The Big Groove 2013

Short blog entry/reflection to sum up my TBG 2013 experience before I go to bed:

Mind. Blown.

It's amazing how a concert like this would change and inspire the many dancers who attended it.

(I was about to describe TBG as "one small concert" but then it occured to me how TBG is NOT small at all.)

Someone tweeted about how TBG is like National Day – all the dancers look forward to it plus it's a must watch for us.

It's true I suppose. We have guest performers from all over the world and they rehearse so hard just for one night like that that unites dancers everywhere. I look forward to every year's TBG more than I do NDP.. damn.

My mindset for dance hasn't been quite right this year.

I was always tempted to leave just because.

Just because I felt like I didn't belong.
Just because I felt lonely in a room full of people.
Just because I felt like my passion was dying.
Just because I felt like my passion was suffocating me.
Just because I felt more miserable trying to get my passion back than anything else.

Then it hit me: stop being such a brat.

"Be more appreciative, Gwen!" I told myself. And now I see myself feeling it all over again, the hunger, the urge, the need to dance and perform, and the need to improve myself to become the music, and not just dance to it.

It's funny how I concluded all this after a few hours in a Suntec convention area, with crazy-ass vibes from everyone in there. The excitement, the chills, everyone's passion for dance oozing to every crack in the wall, every corner in the hall.

The atmosphere.

I LOVED it, and I absolutely missed it.

Strictly Dance Zone is my 2nd-2nd family (the MFSS sailors would always be my 1st-2nd family), and I'm terribly grateful for the chances I've gotten throughout the past 3 years I've been in the club and the people I've met along the way.

It was one hell of a bumpy ride, and as much as I hated it from time to time, I found that I have so much more to be thankful for.


Then I realised that I didn't fall out of love with dance per say..

I got bitch-slapped by reality, that is all.

I need to remember how it felt to dream.. to dream big.

Sunshine

(Told you I would get my blogging bug back in Space Media Practicum due to boredom. A few of us even started blasting and watching the NDP 2013 MV in class.)

Feels good to be back in school for class after not having classes since last Monday.

Well, "class". Since we're just sitting here and freezing in the classroom.

Life as a Year 3 student goes like this: FYP, FYP, practicum module, FYP, FYP, FYP, FYP FYPORTiEUFEIUFWA. Used to love the fact that I only have classes from 8-11 on the days I had school, but no, I kinda wish I was Year 2 again, rushing projects, presentations and reports with all the clashing deadlines.

Used to hate that, but right now when you've got so much time, it's honestly all you miss.

Oh, remember the 2nd fire that broke out in Singapore Poly within a week?

Was walking to MPH on Saturday for training, and this was what I saw.

Heard one of the makciks from the fried rice Muslim stall got sent to the hospital. All the vendors at FC3 are really nice people, hope they're all okay.

Anywho.

Finally got my iPhone 4's screen fixed today with Jack.

A whopping $75 and an hour later I left the shop with my baby back in my arms :')

Didn't get to buy my Canelé macarons since we were in a rush, which I felt really bummed out about cuz I was happily spazzing in my head about getting them after fixing our phones. It's alright, there's always next time!

Macarons seriously make me happy like nothing else on Earth heehee my happy pills!

Heehee I've been feeling so happy and so much better recently.

Done quite a bit of thinking and reflecting and gave serious thought of how miserable I have been the past few months.

I just thought and made the worst of every situation. It made me such a bitter person, and I snapped pretty easily and was highly irritable.

Decided that it was time for a change, especially since Geisel spoke to me and she told me only I can change how I see things, and being optimistic would make my life a lot less sad.

So I stopped expecting, stopped being mean and snappish.. and the moment something negative about myself/a person/a situation popped up in my head I told myself to shut it and find the good in everything and everyone instead. (Unless it's for the people I really abhor.)

Definitely works for me because I feel so much better now! My smile definitely comes from the heart too, it's not just me smiling for the sake of putting on a façade.

On a random note, my GPA this year's still 4.0 though, which is amazing and I've never felt more blessed and thankful. Although my combined GPA would still be shit, I hope the 4.0 would pull it up slightly even.

"Why suddenly so nervous about your GPA! Year 1 you also don't care, no A at all you also never say anything???"

Weeeeeell.............. I've been putting more thought into how I should attend university because I realised that I do enjoy studying.

