It's not that I don't care

I don't get myself.

I don't get you either.

Been thinking about it for so long.. too long, actually.

Finally gave up the idea of doing R! Recital this year. Was so excited about it but it all came to naught. Was terribly depressed about the idea of giving up the one thing that was making me look forward to dance because honestly, everything dance-related hasn't been going good for me. It doesn't feel good to dance in school, in T11, or with SDZ dancers anymore and – as much as I hate to admit – I'm losing my passion for dance.

You have no idea how much or how hard I cried when typing the long-ass message to Chun. No one will ever understand that feeling.

Because apart from the fact recital trainings made me happy while dancing, it allowed me to get closer to you again. We've been through so much, and no doubt I was the shittier friend and I will admit that no matter what because I know myself that I'm not a good friend, but I'm trying.

I was so happy that we finally have a reason to get close again, and I was hoping that at the end of this journey we would be as close as we were before, like the sisters that went crazy seeing each other, or the two that wouldn't stop hugging and squealing once we see each other because that was how genuine our friendship was.

What happened?

I never want to give you up as my friend, but it looks like you have.

Right here and right now I'll admit that I can't do without you. Days go by and I think to myself, how are you doing at your internship? Are you eating well? Are you still puking your food out due to your stress and your body rejecting food since you've been eating weird stuff at weird timings due to your company putting such a heavy workload on your shoulders?

There's so much about you that goes through my mind it's crazy.

Then again I tell myself, "Right, you don't care anymore. What am I doing.."

Wanna know why I felt so depressed I couldn't do recital?

YOU.

Imagine me, a pathetic crybaby, sitting at my MacBook typing out a blog post weeks back about how bitter I felt about not being able to be a part of recital.. crying and crying and crying.

The moment the recital song played on my iTunes, I cried even harder.

For what?

I'm thinking, that's the end. No more meeting you early for dinner before recital, no more rushing around to catch our last trains, no more suppers at Macs with you after trainings.

Because that's honestly the only time I ever get to repair this friendship with you. And I treasure every moment even though sometimes it's just us sitting there not saying anything because we're both so tired from whatever we were doing before – you, internship. Me, FYP/module work.

Things were getting so much better. I didn't dare tell you about how I initially started liking my guy because I was thinking how we were just repairing the friendship, could I even talk to you about such things that only came up usually during HTHTs?

But you found out, and even offered to accompany and help me look around for my first birthday gift ever to him. You were there to hear me ramble on and on about how I wasn't sure whether he was an S or an M because he was tall but lankier, you were there to Whatsapp and comment on my Instagram giving me that cheeky face emoji when I was sketching his card out and all.. things were looking up and for once I felt like I could talk to you about anything and everything again.

How much it hurt me when you dropped me after I told you I have to pull out of recital.. you'll have no idea. Because it already hurt me to not be able to do recital.. I just wanted you there to tell me it's okay.

But who am I to say you'll never understand?

I guess this is punishment for me being such a shitty friend towards you, no?

I hate not being able to talk to you freely as I used to, I hate not being able to do beary hugs with you or run to you and squeal and hug and not care that everyone around us is staring at us like we're looney, I hate the fact that I miss moments like the times you wait for me to come because you know I'm sad, so you hug me and let me whine or cry and when I'm done you'll pass me a pack of Malteasers because you know how those are (one of my) favourites.

I hate the fact I can't do my first recital outside SDZ with you, or be silly with you, sharing earpieces while dancing and trying not to do movements too big because the earpiece always falls out of either one of our ears.

You're that dear a friend to me, though I don't say/show it.

But you'll never understand that.

I have no idea what I feel right now. The anguish from the fact I know nothing will ever be the same again? The sadness I feel from losing a friend who took my first overseas trip without parents and roomed with me? The bitterness I feel from not being able to perform with you?

The sourness from the fact that I've not gotten over how me being a shitty friend has caused me to lose you in my life? In my dance life?

Losing someone from your life never feels good. It doesn't feel good ONE BIT.

I've already lost enough close friends in my life. I don't need to lose more. Just when we were getting better, too.

It never will feel alright, and I hate the fact that right now you just seem to push me away when you see me. Am I that repulsive?

Even now, I wanna Whatsapp you so bad to ask you to session the week after all my CA1s are presented and submitted, but I can't even pick up my phone to open up our Whatsapp because I don't know how you'll react and even worse – whether you'll reply me.

Then again, what am I thinking?

It's too late to say all these.

I never wanna give up on you, but right now.. I doubt you feel the same.

Oh, these times are hard, yeah they're making us crazy. Don't give up on me baby.

(Ugh at the apt lyrics making me feel more upset sigh.)

$$$

Our showcase for SDZ Camp was aweeeesome!

I see myself jumping around like a monkey at the start........ as usual.

Glad I managed to get the choreography down in 2 days because I haven't had much practice before this.

I'm so envious of everyone that has travelled during the holidays. It's like, everyone went/has been to places like BKK (sigh Shermin Sim's photos of the cafe with all the awesome cakes sighhhh mampos ah aku nak aku nakkkk), Australia.. even Malaysia. Me? I've been stuck in Singapore the whole time.

