G E E B E E ▲ ∆

Gwendolyn N.
20 years young, a dreamer with a slight obsession for the lemniscate.

Saturday, February 16, 2013


Been a while since I last blogged here, so hi to anyone who still bothers to pop by.

Basically, life hasn't been good.

But you know what?

If people don't want you in their lives, why do you need them?

I can most certainly live without people who don't care about me, or people who would rather bitch behind my back instead of telling me I have a problem. Like they say, the ones worth keeping are the ones who stay by you when you are at your worst.

Focused a lot on DMC rather than SDZ and with so much free time, I've been reflecting quite a bit. I'll admit that I wasn't the nicest person on Earth, nor do I think twice about others before I speak. It became such a bad habit that it ticked off a lot of people who were close to me.

Been trying to change really hard, but habits don't die overnight. I still slip into that same old horrendous attitude that I really hate pretty often.

When I was reflecting on my actions though, I started to realise that I was so unhappy in dance that my attitude became like that because I was so unhappy.

I wanted to pour all the unhappiness inside me unto the people around me because I was that sour a fella. It couldn't find an outlet so it reared its mighty fugly head in the form of sarcasm and brutal honesty.

Before entering poly, I was genuinely happy. During my gap year, all I did was have tuition, study, play LAN with the bros and girls, work and basically while the days away. I was so happy and contented with life and I treated the people around me really well too. That was also when I looked my healthiest even though I wasn't eating properly.

Then came school. I was happy at the start, but then the stress and problems wore me thin.

I look horrible now. I look tired, period. Plus my attitude to my friends and family have never been worse. I'm perpetually angry and upset, and I think my groupmates are honestly the only people who make me feel more at home than anything.

With them I am myself. I've never felt the stress to be someone I am not, and I don't feel the urge to be angry or annoyed. I am so goofy that if they caught my silliness and stupidity on film I would probably be hired to be a comedian or a paid joker.

I've lost a lot of friends with this shitty attitude of mine, but then again it goes to show who will stay with you at your worst and who would leave you because they can't stand you. It's God's will, I tell myself. He's preparing me for the freedom I'll eventually feel.. not now, but eventually. When the time comes, I'll be enjoying it with the people who matter most too.

It depresses me a lot to lose so many people I once thought I was close to, but then again I've been finding solace in the people who know me best, through the good times and the bad -- my secondary school friends.

Went to Mrs Sidhu's place for CNY like we do every year and I'm glad to say the sailors have not changed one bit - well, except for the fact that the guys are now all either buffer OR bald!

We talked about army, fitness, sailing, running, diet, our secondary school days spent sailing and nonsense all day long.

What else to say other than I honestly laughed the most sincere, honest and hearty laugh I've laughed in the longest time? It feels good to be home. I was so excited I literally ran to Mrs Sidhu's place when I was at Sembawang. :')

I'm gonna be seeing them again soon, which is good. Second round of gathering, here we come!

YP threatens us with a marathon though because the next time majority of us will be free is prolly in the month of March, and there's a 21km marathon then.

Till then, brothers.

p.s. A thousand times happier in the two photos from year 1.


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