I honestly regret placing studies as my priority only now when it's too late.

Then again I'm a strong believer in miracles happening to those who help themselves and those who hope for the best, so yeap! Hopefully something good comes out of this at the end of it all. Shall make the best out of every situation :)

I'm just really happy about the fact that I'm finally gonna see Russell after work later!!!! Another what, 21hours more to go?

It's been 2 long weeks since I last saw him, gah! So yes, I am of course entitled to feel happy and excited that I'm able to see him. :)

Alrighty mighty! Should turn in now, it's gonna be a long day tomorrow, what with me going to school (FINAL SUBMISSION FOR SPACE MEDIA PRACTICUM OMG SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME POMPOMS AND CONFETTI TO CELEBRATE THANKS), then heading down to Glenn's school near my place (emphasizing this cuz if I didn't need to travel to school I could just head straight down and be there after a 10-minute bus ride), then another bus ride down to Novena to work then back home to meet ze boyfriend hehe.

Ciao!

Doing work and listening to this song isn't working at all.

For one, I wanna choreo to this song as a part of the performance we're doing at Chan's aunt's event, so all I'm doing is up-bouncing in my chair like nobody's business CUZ I BE FEELIN' IT.

You gotta admit, the beat's pretty sick and Dea & Kevin are KILLIN' IT.

Two, it's giving me a headache.

The whole mix by DJ Kontrol's 9mins long.

Haven't been feeling well at all today.. eyes burning, throbbing headache and burning + dry throat.

Felt so sick I did what I usually do on days I feel shitty: down as many 1.5l bottles of water as possible. So far I've downed about 3 bottles plus a 600ml one so yeah. On to my 4th 1.5l bottle.

Anywho.

Monday's vetting went pretty well!

Instead of calling ourselves "Year 3s", we finally settled on Little Rascals Crew as our crew name. WHADDUP LRC! *enthusiastically does crew hand sign*

Glad to announce that MPH still felt like home despite it being overly crowded since vetting was for all 3 genres that day. I can confidently say we had over 50 people crammed there on Monday.. felt just like we were doing vetting for Waves :')

Hopefully we'd figure out everything because the event's (InS'ync) on 3rd August, and O Crew's coming down to judge.. like whoa much. To be doing a friendly showcase competition with TPDE's just crazy. Thankful for the experience but also a bit freaked out by it because TPDE has major props and respect from me.

While debriefing, AnAn was like, "How about next Monday we do a combined vetting here with TPDE?" You could see everyone's faces turn from :D to D: in a split second.

Also helped my babies with their babies.

Now before you get me wrong, my babies are the girls from my item for last year's junior showcase.

When I went to join them, Cherie said, "Oh this is Gwen btw. She's the choreographer of last year's girls' hip hop item for junior showcase so it's like.. this is her legacy la haha. Elena and I are her daughters so ya she's your grandma."

I have more grandkids now!

Could see how some of their girls really valued the comments from my batchmates and I (we're kaypoh like that) and some of the alumni, which warms my heart cuz I've heard – and seen – a lot of negative stuff from the new batch from camp alone.

It's crazy cuz we have so much to do in a week and LRC has yet to even settle on the costume. Someone, shoot us please thanks.

Met Joey last Friday for a much needed day out. We went grocery shopping at AMK Hub and she spent so much buying stuff to cook for her JC friends.

She keeps me sane, I swear. She never fails to talk sense into me and I always eventually just calm down while she talks to me. Thank you :* I love you to the moon and back Joey TJY <3 p="">

The past few weeks have been crazy, but I'm glad to say that on an emotional level, I'm a lot better and a lot happier, but I'm drained physically due to the lack of sleep and stress levels increasing.

Would any kind soul out there like to donate a box of macarons to the Gwen Foundation?

Glad we're submitting our final CA for Space Media practicum this Friday. 

I'm on my way to freedom!

Sleepless Nights..

..are made of these:

1) An insect (which you presumed was a cockroach) scuttling across your bedroom floor just as you shut your laptop off for the day to sleep. You later find out, upon closer inspection, that the insect is NOT a cockroach, and that it can fly.

2) Endless stupid thoughts of regret flooding your mind.

I'm surprised how its already 2.23am and yet I'm wide awake....... hi Katy Perry.