Really wanna get out badly. Even if it's for 3-4 days it's okay, s'long as I go somewhere.

Glad that the BFF's planning a trip to Batam with me for a weekend! Both of us initially wanted to plan a short trip to BKK but we can't go for too long cuz of her internship during her uni hols and also cuz it's my FYP period, so we figured it would be pointless and she told me I should go with other people instead. :(

On the other hand, The Legency's thinking of planning a grad trip to Korea!

So I guess I'm gonna try saving my internship pay like cray cuz I plan to set aside at least $2k to go to LA for a dance trip with Channie and/or Betts (who is having the time of her life there right now), and now Korea.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ sigh I'm already broke now but thank God for my $7/hr pay cuz I'm only working twice this month but I'll be earning $105! Compared to my job at Kidz Time – measly $5.50/hr pay – this is so much better.

For now I'll just focus on getting better because I've been coughing like nobody's business and of course, my first FYP presentation this Friday.

It's currently 3AM and I'm working on the slides still since I coughed myself awake sigh.

Wish me luck!

Happy Birthday Kon!

Happy 20th (okay fine, 15th) birthday Elizabeth Konstantin Kwek!

Hope you enjoyed the little surprise even though it wasn't much!

I don't think I've ever gone to someone's place at 12AM on their birthday just to surprise them, so please feel free to feel honoured hehe.

Her mom came up with the idea of preparing everything outside, then bringing into the room to surprise her since she was "too busy playing her game".

Caught her in the room while she was playing Maple Story.

Her reaction? Priceless.

As we sat there for a moment after her mom took photos of us (and kindly uploaded them all to Facebook, which is where I got these photos from. Thank you aunty Serene!), we realised two things: 1) We have been friends for 7 years. 2) That on her birthday last year I did something similar.

Last year, instead of going to her place at 12AM with a cake from Polar, I told her I wasn't able to make it for lunch. She went ahead with Sam and Rei, and when they were done I went to the place to surprise her with – you guessed it! – a cake from Polar. Success!

It's been 7 years, whoa.

A good 7 years with many ups and well, technically not many downs at all!

Thank you for being such an awesome friend, listening to my rants since we were 13 and joining in whenever I did lame and/or stupid stuff just for the fun of it.

Also, thank you for being so supportive towards me and my love for dance. You've been supporting me since day 1, and I felt on top of the world when you came down for SDZ Waves 16 with Quin and Cheryl.

Stayed at her place till 2am or so talking about anything and everything, especially about the days we were both still in Mayflower Sec.

Love you Elie.

Have a great one tomorrow!

Our first (proper) photo together, finally!

It's bad cuz I can't stop looking at it.

For anyone out there who needs a new pickup line of some sort, here's one from Elie and her mom: "I love you to the moon and back, because 月亮代表我的心。"

*shudders*

Okay, I'm yawning away.

Time to sleep! Goodnight y'all ;)

To the Moon and back

Good morning!

(Get ready for loads of selfies with twists in them.. think I'm too Asian for my own good)

Currently 3:40AM and I'm still up talking to Rei on the phone.

Cheer up my lub!

Sigh would really miss her when she leaves for Aussie again. Spent a good amount of time with her at AMK Hub after my job interview. Can't wait till I actually manage to save enough cash to fly there one day so that I could visit both her and Joey in Melbourne.

Then again I think my paycheck wouldn't be enough for everything.. I'm too greedy. Have yet to start work and my internship and already I'm thinking of what I could do with the money I save (that is if I manage to save much to begin with).

Sigh when I wink both my eyes disappear.

100% Chinese right here.

Meeting Rei tomorrow for Elie's birthday, before spending the rest of the day with Russell and then meeting my bestfriends who, like me, are all too busy.

Happy birthday in advance Elizabeth Konstantin Kwek!

You were one of my first few friends and clique-mates in MFSS, what with us both being from 1Endeavour and all. Even though we both grew up to like different things I'm glad we still easily find common ground and that we do lots of stupid stuff together. I hope I get to travel to Japan with you one day since it's both our dream destinations!

Thankful for the friends like you who stayed. :')

Happy 20th birthday my love!

And also, happy 20th Beanie!


Too many things go through my mind too often.

That isn't a good thing cuz right all I want to do is lead a drama-free life where I'm happy with all my friends and family, and that I just enjoy the days as they come and go.

I don't want to spend them thinking about dance, about projects (though I throughly enjoy doing work hehe), about what I shouldn't or should've done.. everything mentally unhealthy for a somewhat-happy person like me.

I haven't been the same Gwen everyone knew in Year 1, but I'm working towards getting back to my (genuinely) jovial self.

But yeah, I'm glad I get to spend the whole of tomorrow with people I love and enjoy being around.

People I'm extremely thankful for, as always.


And oh, I'm pretty sure you'll read this eventually (hehe stalker), but hi Russell.

(Inserts photo of us here, since we don't have one yet)

Would've dedicated a whole post just for you, but I'd feel shy doing that and I'm pretty sure I would have plenty of chances to in future.. so hi for now!

