#me

Day 1 of the plan starts tomorrow.

A bit bummed out because some of the exercises listed needs equipment like weights and all and I only have one type of them. Plus there's the problem with my knee, so I'm gonna have to find alternatives to the exercises I can't do.

I already had McDonald's today for dinner ugh because I told mom to get me "anything" for dinner and my bro wanted McDee's so out came McDee's. Bleugh I feel like there's a Fillet-O-Fish monster in my tummy now haha but at least mom was smart enough to know which burger from there is under the OK category.

Because it's a total of 90 days I hope I can stick to it really.

I'm never one to stick to my dieting or exercising habits but with this guide I WILL be able to stick to it.

90 days to a better, slimmer, fitter, healthier me?

#teamleggo??


Sorry for the sudden influx of posts.

The blogging bug hit me and I decided there's only one thing to do.. BLOG

You Say It Best

The DMC kids have finally slayed the giant of year 2: MMR

Dun dun dunnnn

Glad to have gotten that done and over with! 2 more projects and I am a free girl once again.

How was your week?

In Love with SeGa

I am officially hooked onto Secret Garden.

Rushed through watching the whole series in a matter of days as a break inbetween my project work and I can't tell you how hooked I am. It's weird because I haven't fangirl-ed over anyone/thing for a while now and I am crazy about Hyun Bin. Hyun Bin sshi ah...

"Kim Soo Han Moo, geo bukgi wa doo roo mi, Sam Cheon Gab Sa Dong Bang Sark, chi chi ka po sa ri sa ri sen ta. Weo ri weo ri se bbu ri ka.."

Watch this and tell me which girl doesn't want such a moment with her boyfriend?

M

You, never tried to and never will understand how much it hurts to be me right now.

I've been containing it all inside me. Does it not make you wonder why my behaviour suddenly changes for the worse at home? Or that I may have been suffering? My weekends are precious, do you not see that?

No, you've not tried to think or to put yourself in my shoes.

And that's what hurts.

What If......

What if the one thing keeping you going became the one thing that might be keeping you away?

I'm so sick of this thought.

Been trying to find excuses to drag myself to school. My attendance is shit but I tell myself to pull it up when deep down inside I know I am miserable. I am. Frackin'. Miserable.

My course never was something I dreaded so much. I definitely signed up and worked so hard for a course named Diploma in MEDIA & COMMUNICATION. Nothing business. I bloody worked so hard to retake my O's and worked hard to ace the interview for JPSAE.

They initially told us the difference between a Media & Communication course and a Mass Comm course would be that Media & Comm has A BIT of business integrated into the course.

How does roughly half your modules (being primarily integrated marcomm) constitute for A BIT?

I do not get it. I really don't.

Why do you think people actually left the course? I feel that the course has been mis-sold to us really and I know I'm not the only one who thinks that way.

For a month or so now I've been contemplating quitting school. I want to quit so, so, so bad. I cry ever so often over this issue but no soul knows about it because I don't tell anyone. I don't want to be seen as someone who escapes from her issues. Somewhat like "If the going gets tough Gwen must be weak because she just packed up and left."

My passion for DMC is dying. I tried so bad to keep it up I swear. I'm trying so hard.. but it's not working. Not to mention having classes at 8am every frickin' day and having CA after CA to submit.. I hate submitting slipshod work but that is all I find myself submitting now.

And I mentioned above how the one thing keeping me going is the one thing that might be keeping me away?

What if dance might be the one thing keeping me away from school. What if.

It was the one thing keeping me in school initially. I did skip school - a lot of times at that - due to dance/being exhausted from dance, but the guilt from leaving my groupmates to tank all that I cannot do due to whatever reasons is making me feel shitty. This guilt eats me up every single day and as nice as my groupmates are, I actually DO have feelings and I DO feel bad for making them do so much on my behalf.

I dedicate so much of my time and most of the time at school I'm worried about the stuff I have to do as a committee member of SDZ. But no one knows how fucked up this feels. Yes, I finally used the "f" word. Trust me it's taking a lot to hold that word back but it's not like anyone cares.

