Hm..

So here I am.

I can't believe that I've decided to stay awake the night before my Law exam to mug because I have 3 topics left to cover.

I have been sick the past couple of days and it really affected my ability to study. I couldn't focus, couldn't remember things, always felt sleepy cuz of my medication.. kept coughing till my head hurt and throat went raw. Took 2 days just to cover one chapter. Worst. Feeling. EVER.

Shinhwa's here to accompany me for the night..

Yeah don't bother asking. I am craaaazy over Shinhwa now and the last time I fangirled over any Kpop group was back in 2009?

But Shinhwa's legit. 30+ year olds who are pretty hot.. reminds me of my other 30+ year olds in Japan – Arashi. Meeheeheeeeeee.

There, it's the little things like these make me happy(er).

Had a good night drinking at Clarke Quay despite my cough.

Dad was all, "Eh you're coughing ah. No alcohol!"
Me: "Yes daddy.."

And I ended up drinking anyways thanks to people who don't care if they get a cough from me. Pfft horrible.

Was supposed to head to Zirca cuz it was the last night but in the end I heard the crowd was crazy and people who went in couldn't even get around the place properly. Plus a fight broke out involving ambulances and a police raid so yeah.. happy last night Zirca! *sarcasm intended*

Yeah.. guess I had a good night with the girlies and the guys.

Can't wait to be done with Media Law tomorrow and I can finally partaye.. by eating good food with my girlies tomorrow.

Even the Shinhwa song I'm listening to now (Run) goes "OH EH OH, LET'S PARTY!"

I refuse to tell myself that next year I prolly won't ever get to work with them for project work or even see them in class often due to our practicums.. we all put different choices and all I can say is that I'll really miss them. They make me look forward to school, put a smile on my face.. everything. I may have officially known them well since last year since we were all working in different groups in Year 1, but I've never felt more blessed in my life to have a group of 3 girls like them.

Thank you for coming into my life, my girls (well we have no boys in our group and is the only all-girl group in our class heh) of The Legency :')


One last note.

I'm really thankful things got cleared up, all my doubts and all – gone.

We had a good breakfast too and for once it felt a bit more like the old times.. times that I've really missed thanks to my stupidity and awfully bitter perspective to life.

It's been 2 years, but I still am trying to change.

Then again, it's better to try no matter what than to stop trying at all.

And I promise you and myself that I won't lose my passion for dance. I won't give it up for friends, for anything. It's what I love to do, I don't do it cuz I have to do it but cuz I love it.. it's a part of me. So yeah.

During my study break I was dancing and all, trying to recall Khai and Val's Waves 16 item (which till now is still my favourite item out of all the Waves items I've been in). And I watched dance videos again to realise that I still get excited over dance. Like that adrenaline rush.

I need to have a little more faith in myself.

Scumbags of Society

I really hate being in such a situation.

How do you help someone when he has suicidal thoughts and feels he's depressed? Just because he's being bullied in school by bastards who really do not deserve to have friends even.

People who outcast him because they feel he's different or not worthy of their time?

They then proceed to go about spreading rumours of him and as a result effectively getting everyone to outcast him in school and in his CCA? That's bloody f*cked up.

Such people are effed up and not needed in society. Honestly, how would they feel if someone did the exact same thing to them? Put your bloody selves in the shoes of others before you do the shit you do because seriously it would hurt if someone did the same thing to you, wouldn't it?

So why would you do it to others if it does not benefit them?

What's so good about ganging up on one defenseless person who has no one to fight for him? Does it make you feel better bitching about him behind his back? Or does it make you feel better that you're bullying him in the open and making him seem like an asshole when he really isn't?

I'm taking advantage of the fact that (I hope) people don't read my blog now so yeah. Just need a venting outlet because this matter is driving me crazy. I can't seem to stop crying when I think of the situation he's in because I've been through that and honestly no one deserves to be treated like that, especially during his "O" Level period.

It breaks my heart, really.

You're only 16, you can get through this. I'm sure you will. Chin up!

I need my parents around so much more. I cannot handle this on my own. They're telling me, "You've been through it. How you overcame it.. just share it with him?"

Bullshit. Different people handle different things differently.

Is a game really more important than spending time with your children who are both going through a really hard time? You're absent all the time.. expecting us to be independent and to fend for ourselves.

What if we don't want to grow up? What if home is the only place we come back to just so that we can escape the reality of life, because we feel protected in the one place we can be ourselves in? Yet you aren't there to be there for us..

:(

Sigh.. okay enough of all the depressing things.