You were one of my closest childhood friends, then we lost contact for 10 years and on the 15th of June.. here we are.

Who would've expected?

I love you to the moon and back (you'll hear this a lot from me soon enough.. it's a phrase I use often on select people heh).

Thank you for everything, for accepting my flaws as they are and allowing me to see that sometimes the parts of me that I hate and think are extremely ugly could actually be lovable to someone.

I know I've said this to you before, but I really treasure our weekends together because that's all the time we get to spend with each other every week. I can't find any reason to take you for granted, nor do I find the need to get mad at you because every hour counts. What for spend it bickering on small and stupid things? (Honestly hoping this will never change.) Even before we got together, I was already ambiguously tweeting about how I looked forward to Fridays because I get to see you. You mean so much to me, and it feels pretty weird to know that someone thinks the same of me.. I never thought that I could actually mean anything to anyone really.

So a huge thank you for finding me and wishing me happy birthday after 10 years :)

I'll give myself a pat on the back for replying you even though it was a month later. Hee.

And oh, thank you for making me smile all the time and never getting tired of my smile. You have no idea how I feel inside whenever you tell me how much you love seeing me smile. I always feel like I wanna cry, but I tell myself not to be such a crybaby HAHA.

So yeap, here I am looking forward to the days I get to spend with you regardless of whether it's on Whatsapp while you're in camp, or in person when you've booked out.

All this seems pretty scary to me because I can't help but think along the lines of 'all good things come to an end'. It's scary to think how I might lose you one day.. but then I will never let you go.

I hope I do this right and never hurt you, be it accidentally or intentionally. I understand fully how capable I am of hurting someone, and I wouldn't want to hurt you.. ever.

Once again, love you to the moon and back Yiting.

Or maybe I should say "I love you to the stars and back" because I love stars a lot more than I do the moon. :)

Goodnight!

Shoot Dem Zombies

Finally able to shoot some zombies.

Thank you Steam for making me seem like more of an idiot. Ben had a good time laughing at my stupidity, especially since he was the one who gifted L4D2 to me.

But hey B&, if you're the one who gifted it to me how come you didn't realise it was to my first Steam account? And I know you'll see this please haha hm (yeap got the last laugh since you ended up not being able to play — when YOU'RE the one who asked me to go kill zombies with you — cuz you didn't download the game.... good job Ben!)

Don't know what's wrong with me and why I'm feeling affected and bothered really (when honestly, I know that I normally shouldn't/wouldn't be).. then again, seeking solace in shooting some zombies doesn't sound like a bad idea either..

Aaaand just in time, Brian Ting invites me to play L4D2! Yay excited but he's playing it on Beta mode zzz Brian WHY.

Oh well should just continue my work.

Crazy week ahead.

To the DMC people heading to BKK today (will forever regret not signing up for the BKK study trip sigh), have fun and enjoy your trip! Can only imagine what traveling with a whole bunch of people from DMC would be like.. fun and nonsensical!

Weird but I feel like I miss my classmates (going for the trip) already! Have fun 01, catch y'all when y'all are back!

Ciaos!

My Day(s) in Pictures

Good evening everyone!

It's finally the hols!

Hurrah for no(t as many) early mornings!

Was looking through my phone and found a few photos that I wanted to transfer but never did until recently so yeap here they are.

This is The Legency playing Fun Run after one of our FYP meetings.

Everytime we have nothing to do/wanna take a break, someone would be like "FUN RUN LEGGO!" and we'd all whip out our phones.

We even got Glenn to download it on his iPhone cuz he kept playing it on mine, and he's totally hooked. The last time they were at my place for filming, they couldn't stop playing it when we took breaks!

Chilled at Conrad Hotel on Sunday with Quinnie, Cheryl, Yingpeng, WinEe and Quin's sisters + her friends, one of which was also a Quinnie.

Drank Baileys that YP brought along as we played this game Jing introduced us to, which was quite fun. There's a bear/wolf, a healer and civilians. The bear/wolf kills someone every round, and everyone's supposed to guess who the bear/wolf is.

Jing was the bear one of the rounds, but we all guessed (and eliminated) WinEe instead, and he was trying to prove to us that he wasn't the bear hahaha it was so funny.

He died anyways, and Cheryl snapped a photo of him looking like the epitome of depression, what with his beer bottle in hand, lying on the bed while eating a Snickers bar and all.

Quin brought this game along!

Used to play this all the time with the 1E'06 people when we were all in what, sec 3? We recalled how Deyuan once had a card that said dragon or something, and we refused to let him clear the card.

Example:

"And when we entered the realm, there was a flying-"

DY: *looks at us expectantly*

"......no Deyuan, no. There was a flying PENGUIN."

DY: AH, DAMN!!

Sigh I really miss the 1E'06 peeps. Tightest class ever hehe all the way.

Bumped into Becca Ten in FC5 on Wednesday.

Ended up going to the FC5 toilet and we stood there talking about random things cuz of the fan inside the toilet. Then we both realised how stupid we were cuz FC5 itself has aircon and it's so cold inside!

