What If......

What if the one thing keeping you going became the one thing that might be keeping you away?

I'm so sick of this thought.

Been trying to find excuses to drag myself to school. My attendance is shit but I tell myself to pull it up when deep down inside I know I am miserable. I am. Frackin'. Miserable.

My course never was something I dreaded so much. I definitely signed up and worked so hard for a course named Diploma in MEDIA & COMMUNICATION. Nothing business. I bloody worked so hard to retake my O's and worked hard to ace the interview for JPSAE.

They initially told us the difference between a Media & Communication course and a Mass Comm course would be that Media & Comm has A BIT of business integrated into the course.

How does roughly half your modules (being primarily integrated marcomm) constitute for A BIT?

I do not get it. I really don't.

Why do you think people actually left the course? I feel that the course has been mis-sold to us really and I know I'm not the only one who thinks that way.

For a month or so now I've been contemplating quitting school. I want to quit so, so, so bad. I cry ever so often over this issue but no soul knows about it because I don't tell anyone. I don't want to be seen as someone who escapes from her issues. Somewhat like "If the going gets tough Gwen must be weak because she just packed up and left."

My passion for DMC is dying. I tried so bad to keep it up I swear. I'm trying so hard.. but it's not working. Not to mention having classes at 8am every frickin' day and having CA after CA to submit.. I hate submitting slipshod work but that is all I find myself submitting now.

And I mentioned above how the one thing keeping me going is the one thing that might be keeping me away?

What if dance might be the one thing keeping me away from school. What if.

It was the one thing keeping me in school initially. I did skip school - a lot of times at that - due to dance/being exhausted from dance, but the guilt from leaving my groupmates to tank all that I cannot do due to whatever reasons is making me feel shitty. This guilt eats me up every single day and as nice as my groupmates are, I actually DO have feelings and I DO feel bad for making them do so much on my behalf.

I dedicate so much of my time and most of the time at school I'm worried about the stuff I have to do as a committee member of SDZ. But no one knows how fucked up this feels. Yes, I finally used the "f" word. Trust me it's taking a lot to hold that word back but it's not like anyone cares.

I lose this much of my sanity whenever something dance clashes with something school. I'm stripped of my freedom in life and I am definitely not happy and I think it shows in dance.

Everything I do now is slowly but surely becoming a burden to me.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

Horrendous

That's exactly how I would describe my day. Horrendous.

The fact I skipped school because I was so focused on doing my CA for Radio & TV Production that I forgot the time, coupled by the fact that my pre-vetting vetting at dance didn't go so well and had me in tears, coupled by the fact my video meant for an outside client for a performance that Azrul had to meet was a bit cray just minutes before he came down to SP to collect the CD.........

Horrendous. Totally, utterly, horrendous.

I'm exhausted, out of my mind and stressed out with project after project slowly piling on like clothes in the laundry basket... well apparently I'm munching biscuits in a desperate attempt to keep myself awake now while Skyping with Steffi so pardon the weird English.

It's like, while conversing with Steffi it suddenly occured to me that I use words a tad bit too bombastic for everyday life. A bit of a Brit, I guess?

Just earlier I was telling her, "(Can't remember what I said in this part of our conversation) bonkers!"

And a few days back I texted a friend saying "Eh, make sure you text me instead. Her phone's a bit wonky."

Bonkers. Wonky. Oh bloody hell.

Anywho, I just want my life to be somewhat peaceful again. I'm exhausted, and so is my body. Going to school at 8am everyday is a chore and just last week I hit a new record for going to school the whole week without skipping any 8am classes.

Boy was I drained by the end of the week.

I literally camp in school from 8am-10/11pm every day. Life as a dancer in SDZ does not get any better than this.. sarcasm fully intended.

Oh well, back to my Radio & TV Production CA. Presentation's tomorrow and I'm only slightly more than 70% done. Ciao!

asdfghjkl

I need a haircut badddd. This is me and my bedhead at 6pm on a Sunday night because I'm too lazy to shower (also cuz I need to finish my work but haven't done so since I got up hur hur.)

I mean seriously, look at how long my fringe is. I can't stand it really, but I haven't found the time to get a proper trim and I'm deciding whether to leave my fringe long, or I'd trim it myself.

Y'know, I've decided that I need to lose some weight.

The 10kg I gained ever since I came into poly shall be gone! FATZ B GON.

So far I've lost about 1kg! My weight fluctuates like cray, so much so that it annoys me a lot. Prolly due to the fact that I drink a lot of water, like 3/4 of a bottle at a go. For my body type, it's apparently really hard to lose weight. Heavy bones + muscular..

So many skinny girls in Singapore to be compared to, how to not want to be thinner?

Can't stand how fat I am and watching videos of myself dancing makes me cringe. Ugh. That's how much I hate my own body now.

And if you hate it it's time to do something about it ;)

Thankfully my appetite nowadays is really much smaller! Plus the fact I'm dancing a lot now due to being a choreographer for the SDZ juniors' showcase... heh heh maximum benefit.

Don't worry, I don't intend to starve myself or cry whenever I gain 0.5kg like in the past. Nor do I want to be stick thin. I aim to be slimmer to be healthier, and thanks to the influence of Shirei I'm finding myself more conscious about my food choices because you never know what's in your food outside!