As mentioned in the previous post, everyone should go watch Shinhwa Broadcast - or Shinbang, after combining Shinhwa + bangsong (the Korean title of the variety show) together.

I started listening to their songs today on YouTube and was hooked. I haven't listened to K-Pop ever since my cray cray fangirling days of 2PM.. but that's all behind me now.

It's just Shinhwa. C'mon, they've been together for about 14 years or so? and are still going strong. They all served their equivalent of National Service (for us Singaporeans), got released and set up their own company called Shinhwa Company.

You gotta give them credits for that.

I went 'thrifting' with Steffi after our final presentation as a class, and we went to Cash Converters in search of a 'new' second-hand Wii game for me..

Only to get lost in the VCD/DVD section of the store, digging for lost treasures.

I found 《西街少年》– the whole boxset – going at $3, and we went crazy when we saw JunJin's face on a DVD cover for Let's Go to the Beach.

We never thought we'd find anything Shinhwa at such a store because all they sold were old but more popular shows there. And Shinhwa is pretty much unknown to the average Singaporean.

We thought wrong.

As we were glancing through more dramas, reminiscing about how we used to watch this show or that as a kid, we saw Eric's face at the side of a DVD boxset.



OH. MAI. GAD.

Okay enough about that.. just go listen to one of their older songs from their 9th album.

Reflecting

Been a while since I last blogged here, so hi to anyone who still bothers to pop by.

Basically, life hasn't been good.

But you know what?

If people don't want you in their lives, why do you need them?

I can most certainly live without people who don't care about me, or people who would rather bitch behind my back instead of telling me I have a problem. Like they say, the ones worth keeping are the ones who stay by you when you are at your worst.

Focused a lot on DMC rather than SDZ and with so much free time, I've been reflecting quite a bit. I'll admit that I wasn't the nicest person on Earth, nor do I think twice about others before I speak. It became such a bad habit that it ticked off a lot of people who were close to me.

Been trying to change really hard, but habits don't die overnight. I still slip into that same old horrendous attitude that I really hate pretty often.

When I was reflecting on my actions though, I started to realise that I was so unhappy in dance that my attitude became like that because I was so unhappy.

I wanted to pour all the unhappiness inside me unto the people around me because I was that sour a fella. It couldn't find an outlet so it reared its mighty fugly head in the form of sarcasm and brutal honesty.

Before entering poly, I was genuinely happy. During my gap year, all I did was have tuition, study, play LAN with the bros and girls, work and basically while the days away. I was so happy and contented with life and I treated the people around me really well too. That was also when I looked my healthiest even though I wasn't eating properly.

Then came school. I was happy at the start, but then the stress and problems wore me thin.

I look horrible now. I look tired, period. Plus my attitude to my friends and family have never been worse. I'm perpetually angry and upset, and I think my groupmates are honestly the only people who make me feel more at home than anything.

With them I am myself. I've never felt the stress to be someone I am not, and I don't feel the urge to be angry or annoyed. I am so goofy that if they caught my silliness and stupidity on film I would probably be hired to be a comedian or a paid joker.

I've lost a lot of friends with this shitty attitude of mine, but then again it goes to show who will stay with you at your worst and who would leave you because they can't stand you. It's God's will, I tell myself. He's preparing me for the freedom I'll eventually feel.. not now, but eventually. When the time comes, I'll be enjoying it with the people who matter most too.

It depresses me a lot to lose so many people I once thought I was close to, but then again I've been finding solace in the people who know me best, through the good times and the bad -- my secondary school friends.

Went to Mrs Sidhu's place for CNY like we do every year and I'm glad to say the sailors have not changed one bit - well, except for the fact that the guys are now all either buffer OR bald!

We talked about army, fitness, sailing, running, diet, our secondary school days spent sailing and nonsense all day long.

What else to say other than I honestly laughed the most sincere, honest and hearty laugh I've laughed in the longest time? It feels good to be home. I was so excited I literally ran to Mrs Sidhu's place when I was at Sembawang. :')


I'm gonna be seeing them again soon, which is good. Second round of gathering, here we come!

YP threatens us with a marathon though because the next time majority of us will be free is prolly in the month of March, and there's a 21km marathon then.

Till then, brothers.

p.s. A thousand times happier in the two photos from year 1.

p.p.s. SHINHWA BROADCAST. EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH SHINHWA BROADCAST BECAUSE ALL THE MEMBERS OF SHINHWA ARE TOO PRECIOUS. ESPECIALLY ERIC.