G E E B E E ▲ ∆

Gwendolyn N.
20 years young, a dreamer with a slight obsession for the lemniscate.

Monday, July 23, 2012

What If......

What if the one thing keeping you going became the one thing that might be keeping you away?

I'm so sick of this thought.

Been trying to find excuses to drag myself to school. My attendance is shit but I tell myself to pull it up when deep down inside I know I am miserable. I am. Frackin'. Miserable.

My course never was something I dreaded so much. I definitely signed up and worked so hard for a course named Diploma in MEDIA & COMMUNICATION. Nothing business. I bloody worked so hard to retake my O's and worked hard to ace the interview for JPSAE.

They initially told us the difference between a Media & Communication course and a Mass Comm course would be that Media & Comm has A BIT of business integrated into the course.

How does roughly half your modules (being primarily integrated marcomm) constitute for A BIT?

I do not get it. I really don't.

Why do you think people actually left the course? I feel that the course has been mis-sold to us really and I know I'm not the only one who thinks that way.

For a month or so now I've been contemplating quitting school. I want to quit so, so, so bad. I cry ever so often over this issue but no soul knows about it because I don't tell anyone. I don't want to be seen as someone who escapes from her issues. Somewhat like "If the going gets tough Gwen must be weak because she just packed up and left."

My passion for DMC is dying. I tried so bad to keep it up I swear. I'm trying so hard.. but it's not working. Not to mention having classes at 8am every frickin' day and having CA after CA to submit.. I hate submitting slipshod work but that is all I find myself submitting now.

And I mentioned above how the one thing keeping me going is the one thing that might be keeping me away?

What if dance might be the one thing keeping me away from school. What if.

It was the one thing keeping me in school initially. I did skip school - a lot of times at that - due to dance/being exhausted from dance, but the guilt from leaving my groupmates to tank all that I cannot do due to whatever reasons is making me feel shitty. This guilt eats me up every single day and as nice as my groupmates are, I actually DO have feelings and I DO feel bad for making them do so much on my behalf.

I dedicate so much of my time and most of the time at school I'm worried about the stuff I have to do as a committee member of SDZ. But no one knows how fucked up this feels. Yes, I finally used the "f" word. Trust me it's taking a lot to hold that word back but it's not like anyone cares.

I lose this much of my sanity whenever something dance clashes with something school. I'm stripped of my freedom in life and I am definitely not happy and I think it shows in dance.

Everything I do now is slowly but surely becoming a burden to me.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

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