Always being chubby isn't what I want and I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I already can't stand looking at myself on videos and in photos. Explains why I seldom take photos nowadays and when people tag me in Facebook I'm just like 

"......................."

I'm just 

1. Cutting down on my food portions,
2. Drinking more water before meals to fill myself before I even eat,
3. Increasing my exercise time (would jog but my knee situation isn't doing me well - I'm not even supposed to dance now) and
4. When I eat supper I don't finish all of it - supper is the worst meal to have!

But I can't help it, given the fact that I dance from like 5/6pm all the way till 10/11pm almost every other day.. it's hard for dancers to actually have their dinner at what others would define as dinner time.

So my mom nags at me for having supper all the time. Oh well :(

Determination = Results, right?

Old school Elmo face tee that I bought from Twing back when we were still in secondary school. Hehe ok bye!

Colour Quiz

"Unhappy in her current situation or relationship, but is unwilling to change things due to her need for acceptance and belonging. Refuses to be seen as weak and although she is resistant to give too much to the relationship, she stays committed in order to feel the attachment. The situation depresses and irritates her, causing restlessness and impatience. She is seeking some sort of escape from the situation either physically or mentally, which affects her ability to concentrate."

.......so true

Ouch

So okay, I injured myself after my showcase item training 2 days back.

We pulled out the mats and started doing flips. Me being me, I wanted to nail down my landing for my front flips and well.......

..this happened.

I told myself, "Okay, one last flip then pack up and change for dinner. It's almost 11pm." (for dancers our dinner's usually around 10-11pm cuz we dance till late and we don't eat in-between. Sigh, my weight gain must've come from all the late "dinners".)

Some of the bboy juniors were giving me tips on how to land my flip, and after I told myself the above sentence, I jumped, flipped, and landed with my knee in my eye and a crack sound, which resulted in a swollen eye which couldn't be opened for the whole night.

The right side of my face went numb after that.

Yup, that was my 'one last flip' alright.


When I took the photo my eye hurt too much to open so throughout dinner and my train ride home my eyes were either in a squint or I just kept my injured right eye shut. Some of the dancers who didn't know I kneed my own eye thought I was sleepy cuz when I close one eye the other becomes small too (refer to photo above).


Got teased by the dinner gang. Boooooooo.......

And 2 days later it still hurts to look left/right/up/down. I can only look straight or it'll hurt my eye :(

Went to see a doctor yesterday and got 4 different meds for my eye and an x-ray done.

Popped by to school after to meet the dancers and we went out for ramen! Yum!

Finally brought them out to the ramen outlet at Cuppage Plaza which I always go to with Quin, Elie and Cheryl, but this time the ramen wasn't as good! What a shame.

Been really broke the past few days. I have absolutely no idea where my money goes to. Mostly good food, I guess?

Project date @ SP's Starbucks with my groupmates. 

Yummy in my tummy above: Dark Mocha (the only thing I ALWAYS drink at Starbucks thanks to my obsession with chocolate) and their new Blueberry Crumble Cheesecake!

I still want this San Fran Giants snapback. 

Been thinking about it for almost 2 weeks or so but the colour would be too hard to match with any of my dance outfits. What a pity.

Gonna meet this silly girl for dinz later at AMK Hub. Can't wait cuz I miss her and the brownies she baked for my birthday like craaaay.

Bye!

Eating @ Hatched

I realised I've been saying this a lot in the past few posts, but I haven't blogged much lately.

Been really busy, what with us being swarmed with presentations and submissions on the first week back at school. Next week will see us doing the same, especially with a test tomorrow (which I'm not done studying for yet).

Went to Hatched recently with Alex and Bev for brunch!

All photos in this post was taken with Instagram. My poor DSLR didn't have the juice to be lugged along that day :(

Heard quite a bit about it and decided that we should try it instead of the usual sushi and Seoul Garden buffet. 

We initially thought Hatched would be hard to find as I've read around that you'd have to walk quite a far distance in to Holland V to find it, and we were proven wrong after withdrawing cash as it was right around the corner!

I love eating eggs, and found it hard to pick which to order because they all sounded so good. In the end Alex and I decided to share a plate of eggs benedict. Can't really remember the name of the dish, but it was the one with beef and potatoes!

Sadly it wasn't all that good - prolly due to the beef - but the eggs were delish. Love it when an egg's well poached! RUNNY YOLK YUMZ. I guess I should've ordered the salmon one instead, prolly would've enjoyed it more.

Decided to order desert afterwards and we settled for F.T.P, which apparently stands for French Toast........... something.

Best french toast I've ever had, that's for sure.

Met the dancers after to get quotations for tokens of appreciation at Queensway and we had dinner at IKEA! Mmm I love the food at IKEA so much I swear. I think I go there more often to eat then to shop really.

But hey at least I bought a container to organise my stuff that day. Meh.

Oh well, back to studying for tomorrow's CP written test. Good luck to all my 01 babies (okay that sounds really weird if I used that on the guys........) for the paper tomorrow! And all the other DMC peeps.

"One stress, all stress together."

I think that's subconsciously our motto.

Happy rug-lovin', guys!

p.s. Check it out! The episode of WongFu Weekends for their tour in Singapore's finally out!

You can see a bit of Razis and I just before the introduction fades to black when we were screaming at the auditorium.

p.p.s HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST FRIEND CELINE XIE XJ <3