I lose this much of my sanity whenever something dance clashes with something school. I'm stripped of my freedom in life and I am definitely not happy and I think it shows in dance.

Everything I do now is slowly but surely becoming a burden to me.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

Horrendous

That's exactly how I would describe my day. Horrendous.

The fact I skipped school because I was so focused on doing my CA for Radio & TV Production that I forgot the time, coupled by the fact that my pre-vetting vetting at dance didn't go so well and had me in tears, coupled by the fact my video meant for an outside client for a performance that Azrul had to meet was a bit cray just minutes before he came down to SP to collect the CD.........

Horrendous. Totally, utterly, horrendous.

I'm exhausted, out of my mind and stressed out with project after project slowly piling on like clothes in the laundry basket... well apparently I'm munching biscuits in a desperate attempt to keep myself awake now while Skyping with Steffi so pardon the weird English.

It's like, while conversing with Steffi it suddenly occured to me that I use words a tad bit too bombastic for everyday life. A bit of a Brit, I guess?

Just earlier I was telling her, "(Can't remember what I said in this part of our conversation) bonkers!"

And a few days back I texted a friend saying "Eh, make sure you text me instead. Her phone's a bit wonky."

Bonkers. Wonky. Oh bloody hell.

Anywho, I just want my life to be somewhat peaceful again. I'm exhausted, and so is my body. Going to school at 8am everyday is a chore and just last week I hit a new record for going to school the whole week without skipping any 8am classes.

Boy was I drained by the end of the week.

I literally camp in school from 8am-10/11pm every day. Life as a dancer in SDZ does not get any better than this.. sarcasm fully intended.

Oh well, back to my Radio & TV Production CA. Presentation's tomorrow and I'm only slightly more than 70% done. Ciao!

asdfghjkl

I need a haircut badddd. This is me and my bedhead at 6pm on a Sunday night because I'm too lazy to shower (also cuz I need to finish my work but haven't done so since I got up hur hur.)

I mean seriously, look at how long my fringe is. I can't stand it really, but I haven't found the time to get a proper trim and I'm deciding whether to leave my fringe long, or I'd trim it myself.

Y'know, I've decided that I need to lose some weight.

The 10kg I gained ever since I came into poly shall be gone! FATZ B GON.

So far I've lost about 1kg! My weight fluctuates like cray, so much so that it annoys me a lot. Prolly due to the fact that I drink a lot of water, like 3/4 of a bottle at a go. For my body type, it's apparently really hard to lose weight. Heavy bones + muscular..

So many skinny girls in Singapore to be compared to, how to not want to be thinner?

Can't stand how fat I am and watching videos of myself dancing makes me cringe. Ugh. That's how much I hate my own body now.

And if you hate it it's time to do something about it ;)

Thankfully my appetite nowadays is really much smaller! Plus the fact I'm dancing a lot now due to being a choreographer for the SDZ juniors' showcase... heh heh maximum benefit.

Don't worry, I don't intend to starve myself or cry whenever I gain 0.5kg like in the past. Nor do I want to be stick thin. I aim to be slimmer to be healthier, and thanks to the influence of Shirei I'm finding myself more conscious about my food choices because you never know what's in your food outside!

Always being chubby isn't what I want and I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I already can't stand looking at myself on videos and in photos. Explains why I seldom take photos nowadays and when people tag me in Facebook I'm just like 

"......................."

I'm just 

1. Cutting down on my food portions,
2. Drinking more water before meals to fill myself before I even eat,
3. Increasing my exercise time (would jog but my knee situation isn't doing me well - I'm not even supposed to dance now) and
4. When I eat supper I don't finish all of it - supper is the worst meal to have!

But I can't help it, given the fact that I dance from like 5/6pm all the way till 10/11pm almost every other day.. it's hard for dancers to actually have their dinner at what others would define as dinner time.

So my mom nags at me for having supper all the time. Oh well :(

Determination = Results, right?

Old school Elmo face tee that I bought from Twing back when we were still in secondary school. Hehe ok bye!

