After Effects of After Effect

This is my I'm-so-bored-in-class-I'm-Photoboothing-even-though-I-sit-right-infront-of-my-lecturer face.

From this photo I can derive at a few things:

1. My hair hasn't grown much ugh it looks so short here :(
2. I'm bored to the point I'm blogging again.
3. The 3 hours of sleep's not doing any good for my face. Infact I haven't been resting much at all.
4. My skin's getting better after months of breakouts, so.. yay!

If I had Visual Design every school day I'd get my blogging bug back. I'm so bored cuz I have no classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. When I tell my juniors that they all go on about how their Year 2 timetable's basically shit and all I do is sit there, trying to empathize.

Oh well, been there done that. I had 8am classes every day in year 2.

As for today, I blame the fact my lecturer's After Effects files can't be opened on my MacBook.

It's like, information overload much. I see why Ashwind told me it was okay that I overslept for yesterday's class (which was also another After Effects tutorial by the same 'guest' lecturer) cuz he was talking about how dry the lesson was and how everyone just gave up halfway. Everyone's just tweeting about how bored they are.

I'm not even halfway done sigh cuz I had to meddle with all the files that didn't work on AE for me so thank goodness this isn't some examinable subject and that I don't find it a must to use After Effects for my group's CA1 video podcast.

We're so bored that Amanda, Syark and I are tweeting about how Syark farted in class. Real classy guys, real classy guys. :)


Plus it doesn't help that it's so cold in class, my knees are aching real bad.

Mom told me she pities whoever marries me in future cuz we'd be spending a lot on medical bills. Dancers and our dancers' bodies sigh.

I've not had the chance to rest my knees recently due to trainings for our SDZ AGM and all, and right now it hurts to walk and cross my legs again, so I presume I'm back to square one. Physio has been good but I need to find time to go for treatments too so that it'll heal faster. Don't want this to drag till Waves trainings especially since I hope to finally choreograph an item this year.

Okay yay we're finally doing something new and interesting! Bye guys!

p.s. I'm panicking over something and I don't even know why.

The Story of my Life (thus far)

I recently saw an ad on television for some competition. 

Can't remember what it was all about, but the lines I remember hearing were "Send in your entries about what your passion ... and win a trip to-"

Passion.

Where do I even begin with this?

Alright, I know:

"Where has my passion taken me thus far?"

I've been on a really long journey with dance. There have been a lot of ups and of course a lot of downs that followed.

Being a Year 3 student studying Media and Communications (a course known to be project-heavy), I realised I couldn't devote all my time to dance and SDZ anymore.

"And you auditioned to be a junior for bboy? Oh the irony."

I don't know. I can't say my journey with dance has been a smooth one, and right now I can't help but feel conflicted with myself.

Before I continue, I just wanna say this to some people that I've really hurt badly over this whole thing with dance, or to anyone I've neglected in Year 1-2 as a result of being too devoted to dance when my passion took off for real the moment I passed my auditions for SDZ and became one of the 50 (and sadly the number's now reduced to 11) of my batch to actually get the chance to be a part of this amazing CCA.

Not like y'all read my blog anymore I guess.

I've kept this bottled up for the longest time ever, and nothing hurts me more to know how many people I've lost when I swore to make dance my career. That includes family.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it was a stupid thing to do nor am I implying that I don't love dance anymore.. it's just that I've recently become jaded. My love for dance is still there, no questioning that, but my "GO JE!" attitude for it has been worn thin.. really thin.

Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean I don't regret anything. With each and every passing day all I feel is guilt and regret, and yet I don't have the balls to do shit about it as much as I want to.

Either that, or I actually do something about it but end up screwing it up further. I spend my nights crying knowing that I can't salvage the situation anymore.

I miss all my old friends from Mayflower, especially my old clique of girls whom I grew up with. 

I may always talk about and be thankful for my best friends from Aitong, or my other cliques of girlfriends I met in MFSS, but deep down inside I always think and thank God for this particular group of girlfriends because they were there for me at my lowest, which was when I flunked my "O" Levels. They studied with me almost every day, we had the best laksa yong tau fu together.. good times.

