretty easily). Making me out to be a slut and all, scolding me, telling me to pray for my knees and telling me I throw myself at guys?????


You're a sports person too, you of all people should know how difficult it is to have an long-term knee injury?

You're such a loser and a wuss. You have no balls. Once you realise you're at the losing end you resort to insulting people and what, physical abuse? I honestly don't think you should even classify yourself as a dude cuz you're just a pussy that doesn't treat women the way they should be.

In the past you insult my best poly friend (once again for issues between you and your girlfriend that's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS) and you tried to get at me too but last time I couldn't be bothered. But this time... who the fuck are you to throw words like that at me?

If you were infront of me I would've punched your bloody ugly face and – as a bonus – thrown a kick at your non-existent balls.

I do admit that I had fun trolling you though.

Loved the fact that even though I lacked sleep and was thoroughly upset + annoyed I could still say my typical nonsense like:

"God bless your sad soul
I shall go to the mosque and pray to Allah for you
Go to the temple to pray to Buddha for you
Go to church and pray to God for you

Ya Allah~"

Thankful for my girlfriends who came to my defence, talking to me at 7am in the morning just to calm me down and reassure me that it's alright. Shermin was all, "Wtf B, WHO? THAT ASSHOLE IS IT? That fucker we spoke about in the morning?" 

I was honestly quite shocked at Cel's response when I went to her with screenshots of his chat to me, telling her how fucked up I was feeling.

"Who the fuck is that?"
"Need us to set his hair on fire?"

:') you're my best friend alright.

So after the shit that happened in the morning, I went to work on 3hours of sleep.

I've warmed up to my colleagues except some of the kitchen staff, so working has been a lot more fun lately and the time actually flies.

What really bothered me was the fact that I was being called fat a lot today. 

Every other sentence my colleague would be like, "Why are you this size?" 

"You eat so little your size still like that?!" 

"You know what you should take up? Ballet. The reason why I won't tell you~" (obviously geared to the fact that it'll help me slim down.)

"You 60+kg? Where got.. look more like 70 plus sia I'm already 50+kg eh and you look waaaay bigger than me leh!"

I know he's joking and honestly, he was really, really nice to me at work and looking out for me more than half the time today, but I couldn't shake off the comments at all and in my mind all I can think of is whether I really want to eat my next meal or not?

And sadly I gave in to the thoughts in my mind.. for today.

I don't show it, but deep down inside I still struggle with trying not to view food as the enemy, and it's not easy. I still dislike taking pictures where my body can be seen and I hate looking at my body in the mirror. I just feel gross and disgusting.

Then again, there's nothing I can do.

No one knows what it's like to feel the way I do.

To feel as if you're the world's grossest person, to avoid looking at even your own reflection in the glass, to dislike the fact you see full-length mirrors in toilets..

No one.

I have even more on my mind but.. I guess this is enough ranting for one night.

I'm just really sick of crying, regardless of whatever triggers it.

Goodnight y'all!

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