Colour Quiz

"Unhappy in her current situation or relationship, but is unwilling to change things due to her need for acceptance and belonging. Refuses to be seen as weak and although she is resistant to give too much to the relationship, she stays committed in order to feel the attachment. The situation depresses and irritates her, causing restlessness and impatience. She is seeking some sort of escape from the situation either physically or mentally, which affects her ability to concentrate."

.......so true

Ouch

So okay, I injured myself after my showcase item training 2 days back.

We pulled out the mats and started doing flips. Me being me, I wanted to nail down my landing for my front flips and well.......

..this happened.

I told myself, "Okay, one last flip then pack up and change for dinner. It's almost 11pm." (for dancers our dinner's usually around 10-11pm cuz we dance till late and we don't eat in-between. Sigh, my weight gain must've come from all the late "dinners".)

Some of the bboy juniors were giving me tips on how to land my flip, and after I told myself the above sentence, I jumped, flipped, and landed with my knee in my eye and a crack sound, which resulted in a swollen eye which couldn't be opened for the whole night.

The right side of my face went numb after that.

Yup, that was my 'one last flip' alright.


When I took the photo my eye hurt too much to open so throughout dinner and my train ride home my eyes were either in a squint or I just kept my injured right eye shut. Some of the dancers who didn't know I kneed my own eye thought I was sleepy cuz when I close one eye the other becomes small too (refer to photo above).


Got teased by the dinner gang. Boooooooo.......

And 2 days later it still hurts to look left/right/up/down. I can only look straight or it'll hurt my eye :(

Went to see a doctor yesterday and got 4 different meds for my eye and an x-ray done.

Popped by to school after to meet the dancers and we went out for ramen! Yum!

Finally brought them out to the ramen outlet at Cuppage Plaza which I always go to with Quin, Elie and Cheryl, but this time the ramen wasn't as good! What a shame.

Been really broke the past few days. I have absolutely no idea where my money goes to. Mostly good food, I guess?

Project date @ SP's Starbucks with my groupmates. 

Yummy in my tummy above: Dark Mocha (the only thing I ALWAYS drink at Starbucks thanks to my obsession with chocolate) and their new Blueberry Crumble Cheesecake!

I still want this San Fran Giants snapback. 

Been thinking about it for almost 2 weeks or so but the colour would be too hard to match with any of my dance outfits. What a pity.

Gonna meet this silly girl for dinz later at AMK Hub. Can't wait cuz I miss her and the brownies she baked for my birthday like craaaay.

Bye!

Eating @ Hatched

I realised I've been saying this a lot in the past few posts, but I haven't blogged much lately.

Been really busy, what with us being swarmed with presentations and submissions on the first week back at school. Next week will see us doing the same, especially with a test tomorrow (which I'm not done studying for yet).

Went to Hatched recently with Alex and Bev for brunch!

All photos in this post was taken with Instagram. My poor DSLR didn't have the juice to be lugged along that day :(

Heard quite a bit about it and decided that we should try it instead of the usual sushi and Seoul Garden buffet. 

We initially thought Hatched would be hard to find as I've read around that you'd have to walk quite a far distance in to Holland V to find it, and we were proven wrong after withdrawing cash as it was right around the corner!

I love eating eggs, and found it hard to pick which to order because they all sounded so good. In the end Alex and I decided to share a plate of eggs benedict. Can't really remember the name of the dish, but it was the one with beef and potatoes!

Sadly it wasn't all that good - prolly due to the beef - but the eggs were delish. Love it when an egg's well poached! RUNNY YOLK YUMZ. I guess I should've ordered the salmon one instead, prolly would've enjoyed it more.

Decided to order desert afterwards and we settled for F.T.P, which apparently stands for French Toast........... something.

Best french toast I've ever had, that's for sure.

Met the dancers after to get quotations for tokens of appreciation at Queensway and we had dinner at IKEA! Mmm I love the food at IKEA so much I swear. I think I go there more often to eat then to shop really.

But hey at least I bought a container to organise my stuff that day. Meh.

Oh well, back to studying for tomorrow's CP written test. Good luck to all my 01 babies (okay that sounds really weird if I used that on the guys........) for the paper tomorrow! And all the other DMC peeps.

"One stress, all stress together."