We tried to take a picture that sorta resembled this photo we took months back..

呵呵像不像？

Took a trip to the Singapore Art Museum with Palette Productions on Thursday for our site recce.

It was totally amazing. I've always wanted to go check out the museums here in Singapore and when I got to SAM I was so happy.

Would definitely drag people to go there again with me someday so that I can actually take my time to check out the works instead of having to rush about. There are gonna be some new installations coming up soon I think! And I'm really excited for my next visit there.

We also visited the other museum across the road, which was more for kids I guess?

Check out their cute exhibitions:

Hello Acap!

Went to the Thai food place at Far East Plaza after filming to have lunch/dinner and to ask for permission to film and feature the place!

The last time I came here to eat was after the Gatsby Finals and the dancers didn't order the mango sticky rice.. but yay the Palette Production peeps wanted to eat it so we shared it amongst the 8 of us there! T'was so good, but definitely not as good as the cheap one I ate at Krabi when I was there for December sailing camp in sec 3.

I wanna go on some food journey around Singapore someday. Would be good to travel to locations I seldom explore, armed with my baby DSLR in hand no?

Met Geisel after and accompanied her to have her dinner at Shokudo.

Shared the waffle with her and we were so full after. We didn't even finish it.

Headed down to Recognize Studios for recital training, only to strain a muscle while warming up and training for splits.

The flooring was slippery (the studio's bloody cold so when we sweat and full out, the mirrors fog up like cray and the floors become wet from the condensation) and we were training our front splits again as usual.

Then I accidentally tilted my foot a bit too much and the side of my Converse (boy are rubber soles dangerous.. they've caused me to slip and/or fall twice in the same week) caught the damp flooring and tada! I slipped and spent a minute or two rolling on the floor in pain.

Chun came running over as the girls who were beside me all hovered around me trying to help me stretch and she was like, "Dear ah I think you've just pulled your muscle. It's okay, common for dancers. I pulled the exact same muscle before. Later I'll pass you deep heat and all and you go home and rub okay?"

I was like, "NOOOOOOooooOoOoOOOoooo0oO0oo"

Spent the next 2 hours sitting on the floor trying not to move my leg, using only my arms to dance so that I could at least let my arm muscles register the moves sigh. Muscle memory.. mmhmm.

Surprisingly it's totally fine now.. just aches when I sit in certain angles but all's good! I've experienced worse heh heh (like my old toe injury).

And sigh my iPhone...............

Could totally live with the crack though. Makes my phone look kinda cool.

Need to be less careless sigh.

By the way, Irwan sent me this picture and told me it reminded him of my girls' item for the 2012 SDZ Junior Showcase, since we used Rihanna's Birthday Cake song.

"He want dat cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake."

Couldn't stop laughing when I saw it.

My Saturday was well spent :)

Met up with some of the sailors at AMK at night for Now You See Me and dinner. Too bad Yingpeng couldn't join us cuz he was at his LOTR concert thing. Bummer, I miss that bro of mine.

Makes me really thankful for the sailors' Whatsapp group cuz without it I doubt the few of us would be meeting up as often. Miss all the good ol' times.

Sadly I won't be able to officiate the next regatta sighhhh moneyyyy. Quin got a "pay raise" from Jhing though so she now earns $40 from officiating haha while I would still earn $30 or so per day. Hopefully Jhing decides that she needs people for Sunday so that I could go. Really miss spending a whole day out at sea on a boat, pulling up rusty anchors and all (no sarcasm here AT ALL. I actually do miss that feeling)!

Okay, the master of procrastination shall end here and resume her work (which, after a day, she has yet to complete).

Bye!

Sigh..

The one bloody time I fall..

My iPhone screen cracks and my MacBook Pro dents damn badly.

What. The. Actual. FRACK.

I've dropped my phone so many times and not once did it crack. The one time I slip and fall, THE IPHONE CRACKS AND THE MACBOOK DENTS AT ALL THE RIGHT PLACES. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

My knee hurts now and I scraped my palms slightly. But my heart hurts more from the "injuries" my babies suffered sigh. And just today on the way home after FYP meeting I was telling Steffi, "I don't think I'm gonna change my iPhone.. quite comfortable with my phone eh plus I love this cover which saved it a lot of times."

Save it a lot of times MY ASS. I think God heard me and is now telling me that it's time to change my phone. But there's nothing I can do about my MBP sigh best surprise to come home to well done Gwen.

Oh well, distraction from the rather obvious dent on my left time. Shall continue editing my online portfolio (lai lai see see at http://geewend.wix.com/geebee whee Wix.com I love you for being awesome and Steffi I wuv you a ton more for helping me out with it) and to continue editing ze FYP stop motion + documents sigh sigh sigh this is gonna be one hell of a week, what with site recce tomorrow (I hate hate HATE site recce) and filming on Saturday which I – sadly – cannot be a part of.

June 4th, 4:04AM Inspiration

Forever my favourite S**t Kingz choreo.

Who doesn't love watching 4 charismatic guys dancing with so effortlessly with so much swag and confidence?

And the song choice.. perrrrfect. It's on loop now teehee.