These thoughts are consuming my mind and it's killing me, especially since I tend to think and reflect a lot more at the end of the day. It's ridiculous that I would suddenly regret self-sourcing for my internship just because everyone else got fun companies they look like they would learn a lot from.

And it's affecting me enough to be blogging on my iPhone. With its cracked screen.

I need to see the positive I'm this — apart from my pay which is still by far the highest when I asked around to compare.

I need to stop regretting and start thinking how the company must be good if not all right, if not I doubt my gut feeling would've been holding the Pompoms of Encouragement in the first place, waving it in my face. I wouldn't have squealed either on both occasions whereby I stopped by the office (which would be the ITP company I'm working under in a few months).

Need. To. Be. Positive!!!!

Emote

Disclaimer: It's been a long day.

I need to rant, so hi please just skip this post and come back another time. There are also a lot of "f" words used in this post so if you don't want to see the more vulgar side of me I highly recommend you just move on.

I really have no idea to feel.

First off, I don't even know you that well, you're just a close friend's jerk of a boyfriend. You decided to hound me for YOUR issues with her at 6am in the morning just to insult me over and over again?

What a pussy.

Fuck, no guy has EVER made me sit up in the wee hours of the morning crying and shaking with anger and sadness (because I do admit, words can hurt me pretty easily). Making me out to be a slut and all, scolding me, telling me to pray for my knees and telling me I throw myself at guys?????

OH PLEASE YOU'RE SUCH A JOKE.

You're a sports person too, you of all people should know how difficult it is to have an long-term knee injury?

You're such a loser and a wuss. You have no balls. Once you realise you're at the losing end you resort to insulting people and what, physical abuse? I honestly don't think you should even classify yourself as a dude cuz you're just a pussy that doesn't treat women the way they should be.

In the past you insult my best poly friend (once again for issues between you and your girlfriend that's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS) and you tried to get at me too but last time I couldn't be bothered. But this time... who the fuck are you to throw words like that at me?

If you were infront of me I would've punched your bloody ugly face and – as a bonus – thrown a kick at your non-existent balls.

I do admit that I had fun trolling you though.

Loved the fact that even though I lacked sleep and was thoroughly upset + annoyed I could still say my typical nonsense like:

"God bless your sad soul
I shall go to the mosque and pray to Allah for you
Go to the temple to pray to Buddha for you
Go to church and pray to God for you

Ya Allah~"

Thankful for my girlfriends who came to my defence, talking to me at 7am in the morning just to calm me down and reassure me that it's alright. Shermin was all, "Wtf B, WHO? THAT ASSHOLE IS IT? That fucker we spoke about in the morning?" 

I was honestly quite shocked at Cel's response when I went to her with screenshots of his chat to me, telling her how fucked up I was feeling.

"Who the fuck is that?"

"Need us to set his hair on fire?"

:') you're my best friend alright.

So after the shit that happened in the morning, I went to work on 3hours of sleep.

I've warmed up to my colleagues except some of the kitchen staff, so working has been a lot more fun lately and the time actually flies.

What really bothered me was the fact that I was being called fat a lot today. 

Every other sentence my colleague would be like, "Why are you this size?" 

"You eat so little your size still like that?!" 

"You know what you should take up? Ballet. The reason why I won't tell you~" (obviously geared to the fact that it'll help me slim down.)

"You 60+kg? Where got.. look more like 70 plus sia I'm already 50+kg eh and you look waaaay bigger than me leh!"

I know he's joking and honestly, he was really, really nice to me at work and looking out for me more than half the time today, but I couldn't shake off the comments at all and in my mind all I can think of is whether I really want to eat my next meal or not?

And sadly I gave in to the thoughts in my mind.. for today.

I don't show it, but deep down inside I still struggle with trying not to view food as the enemy, and it's not easy. I still dislike taking pictures where my body can be seen and I hate looking at my body in the mirror. I just feel gross and disgusting.

Then again, there's nothing I can do.

No one knows what it's like to feel the way I do.

To feel as if you're the world's grossest person, to avoid looking at even your own reflection in the glass, to dislike the fact you see full-length mirrors in toilets..

No one.

I have even more on my mind but.. I guess this is enough ranting for one night.

I'm just really sick of crying, regardless of whatever triggers it.

Goodnight y'all!

Title?

Thank you for staying by my side even though I was a nasty mess.

You're here to stay, I get that now.

I love you, to the moon and back :)

I just want everything negative on my mind to disappear with a snap.

