G E E B E E ▲ ∆

Gwendolyn N.
20 years young, a dreamer with a slight obsession for the lemniscate.

Monday, June 11, 2012


It's funny how the editing of my SDZ camp documents led to me downloading documents from my school's online student portal, which led to me organising everything and anything in my MacBook.

When sorting through my Pictures folder, I started reorganising my recent photos only to wonder why I didn't have a folder for my family's photos.

Then I realised I did - I transferred it from my external hard disc months ago.

Then I realised I had this photo of my (then) cute brother. Boy has time passed.

In fact, today has been 'a walk down memory lane' kinda day. While cleaning my room I went through so many old letters, birthday cards...... NEOPRINTS..

(While looking through my Neoprints, I swore to myself that I would show them to my future fiancee and let him determine if he still wants to marry me or something.)

It felt just like yesterday that I was that adolescent ahlian with the stupid mouth-closed-eyes-big-big smile teeny-bob period that most Singaporean girls would've gone through then at the age of 14.

From then to now.. I've done stupid things. Many, in fact. Today's walk down memorial lane left me thinking and thinking hard.

I grew up a happy kid. What gives?

I've changed too much the past few years - Became too arrogant, too selfish; too self-centered, too willful, too needy, too greedy, too spoilt, too guarded, too many thoughts, took everything/everyone for granted..

..less humble, less hardworking, less happy, less caring, less thoughtful and mindful of others, less carefree.

To people I've hurt and abandoned along the way: I apologise.

The me I knew a few years ago would never act the way I did, and for that I am sincerely sorry and the guilt eats me up each and every day. I got so caught up in myself and my own glory that I forgot about the mere existence of other people. It was me, all me. I could only think of myself and as punishment, I lost many along the way.

What did I stand to gain? Nothing.

What did I lose?

Everything dear to me.

I guess I snapped out of it a tad bit too late. I'm sorry I let you down, giving you a reason to hate me. I gave up on us when you never gave up on me, not once, not ever. I walked out first, I took the first step to publicly announce, "I'm leaving."

Only God knows how much I regret. I can never have my old life back, but I'll work towards making my current one a better one. People need to see me for the real me, not this self-centered, bitchy me.

To another; to you. I'm sorry things will never go back to the way they were when I first met and got to know you. You never got to see the real me. I've done and said a lot of things that hurt you, and I didn't realise it then but I do now and I regret it 100%. We were so close back then.. look at us now. You must despise me.

On a more depressing note, in a few weeks I will be losing one and I can't say I've not been living a day without thinking about him.

I haven't been praying much recently (again, self-centered) but I found myself talking to God and keeping him in my thoughts of late.

We grow up way too fast.

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