I'm trapped in my room cuz there's a cockroach outside. 

Almost stepped on it when I was on my way to the kitchen to wash the dishes sigh what luck. Just squealed (rather silently) and did this weird thief-tiptoe thing around my dining table so that I could still make it to the kitchen.

2nd night in a row I'm bumping into cockroaches at home SOMEONE SAVE ME.

Ah just as well, gotta be up early tomorrow for Nepal OCIP meeting again and the CASS kids decided to take charge of ice-breakers. Alvin and I are leading hehe. The benefits of having attended too many camps to count (and being Day Games IC for the most recent CASS FOC AY13/14).

Just hope that I would actually hear my name being called when they announce the results of who made the cut on Friday after the trek (which I am super stoked for). Would be real bummed out if I didn't but then again I would be happy cuz that means I can continue being a part of R! Recital Vol. 2.

Would be extremely sad going back to Recognize next Thursday to ask if I could claim back my $20 for the Recital pack. Ugh can't imagine how sad I'd be on the way home.

Guess life still isn't fair.

I'm actually reading back on all the posts labelled "Dance" and I came across my old posts during my Hip Hop 1-3 course period, when I was still close to Jolyn, Daryl, Guohui, Tiffy etc. I'm glad most of them are still dancing now (except the army boys but I was so touched that they came down for last year's Waves 17 to support me, even giving me chocolates) and that I still keep in contact with most of them.

Came across this statement I wrote: 

"Anyone who has really tried to understand my love of dance would know that I've been dreaming of the day I'd join a crew that I could hang out with, dance with and just be myself around since... ever. I guess I've found them ;) We may not be good, our moves not clean, not tight, but at least we're enjoying the experience as it comes!"

I guess that's the main difference between me then and now.

It was always about the experience and just taking things as they come.. but now I always think about the need to please others, how it's a must to at least get into the finals, how I wanna get to at least Top 16 in every battle I join..

I need to stop pressuring myself and giving myself unnecessary stress. I guess it's only then would I be able to truly enjoy and love what I do best again.

I miss that passion I once had.. gotta find it back.

But for now I can't sleep cuz I can't stop thinking about forgoing R! Recital Vol. 2 and it's frustrating me to no end. Can't believe I'm gonna be in camp GL/OC mode tomorrow afternoon on like 4 hours of sleep. Plus SDZ AGM after Nepal OCIP meeting............... fun.

Well the 4:04AM inspiration's definitely working cuz I'm blasting music and freestyling in my room now hehehe.

Saturday!!!!!

Bitter

I feel like such a baby.

I can't believe I'm just sitting here tearing away cuz I know there's nothing I can do about this.

How was I so stupid to not realise that the Nepal OCIP trip clashes with R! Recital Vol. 2? And I was so bloody happy about being a part of it too.

Attending trainings on Thursday nights there are the one thing I look forward to every week – dance-wise. It's the one place I don't feel judged, and the one place I feel like how I was back in the day before I got into SP and SDZ.

Dancing there makes me feel free and sane, like no one would care if I made a mistake this training or scream at me for being the usual klutz I am.

And that's what makes me sad.

Like, I finally found a place where I could be my usual smiley self while dancing, where I laugh off my mistakes and mentally make a note not to do the same mistake the next time I full out, instead of finding a corner to cry everything out (because yes, I've been doing that a lot the past few years).

I'm worried I'll never feel this feeling again.. not for a while at least.

My passion's dying and it makes me really sad to think about it?

Was talking to Arynah about not being as passionate about dance anymore after our OCIP meeting today, and she told me "Actually yeah, can see ah. Like last time when you talk about dance you get all enthu and all. Now you're just like, like that lor."

It's affecting me so badly and I think about it all the time.

I don't look forward to battles anymore, I don't look forward to trainings anymore (infact I skip it whenever possible, and in the past I would turn up 30mins - 1hr early for training), I don't look forward to anything except cyphering and sadly I haven't been attending any sessions so I've yet to properly cypher in months.

Cyphering's the other thing that makes me smile heh. 

Gotta love cypher circles. I still remember how I used to feel songs so easily.. to the point that Ben Chia once played this particular song and everyone let me take the whole song myself just cuz I could. Like freestyling 4mins straight like some crazy person. Whoop whoop that was AMAZING.

Makes me so bloody bitter to think about my dreams of going to NY/LA to dance after graduating. My dream was to teach others and to inspire them to dance. I didn't care about how much it would earn me, I just wanted to teach and spread how joyful dance made me.

OH MY GOD THE RECITAL SONG JUST PLAYED ON MY ITUNES AND IT'S MAKING ME CRY EVEN HARDER WHAT IS THIS.

Well if you can't do anything about it, just cry and get over it. That's what I always think.

I need to stop crying so easily and so often.

I think I'm just burned out from everything last year.

Dancing used to make me feel free, it was a form of self-expression and now I just feel that when I dance it's for PERFORMANCES, to PLEASE PEOPLE, to EARN MONEY. And sadly these reasons were not the reason why I loved dance since I was in pri 3, and not the damned reason why I spent hours locked in my room since then teaching myself through videos on YouTube for 3 whole goddamned years.