I think that's subconsciously our motto.

Happy rug-lovin', guys!

p.s. Check it out! The episode of WongFu Weekends for their tour in Singapore's finally out!

You can see a bit of Razis and I just before the introduction fades to black when we were screaming at the auditorium.

p.p.s HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST FRIEND CELINE XIE XJ <3

想当年。。。

It's funny how the editing of my SDZ camp documents led to me downloading documents from my school's online student portal, which led to me organising everything and anything in my MacBook.

When sorting through my Pictures folder, I started reorganising my recent photos only to wonder why I didn't have a folder for my family's photos.

Then I realised I did - I transferred it from my external hard disc months ago.

Then I realised I had this photo of my (then) cute brother. Boy has time passed.

In fact, today has been 'a walk down memory lane' kinda day. While cleaning my room I went through so many old letters, birthday cards...... NEOPRINTS..

(While looking through my Neoprints, I swore to myself that I would show them to my future fiancee and let him determine if he still wants to marry me or something.)

It felt just like yesterday that I was that adolescent ahlian with the stupid mouth-closed-eyes-big-big smile teeny-bob period that most Singaporean girls would've gone through then at the age of 14.

From then to now.. I've done stupid things. Many, in fact. Today's walk down memorial lane left me thinking and thinking hard.

I grew up a happy kid. What gives?

I've changed too much the past few years - Became too arrogant, too selfish; too self-centered, too willful, too needy, too greedy, too spoilt, too guarded, too many thoughts, took everything/everyone for granted..

..less humble, less hardworking, less happy, less caring, less thoughtful and mindful of others, less carefree.

To people I've hurt and abandoned along the way: I apologise.

The me I knew a few years ago would never act the way I did, and for that I am sincerely sorry and the guilt eats me up each and every day. I got so caught up in myself and my own glory that I forgot about the mere existence of other people. It was me, all me. I could only think of myself and as punishment, I lost many along the way.

What did I stand to gain? Nothing.

What did I lose?

Everything dear to me.

I guess I snapped out of it a tad bit too late. I'm sorry I let you down, giving you a reason to hate me. I gave up on us when you never gave up on me, not once, not ever. I walked out first, I took the first step to publicly announce, "I'm leaving."

Only God knows how much I regret. I can never have my old life back, but I'll work towards making my current one a better one. People need to see me for the real me, not this self-centered, bitchy me.

To another; to you. I'm sorry things will never go back to the way they were when I first met and got to know you. You never got to see the real me. I've done and said a lot of things that hurt you, and I didn't realise it then but I do now and I regret it 100%. We were so close back then.. look at us now. You must despise me.

On a more depressing note, in a few weeks I will be losing one and I can't say I've not been living a day without thinking about him.

I haven't been praying much recently (again, self-centered) but I found myself talking to God and keeping him in my thoughts of late.

We grow up way too fast.

Tumbling

Almost puked today and ugh I hate puking so when I was leaning over the toilet bowl I stopped myself and swallowed it back down. It was horrible. Haven't felt this sick in forever but now I can't sleep due to my stomach being such a bitch. 

 So here I am up and doing more camp stuff since we are technically in a race against time for this. Time was never on our side for this, sadly.

Since I've been home, sick today with a bad tummy, I've been having my Hellcats marathons inbetween doing all the SDZ camp stuff.

And boy am I addicccccccccccccted!

I want their bodies. Do you hear that? It's me sighing. They're so toned and fit.

All I've done between episodes was to watch tumbling tutorials. Can you imagine me doing what the guy in the video's doing? It's amazing! I do miss being a gymnast.

Next up on my bucketlist? Nailing down
1) A back handspring, 2) A front handspring, 3) A front walkover, 4) A Round Off

Round offs should be the closest to what I can do. Hm, somersaults - check. Handstands - check and check. I presume - from all the videos - that a round off is just a somersault but you snap your legs close in the end?

Should pester Zul on that tumbling gym he goes to. I REALLY want to learn how to tumble :(

Hello Again

Hi guys! Check out the new SDZ Comm 2012 photo. Thought it looked pretty cool after the editing and all.

