G E E B E E ▲ ∆

Gwendolyn N.
20 years young, a dreamer with a slight obsession for the lemniscate.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Exhausted much?

I don't know what I've just gotten myself into.

I feel as if my freedom just got taken away from me.. as if I weren't already busy enough. Already lost count of the number of friends I had to turn down due to having work/dance commitments.

It really sucks when your friends can't understand when something's really important to you. Like as if you can't breathe without it can't sleep without it can't nothing without it.

Okay I'm just exaggerating. But you get my point.

But it also sucks when you have to disappoint a friend or two (in my case it's 'too many') just cuz of your passion because for me it works both ways -- if I don't work I can't dance. If I don't dance there won't be a need to work.

In addition to my crazy schedule I have yet another commitment! Hallelujah shall we praise how smart I am?? "Whoohoo Gwen, well done. What a smartass. You never fail to do things without thinking."


Funny thing is, I got myself into this predicament. So technically I should stop complaining and suck it up, shouldn't I?

And thanks to that particular additional commitment, I feel this burden really. But I've not gone all out for it yet so I guess I'll have to see how it goes. Who knows, I might end up liking it and it may not be as strict as I thought it would be. After talking to Inez and KL about it on the way back from *SCAPE I ended up crying on the way home because it hit me that I'm never gonna have any time for myself.

"Because only dancers understand dancers." I never really got it when Inez told me this. We were talking about how dancers usually date dancers because no one else would ever understand why they literally dedicate themselves to dance.

I guess I do now. People think I'm crazy, slogging my life away working everyday when I can actually use the time to relax and play. I trudge to work in the morning, skip to dance in the early evening and trudge yet again back home at midnight. It's a grueling routine I do everyday.

My typical schedule goes like this: Work from 10am-3pm, have lunch and relax till 5, take a train down to Somerset for sess at *SCAPE, dance till 11pm and train back. I usually reach home at 12.30am or so.

But y'all don't understand the fact that dancing isn't cheap. Not if you want to better yourself. I've never been this passionate about something before. I've never had such a strong urge to support something I like doing..... okay pardon me I meant love. For anything and everything I've done, I stopped halfway.

Like the Chinese saying goes, "ban tu er fei". I never completed anything -- Wushu, volleyball, badminton, sailing.. Okay no sailing doesn't count cuz I still love it.

So it's a miracle for me to love something and still love it after like years of doing it really. That's prolly why my parents don't question me on dance since they complain I never finish anything I start.

I really hope y'all will understand it when I can't meet y'all or when I have to push back dates.

And honestly, I've not had a day to myself since like 3 months ago. I'm so so so so so so so terribly tired I can't describe it in words. I'm mentally awake and alert but physically I'm drained and worn out.

If I'm not working or dancing I'm out meeting friends who arranged dates with me. Well since I can't devote my work-days to them I have to devote my off-days instead.

Again, I got myself into this so I guess I can only suck it up and move on. I'm tolerating my horrible life for now just so that I can improve in dance.

Just hoping this isn't gonna eventually kill me and backfire.

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