I did not love dance since young to feel this way about it. UGH.

At least for now there's the 4v4 battle this Saturday to look forward to. Am pretty confident we won't go far but it's always the experience that matters. Lai lai sarpork sarpork!

Mm

I hope you're doing well.

I'm sorry I wasn't around much, but I'm trying.

I'm sorry about how I'm always sorry, if that even makes sense.

Crap, I'm turning into Gil Ra Im from Secret Garden.

p.s. A glimpse of my Skype IM convo with Min. This is why I love Shermin Sim, thank you bbg haha for making me cry in the weirdest of situations (due to your nonsense).

Me: i feel bad sia
Me: cuz its like
Shermin: why not b omg
Me: i have this thing where i don't like being happy around my friends who aren't
Me: like rubbing my happiness in their faces
Shermin: i am like so happy
Shermin: whenever
Shermin: you tell me things
Shermin: DON'T BE AFRAID TO TELL ME OKAY
Shermin: cause it actually makes me happy more than anything
Me: wow
Me: you know you just made me tear
Shermin: gwen rt if u cryed
Me: RT
Me: RTRTRT
Me: crying now
Shermin: HAHAHAHAHAH
Shermin: gwen pls. rt if u cryed

-A while later..-

Shermin: SIDETRACK
Shermin: Tambi: dei u kno mikrosoft ofice
Shermin: Anjek: no dei but if u gif mi teh adres I can find 4 u da
Shermin: Tambi: anjek y u do dis
Shermin: Rt if u cride everitiem

................. and this, ladies and gentlemen, is my friend for you.

Did (Not)

I don't know what to feel.

Just saw the results and I don't know.. I really don't.

Sigh what is wrong with me.

I don't even understand what the hell's going through my head right now. It's a mixture of relief and regret but for now the emotion that hits me most is most definitely regret.

The best part's that I didn't even try. I didn't even bother giving it a shot. Told myself from the start that I would regret it if I got in, but now I regret not even trying so bad.

This is prolly why I always try out for anything and everything without questioning myself.. and the one time I did /not/ try is the one time I finally understand why I always have the "Just go je! Do only je! Try je!" attitude.

Gotta keep my motto in mind: Everything happens for a reason.

It's too late to regret now anyways. I was dumb enough not to give it a shot, totally passed the opportunity up.

Ah well, there's always next year.

All the best to the team! Will be rooting from the sidelines.

At least the start of June has a possibility of being fun, what with the hotel stay with some of my batch's sailors, and Paul – happy graduation! – finally found time to jio me out for L4D yayyyy gonna shoot all those zombies in da head and get the frustration I have at myself done and over with. Herey, herey! Calling all who play L4D and not feel that it's a girl's game! 2 more slots left (to join us)!

And tomorrow I'm gonna see Ryan Higa at the YouTube Fan Fest! Thank you Sicafaise for asking me along even though you won the tix! Love you to the moon and back bbgurl!

I finally saw the 2013 Hip Hop audition video Richard made and even though I spot myself a lot (downside of being one of the few helpers is that you get filmed quite a bit), boy am I proud. The video's so good! Defo chose the right guy to take over my role.

Fell asleep too many times while I was out with the Legency girls earlier.

Left school early only to head straight to SGH.

I even fell asleep during the FYP briefing with SingHealth while we were at SGH.. my actual clients oh God. Thank goodness the other groups were there too but I was in the guy's line of sight sigh.

Steffi took another photo of me sleeping and I finally decided to collate my sleeping photos from just my groupmates alone. Steffi sent me at least 9 photos of me sleeping either in school or while I'm out with her.

Posted a collage of some of the photos and it has almost 60 likes on Instagram eh HELLO GUYS WHY Y'ALL LIKE MY UNGLAMNESS SO MUCH.

I think I'm known as the girl who always falls asleep during Agency mass lecture from last year hahaha oh well I'm sorry that I get really sleepy when the airconditioning's too cold.

Man.. so much to do, too little time.

Gwen, now's not the time to be all OCD and perfectionist all.

Terribly demotivated now.. and a bit feverish.

Till next time.

xx

I am Happy(er)

When life gives you lemons and unnecessary stress, dance it out.

When dancing gives you lemons and unnecessary stress, join an outside studio recital for the first time and feel free for once while dancing.

I missed the joy and freedom I used to feel while dancing, and how I used to laugh off my mistakes instead of stressing over them.

But I felt and did the opposite today.

Looking forward to every week's Recognize Studios Recital (girls' hip hop) training. 9.30pm-11.30pm may be late but what is sleep when I get to truly enjoy what I love doing again?

Finding someone who genuinely cares about and wants to improve your welfare as a dancer makes a lot of difference, so thank you Chun. My legs still burn from all that stretching but hey I now realize I can actually split with my right leg infront too! 

I CAN SPLIT BOTH WAYS NOW MUAHAHAHA CAN YOU FEEL MY EXCITEMENT I AM TYPING IN CAPS. Must've been from all the stretching AnAn used to do with us. Wait till I train my center split... I will brag like crazy then.