Even my closest friends from poly know about them, and when someone brings them up either I or another person in the clique would go, "EH SENSITIVE TOPIC, SENSITIVE TOPIC!"

I've had this bottled up since the end of Year 1.

All I have to say is that I was an idiot, I became a jerk and got too high and mighty when I got recognised for my talents as I've always loved dance since primary 3, and I am truly sorry.

One day.. one day.

Okay enough of my digression.

There have been too little 'ups' and too many 'downs' of dance.

I played too much in my first year of poly. My friends always told me to focus more in the first year but I never took their advice in. I danced too much, neglected my studies too much. Became known in DMC as either the girl with a big bag that contains all her dance clothes (I once carried around the army backpack so that I could lug my thick sweatpants around instead of having to carry around a bag, a shoebag and a laptop case), or the girl who always had dance.

I was never in school during the Waves production period due to rehearsals or due to the fact I was too exhausted from spending 8-10 hours having intensive training in school every other day.

I would always prioritize my dance friends over any other group of friends.

One friend even told me once (as we discussed why I have been single for about 2 years) that I had not dated for such a long time because my life was devoted to dance. I had no time to get to know people, no time to hold conversations with anyone who wasn't a dancer. 

"Of course you've been single la!" she exclaimed.

Sigh.

Then again there are the 'ups' I can never be thankful enough for.

To become part of the uh-mazing SDZ Committee for AY12/13, to have performed countless times and in 2 Waves productions.. to be in such a position when others could only dream of it. Wow.

I had so much fun and it won't stop here for sure. Waves 18 is coming up!

The highlight of my dance 'career' thus far was the day we had one of our first vettings for Waves 16. Me being me, I had no idea what to expect and just danced with lots of passion and heart, and Ryan called me his "Favourite Dancer", or "F.D.", as Unkle termed it.

I can never forget how during the debrief, he said out of the hundreds of dancers sitting there in MPH, only 2 stood one. One was an alumni and the other was – surprisingly – me.

How I stood there crying because he told the rest to learn from me, what with a 100% attendance and all and how I gave my all even though this was just a vetting.

What an honour.

I spent the next few hours crying tears of joy and receiving hugs and congratulations from my SDZ mates.

This year has been an amazing year, no doubt.

I'm extremely thankful I got to reconnect with my sailors again thanks to Whatsapp (which I have this strong love-hate relationship for).

As I type this right now, David and Jack are going on and on about which university to go to after army, what course to study and all. It's quite amusing because I know I will be that girl that could never enter NUS or NTU as much as I want to, which makes me feel stupid compared to my cousins who were and currently are RGS, RI, RJC, HC, St. Nics and ACS(I) kids.

But hey, it's okay. I'll find some way to succeed in life.

(Dad's still against the idea of me taking a year off after poly to attend a dance academy in New York, but I'm working on it.)

This year, I've learnt to set aside more time for myself, my close friends, my sailors, my family.

I'm trying to be more positive, to not let what I've done haunt me. I used to laugh off the mistakes I made while doing choreos during training, now I dance as if there was this invisible gun pointed to my head.

I need to stop taking everything so seriously.

I'm still on a never-ending journey with dance, but heck, I'm now trying to find the old Gwen from Mayflower who couldn't stop smiling and being a goofball 24/7.

Before I end off this blog post and say goodnight (gotta be up in 4hrs), here's a photo of me and Liyi's ootd after FYP class on Monday.

We coincidentally wore matching outfits!

There has been absolutely nothing to do in school right now that even the idea of going to school bores me. Thank goodness the practicum I chose was a good one as compared to the others (Agency Startup, Writing Lab, some self-study project thing, Centre for Social Media).

So guys, if you're from DMC and aren't too sure of which practicum to choose when you're in Year 3, please, please PLEASE pick Space Media.

I can't wait to see my Legency girls and – now with Glenn in our FYP group – guy tomorrow after practicum. It sucks that out of all of us in The Legency, I was the only one to choose Space Media sigh but I'm thankful I have quite a few 01 peeps there.

From DMC/FT/1A/01, to 1B/01.... now we're at DMC/FT/3A/01.. wow, I've been with them for 3 years.

Time flies, huh?

Goodnight!