I may be just the publicity head but hey I do take pride in my role!

Anyways.. a huge warm hello to anyone who still reads this space! I haven't had the time to actually update my blog, as you can see.

This month's been pretty crazy for me, what with all the CA's and SDZ committee stuff for me to do. Trust me when I say the word 'crazy' is sorta underrated to use for such a situation.

On days with committee meetings, I've had to rush back and forth from The Agency (that's where we DMC peeps do work nowadays since most of our classes are there) where my groupmates and I discuss and finish up projects, and to our meeting areas at either Mob or the main library, then rushing back to The Agency again after we're done with our meeting. It's CRAAAAAAAZY!

But hey I enjoy being kept busy, so I consider it a feat because I've never seen myself multi-task so well before.

And oh, congrats to everyone graduating recently! My Facebook timeline has been flooded with photos and albums of people graduating - from SP to NP to NYP and TP! Met a senior of mine after her graduation ceremony and boy did I love that feeling. It made me wish I was graduating too.

A little achievement I've had recently was getting Top 16 for Get Down! Vol. 5. It might not be that big a feat to those reading this now, but over 100+ particpants... and I got Top 16. Not to mention it's only my second public battle. Wow. Once again, it's crazy.

Got such good comments from Zaihar, Daniel and D.T. that it made my day even better!

I came home that night and the first thing I said was "Gerald! GERALDDDDDDDD!"

My brother came out of the room and gave me this confused face. So did my parents. My mom and dad were asking me what's wrong because I'm not the person to affectionately call my brother out of his room first thing when I come home.

The feeling when I calmly said, "Top 16!" and my brother's "OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" reaction + a hug = priceless

Mom

I have no idea why but I suddenly felt like blogging about my mom.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm spending a lot less time at home now due to dance. When I leave home for school my parents are either already at work (that's the case for my dad) or asleep (my mom), and when I come home from dance at around 12-1am almost every night, my parents are already fast asleep.

Due to all this I only see my parents a few hours per day? Sometimes even lesser than that.

Aaaand due to the huge decrease in the amount of time I spend with my family, I actually notice a lot more about them now then I ever did.

Like how my mom is undeniably aging.

(And to emphasize on that fact, we talked about how she has become a 'lao gim' or grandaunt and how I am now a proud aunty because of my little niece Nicole.)

It pains me to admit but everytime I look at her I notice the fine lines on her face, her increasing amount of grey hairs.

My mom is nothing but an awesome - although very cheesily put - Superwoman in my eyes.

Recently I've been overwhelmed by fatigue. I've been pushing my body to it's limits with very little hours of sleep each night and VERY long dance hours and it's finally getting it's revenge.

When my mom found out, all she could do was to try to coax me to sleep earlier each night. She'd shoo me to her room after I'm done showering so that she could use the hairdrier to dry my hair, and I'd normally fall asleep for that short period of time.

She would make sure my dad fetched me to and fro whenever he was free, and cared for my weak tummy when I complained how much pain I was in because she knew I was too tired and too lazy to care for myself at this point of time.

A mother who wakes up at 6am every day to make lunch for her fussy, weight-concious and healthy-eating-obsessed daughter. A mother who cried when she found out her kid was going through a rough time in school. A mother who makes her kids' beds every time because she knows they both wake up late and rush for school. A mother who fulfills her daughter's ridiculous demands..

I love my mother, and I seldom say this to her or my dad because I am not the mommy/daddy's girl kind of person. I've always loved and appreciated them but I'm not the type to get all lovey-dovey with my parents. But I definitely have been telling my mom I love her a lot more often now.

I can't imagine what it'd be like to lose her.

She is such an amazing woman and frankly speaking she's taught me a lot. Even though I got my stubbornness from her and my fiery temper from my dad, they've both taught me to keep these in check and I've never been more thankful for such a supportive and loving family.

Whenever my friends look at the food I've brought from home and tell me stuff like: "Omg your mom is so awesome!" and most recently - from Jessica - "You wanna swap moms?".. I feel all....... warm and fuzzy inside.

I need to start showing my parents how much I love them and how much I care.