Training for standing splits too but okay, one side at a time Gwen.

I might have a sprained shoulder + burning knees right now from today's waacking session, but it was worth it. Thinking this way – how the pain's actually worth it – was actually how I was like when I was so 'on' about dance. I could have a sprained ankle, almost-faint and yet still find the willpower to carry on.

Please save September 13th and come watch R! Recital Vol. 2.

Things/people that make me happy: Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, macarons, dance, sleep, games, family, friends.. and now my fellow girls' hip hop item people ♥♥♥

That is all.


p.s. Whoever has been on my ask.fm, giving me advice about my knee and telling me you know how it's like dancing with a bad knee, I may not know you, but thank you :)

Rant

I have no idea what the hell is up with me.

Been blogging here a lot recently.. kinda realised that writing here feels kinda therapeutic. To write and think about anything, anything else – that's honestly all I need right now.

People keep asking what's up, what's wrong, etcetera.

The best part? I feel as if I can't talk to anyone about this because I know some will never understand how I feel, while the others would just judge.

I just.. need a break.

Or I just need to stop doing things for the sake of others/pleasing them. I'm so drained but I continue on how??

I sometimes wish this were still the holiday period. Could just coup myself up at home playing games, reading, sleeping, watching movies/shows..

Or play with Baby M. She never fails to make my day and I was really happy that I got to see her when I went to my grantaunt's for dinner. She was sitting snuggly in my lap when I told her to press my camera button herself, and she did!

Well this smart girl can even go around 'taking orders' for coffee from my older relatives at the dinner table, asking, "Total how many people?" and asking how many want coffee only to scream to the maid in the kitchen, "10 COFFEE!!" even if there were only like 5 adults at the table.

So okay hi I'm back.

I've always snapped people out of shit, why can't someone just be straightforward with me and tell me to snap out of this nonsense? It's been going on for too long, and for once I've hit my own limit. I can't be smiling 24/7.

Y'all always think I'm some happy person, always smiling, cracking jokes, making a huge fool out of myself.. But the hardest I've laughed since a few months back was when Arynah showed me the faceswaps she did on that app today.

I miss laughing so heartily.. genuinely? Could do that for 15mins straight in the past (Mdm Suhailah's English class in sec 4, I still remember. Just cuz she said "ahpunehneh").

God I miss being in secondary school.. everything was a lot easier back then.

:'(


Oh well.

Was quite bummed out that I couldn't send dad to the airport today but the bro did! My mom refused to go cuz she didn't want to stand there crying again.

I heard my dad telling her when she went off to work, "Aiyoh gia la gia la, ho la." ("Aiyah just go la go la can one la.")

I went out of my room asking him what that was all about, and he said my mom was crying when she went into the lift.. :'( my parents are such a loving pair that I find myself wanting to marry someone who would be just as sweet as my dad or love me as much as my dad loves my mom.

Silly, huh?

Then again I guess the relationship between your parents indirectly affects the kind of relationship you would have/allow yourself to have.

Spent my day with The Legency girls + guy (hehe sorry Glenn you know I love you bro) talking cock, joking around, trying out faceswaps (Ms Wang – Media Law lecturer for those who've forgotten – took my face, Arynah and her bf taking each other's faces.. priceless!), eating Arynah's cupcakes, watching Shinhwa's tour clips with Steffi..

..and working on our FYP. Hehe.

I'm glad we're almost there, and we have a month to spare to touch up and add on more research and analysis. Hate how we're doing it on organ transplant awareness though.

I have so much to do in terms of visuals and I'm running out of ideas which is really sad?

Oh yes thanks Aruah sayang for the cupcakes! Hehe she always gives me this face when I call her Aruah, like how I call Jessica 'Sicafaise' and Steffi 'Stoof de Doof'.

In my defense I have a lot more nicknames given to me this year alone than all the nicknames I've given them combined over the past 2-3 years.

Monday Steffi started calling me "Gwon" (prolly cuz I always try to say simple Korean phrases in the UGLIEST slang anyone's ever heard). Peemeelee heard and started calling me "Igwona".

Brought Stoof's Wacom Bamboo tablet home to draw graphics out for the vodcast's opening sequence! It's gonna be gooooood hehe looking forward to it. I would love to get a tablet after I start working again.

I think I'm gonna die a horrible death. I have to work with After Effects for both FYP and Space Media when I'm still horrible at it.

Wish I could rely 100% on just Photoshop and Premiere Pro instead.. but oh well.

Time to get started cuz I've been procrastinating like crazy.

(Though.. to be honest I think I'll continue sitting here, rotting away.)

Hi and bye from Gwendee and Sicafaise!

想当年2。。。

So I came home today and unpacked everything from my bag only to notice this..

No extra points for guessing what my favourite colour is!

I still have my red pouch from my mom and extra red notebook from Joey (for Christmas! Think I've yet to properly thank you so Joeyeyey if you ever see this – thank you! And I miss you and your face that are now in Aussie boo....).

Tried to clear some stuff and while looking through my folders I found lots of old photos. Just had to post these up:

I looked so derpy (but cute) with my short hair + center parting.