Oh wait, that's a photo of Nasir.


p.s. Have you seen this video the Year 2 DMC kiddos did for DMC Connect 2013?

Look at Fil and AJ. Cute la you two!

I miss my CASS Freshmen Orientation Camp (FOC) mates sooooooo much :(

Hi

A couple hours back I was exhausted to the point that I actually fell asleep while riding my bike earlier on with my bro.

..and now I'm just awake. Well okay 75% awake.

Was thinking of whether to catch up on 2 Broke Girls or to start watching the new show that I downloaded, when my playlist titled "Anime" started playing on my iTunes. Now I really have this urge to rewatch Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny again. But that'll mean I would've watched both about 5 times or so? I SOUND LIKE AN ADDICT.

It's amazing how this anime goes all the way back to when I was still primary 5 in Aitong School and it played on.. what was the channel? really late in the night. Cel and I went crazy over it, like we could discuss it all day long in school the next day. I think she still has the box sets from Poh Kim!

I really regret not buying them in the past even though I bought the ones produced for Shaman King.. but oh well, there's always the Internet!

And oh, I really did fall asleep for a short moment while riding my bike.

Closed my eyes and the next thing I knew I found myself riding on the bumpy grass in Bishan Park, which was what woke me up.

Makes me quite sad that I get tired by 10-11pm nowadays, it's like I won't be able to jog/workout/go midnight cycling around the Upper Thomson area, all of which I love doing after 11pm cuz it's really quiet and the roads are empty. :( sigh.

Was supposed to go to USS with Chan, Chan's brother and Daryl + his bboy crew tomorrow but it turns out most of us backed out, which I feel really bad about.

Isn't it amazing how small the world is?

Turns out Daryl knows my brother AND Chan's brother, and they actually sesh bboy together. Like they're kinda in the same crew and all?

Chan and I always thought that our brothers didn't know each other cuz, well, what are the chances? The SG dance scene may be really small but it's not like everyone will know everyone.

Met Daryl at the SDZ bboy auditions and he was like, "Are you Gwen? I'm Daryl, Chan Huei's friend." Small world small world SMALL WORLD.

I really hope I made it through the auditions for bboy.

I've never felt so nervous about something dance-related in the past 2 years and to suddenly feel that adrenaline rush.. that feeling where you want something so bad that you tremble just trying out for it. Wow. Sam came to me and was like "DUDE CALM DOWN MAN WERE YOU THIS NERVOUS WHEN YOU AUDITIONED FOR HIP HOP IN YEAR 1?!" and I was like, "Er, duh Sam! I want this so bad."

Then again, I figured if I didn't get it, it might be a good thing due to my knee. My physiotherapy session today was quite a waste of time but it's good to hear that my stability's getting better. Kneecaps still wobbly though, and my physiotherapist scowled at me in this damn-gurl-you-ain't-meant-to-dance when he heard I would prolly be doing a lot of dancing if I get into bboy.

Makes me wonder where all that spunk, drive and passion for dance went.

Ugly Commuters

I have no idea how I should go about saying this, but..

*deep breath*

I find Singaporean commuters really, really horrible.

(And really, REALLY ugly.)


If you haven't scrolled down yet to see how massively long this post is, be warned, be very afraid, because this my friends, is a wordy, ranting post.


I noticed this way back, but it's only after I started wearing my knee brace that I saw how truly uggggghley they are.

It's like, sure, I may not be in a cast or walking around with the aid of crutches, but I wear this knee brace for a reason. It would be nice if those people sitting there pretending to 1) be asleep or 2) be busy reading and fumbling around for things would kindly let me sit down because standing the whole train ride sometimes makes my knees hurt and burn.

I'm not joking. They burn.

Guilty yet? No? Okay join the other hundreds of people I've met who have graciously pretended that my knee brace was invisible.

Y'know, the ironic thing is that the only person thus far to actually have a heart and a sense of awareness to those around him/her was prolly not a local (she was..... probably from China).

She actually looked guiltily at me as I stood there with my mom in the cabin and kindly asked, "Your leg.. do you need to sit? Really? No?"

So for those who have been thinking oh how awful these Chinamen are or oh they are just the worst! What scum and stuff really need to reflect. Are they really the ugly ones here in Singapore?