Just.. sigh.

It's affecting me too much and I'm showing it to the people who honestly don't deserve to see this side of me, the people who deserve the best.

You know how sometimes you randomly start crying for no reason at all? 

You're just sitting there sobbing uncontrollably and you have no idea what triggered it.

It's like a "pause" button, a little "break" you heart decided to give you because it knows you would keep it all in no matter what.

Was talking to Min last night, and we found out that both of us were doing the same crying-for-no-goddamned-reason thing. Guess this is just really overwhelming for the both of us.

You're not the only one.

Losing It

I need to stop crying.

The past few days.. it's as if all I can do is cry.

Cry myself to sleep, cry to myself when I wake up.. for various reasons but reasons nonetheless. Then the cycle repeats itself the next day, and the next, and the next.

I cannot stand being disappointed.

I cannot stand being upset.

I cannot stand I myself being sensitive.

I cannot stand being lied to.

I cannot stand being manipulated.

Best part is I have to go to school and pretend I'm totally fine, or at least I think I'm doing a good job. Then Syara Skypes me and tells me "No wonder you look like sad only today". Sigh.

Times like these I really just need to switch off and stop thinking everything I'm thinking. I wish I could just stop interacting with people, to just be on my own. To cry myself to sleep tonight instead of having to stay up cuz I suddenly have this whole shitpile of things to do.

I'm exhausted, and I am certainly losing it.

What the hell is wrong with me..

Shit

On the verge of giving up.

Maybe it's better for you that I'm not in your life.. maybe.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day.. no, this week's gonna be a long week.

I have this strong urge to pull out of STL, not because I can't handle it but because I really know I don't want to go back anymore. But I know if I do that's really it. I won't see myself dancing anymore, especially not in SDZ.

I can live without the people who can live without me.

Sick of myself, sick of comparing, sick of wishing and definitely sick of wanting things to work out for me.

It kinda sucks that nothing's going my way at the moment, and I'm also finding out a lot of things I guess I shouldn't have.

Glad I had a good day with Russell and my girls earlier today.

A day well spent with my loved ones was seriously all I needed, especially what with the drama that came after.

I know these are just some of the people I can count on forever in life :)

Met Russell after submitting my ITP forms and headed down to FEP to meet Joey, ZS and Eileen!

The guys got to catch up while we girls just sat around talking nonsense as Joey had her hair diiiid. Can't believe we were discussing our houses in secondary school and recalling who was in what house.

OMG I WAS LOOKING THROUGH MY OLD PHOTOS TO SEE IF WE HAD A PHOTO OF US IN OUR HOUSES......

.......AND LOOK WHAT I FOUND:

Tada! Our photo from when we were still in sec 2Integrity.

Waited around for Joey to be done at the salon before accompanying Russell for lunch at Ofira hehehe. Though I didn't eat today I think I'll never get sick of the food there!

Went to Prologue with him and after a round around the place, I'm seriously considering whether or not to blow half of my June pay on books since I've been holding back for months (cuz that's how long I've been struggling with cash. Spend on things I need/would do when going out like movies and food, but don't spend on the things I can live without).

Proceeded to YCK to Joey's house after for chili crab dinner!

Hehe so full but it looks like only Cass and I are the ones really crazy about chili crab. Now I know who I can call out whenever I wanna go out for chili crab!

Oh, it was also the day I became an IJC AND NYJC student.

Just kidding of course!

Shirt from Shanai's orientation thing in IJC, and NYJC shorts from Joey which I borrowed cuz I refused to play Dance Central 3 in a skirt and a tank top + denim jacket.

Anyways welcome back to Singapore for now Joey Tan!

So glad you're back (even though it's for a month) really. Missed you like crazy when you were in Aussie and I'm pretty glad we can both Skype with each other cuz it'll be another 4 years till you're back for good!

Love you to the moon and back!

Oh well time to get some sleep cuz I have to get up at 10am tomorrow. Can't wait till this week is done and over with because then I'll have freedom for a while.

I'm gonna spend the whole day drawing and editing away sigh dear MacBook please behave tomorrow cuz I'm bound to have a lot to do! Hang in there, my love!!!!

What I should keep in mind:

Thank you, Patrick.

Can't wait till Saturday cuz that's when I'll see him again.


In the meantime, I really need someone to talk to.

Honestly on the verge of breaking down.