Still remember how we took these during our field trip to Little India in pri 6.. some of the best times of my life thus far.

Ironically, Rachel P. and I hated each other back then. The silliest argument we had – so silly I still vividly remember it now – was when we had some sort of a free period? It started like this if I remember correctly:

Me: YOU STUPID PREFECT!!!
Rachie: YOU THEN STUPID LA.

And we continued hurling stuff like that each other while squatted around a table (I think we were discussing class work or something with one of our classmates.. might've been Cel). So the person seated at the table was all "o_o" at us haha.

Rachel has no recollection of the argument whatsoever though.

Some best friend huh?

But all's well.. hehehe Cel and her lion hair.

I really miss the both of them. We have a Whatsapp chat group that we hardly use now cuz we're all so busy just being in SP/NUS – both my bestfriends are smart. Hurry back from New York with our Princeton University tees Rachie! :>

"Yeah I got into Princeton University.....

.. to sightsee."

That's my bestfriend for you. Think I know where I got my errrrrrrrr ok moments from.

Since I have nothing better to do, I shall revise what we've learnt last year in Design Thinking/The Agency since my group was working on it today for FYP:

PERSONA

GUILTY GWEN

Age: 20 (boy am I old)

Education: Student of Diploma in Media and Communications (DMC) in SP

Allowance: $80/week

LIKES:

• Dancing
• Reading
• Aesthetically pleasing things
• Photography + Videography
• Hands-on learning
• Having personal time
• Hanging out with friends
• Playing games
• Sappy dramas
• Being free
• Slacking at home

DISLIKES

• Morning commute to school
• Ugly powerpoint slides
• The fact she hasn't signed up for BTT
• Theory-based learning
• Being too busy
• Lack of sleep
• Sloppiness
• Last minute arrangements
• Being constrained
• Camping in school for projects
• Having too much to worry about

Need Statement:

"I need to not be late for Monday's FYP classes."

Okay jokes aside, I really need to find a way to be on time for Laura's Monday FYP tutorials. I think she has this impression that I am #foreverlate cuz last year when she took over for Ms Sherin, never once was I on time.

I think it's the Curse of Ms Laura. I've improved a lot in terms of reaching before the 15min grace period when Sherin was still teaching us SOCM!

MUST. BE. ON. TIME.

I think she only marked me present for our first FYP tutorial. Other than that I've always ran in after the 15-minute mark so she always marks me absent. Sighpie. Technically I can't "skip" anymore Monday classes without MC cuz I've already used up my 25% attendance?

Ah well.


Can't wait to see The Legency on Wednesday at Steffi's for group discussion cuz Stoofee De Doofee bought cupcakes from Spatula Bakery while her Writing Lab group was there to conduct the interview with the owner!

Hehehe she got me the Milo Dinosaur one (knowing my love for chocolate).

And Aruah (Arynah) baked/got(?) us pretty cupcakes too from yesterday! I LOVE MY GROUPMATES HEHEHE.

The day they get me a box of macarons will be the day I officially declare my love for them and their haram-ness. Tak halal ah sia babi!

Shall bake soon, but I can't figure out what to try.

Maybe I should work on my frosting skills again? But frosting's a bitch to play with really.

Here's my annoying face before I head to watch K-On and hopefully fall asleep while doing so.

Ah well. Goodnight from my stuffed toy dog and I!

p.s. WATCH THIS!! Steffi and I couldn't get enough of it.

I LOVE YOU LITTLE MIX

The Very Best

So I just saw these photos on Facebook from Edward's album.

"The very last sailing inter-school for MF"

Looking at the photos of the juniors placing their medals on Jhing.. heh I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now.

I really miss her. She was honestly the best coach ever out of the 2-3 coaches my batch had. Can't believe she still contacts my batch to go down and help officiate the regattas (and we get paid, yay).

SIN442 guys! Old sail, old sail hehe

Gotta love this photo of Jack and Justin helping pull a boat back to the wash point. I miss the sails I used for interschools!

Did a photoshoot with my practicum groupmates today for the visuals of our video podcast CA1.

Once again, surviving a long day on 3 hours of sleep!

(The fact that I came to school with my dress on backwards prolly proves that I lack sleep. But whatever biatchez I am cool like that hurhur.)

Dad sent me to school today though. His first day back in Singapore and he's already back to his old routine of sending my brother and I to school. Really glad that he's back for the week!

P A L E T T E  P R O D U C T I O N S 2013

Hamka: "Do you know why people urinate in private?"

Arynah and I: "No, why?"

Hamka: "Cuz urin-secure, don't know what for!"

I can gladly announce that I have found someone as lame as I am.

C'mon people, match my sense of humour HAHAHA.

And now I'm actually contemplating going for the blood donation that the SP Red Cross has on today. 

I'm absolutely terrified of/abhor needles though so I'll just sit here and freeze to death instead while waiting for my classmates to be done with their individual group discussions. Then I won't have to put myself through the horror of thinking about the whole thing (I'm such a weakling ugh).

Yeap.. that sounds like a good idea.