The worst experience I've had so far was, ironically, on a bus. (Did I mention it was on my 20th birthday?)

I say 'ironically' because of the fact that when I take this bus at this particular hour, it's usually empty. Which is why I take it in the first place so that I can actually avoid standing on the train with the Ugly Commuters.

So okay, I was standing there. No big deal, my knees are fine, totally holding their own and being strong, screaming "YES GWEN, YOU CAN DO IT YOU GO GURL GO GO GO YOU ARE STRONGGGGGG!"

Then slowly, I felt them ache. Their words droning on in my head like a cheerleading squad losing their mojo and their spunk.

So okay, I turn around, and someone gets up, obviously about to alight.

OOH A SEAT. NICE.

Just as I was about to go sit down, this dude around my age standing beside me (infront of the seat) QUICKLY RUSHES TO IT like some aunty rushing into a mall having 90% off, MALL-WIDE.

Then he happily puts his bag on his lap and sinks into the seat as a way of saying, "Ah yes this is the trophy I rightfully deserve for running 20cm to it."

I just stood there thinking, er, okay???? Like dude, I'll find another seat since my journey to SP is almost 45 minutes long.

A few stops later, this other person sitting at the back of the bus gets off and I'm like, YES! A SEAT! and as I made my way to the back (I was standing at the back door of the bus), this other HUNKY, MUSCULAR GUY/MAN/DUDE (highly emphasized because I want you to hear me screaming at the other end of the computer screen) – again, around my age – RUSHES PAST ME like another aunty who spotted that there was a sale going on at the opposite end of the road, and he rushes to the seat and sits down.

He then repeats what Guy #1 did, as if to tell me HAH YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE. SUCK IT.

At this point of time I was already getting grumpy because my knees were feeling the strain.

Then I finally got a seat.

Well done, Gwen. Give yourself a pat on the back. You totally deserve it.

Like, it totally infuriates me!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello? Can y'all stop pretending that my knee brace is invisible and actually be kind enough like the lady who offered me her seat?

I feel totally ashamed that Singapore has bred such ill-mannered kids who refuse to put others before themselves. If I saw someone in a knee brace I, too, would stand up to offer my seat.

I don't get it. The two who 'fought' for the seats with me were both healthy males. I understand the whole it's-a-long-ride-I-need-to-sit thing going on with all Singaporean commuters but honestly would it kill you to not fight with a girl?

They were both from the same university too so in my head I was like, okay well done way to go woohoo! in this 100%, totally sarcastic way.


Not that I'm trying to make it seem like I'm a female who feels that males should be submissives and bow down to females. I honestly feel that gender stereotypes shouldn't be strong because well, why label a girl a tomboy just cuz she loves blue and hates pink? Who says a girl MUST like pink and girly stuff?

(This comes from experience as a girl who loved blue as a kid but I've now succumbed and fell in love with all variating shades of red which includes pink)

Ugh okay enough of ranting Gwen.

This initially started off as a post about how I spent my 20th birthday which was on the 8th of April, but look where I totally digressed to hur hur.

Time to write another (happy) post about my 20th birthday.

Home

Gooooooooooooood evening!

Once again, I've got a meeting at 12.30pm for CASS Freshmen Orientation Camp (FOC) and I'm still up at 6.01am.

(Obviously courting death.)

But hi!

Today I realised a few things. I need:

1. to learn Illustrator (since I'm considering trying for internship at a design firm. Advertising agencies may not be my thing after all)
2. to take my keyboard out of the cupboard cuz I miss playing the piano. I taught myself how to play it since my parents refused to give me piano lessons since I was 7 and I really should continue.
3. to start using the Windows component of my Mac since all games that are good don't seem Mac-compatible. I got a free Dota 2 game key from someone for Steam and Dota 2 isn't Mac-compatible OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. L4D2 is gone from my Steam library too ugh why?!

Really frustrated with how I can't game on my Mac when I finally have the time to play.

Anyways the past few weeks have been hell.

Home has been an absolute hell hole, and it really isn't the same without Dad. I'm not sure how long more we will hold up until we finally break. Drama happens every single day and it's sickening that I dread coming home and yet, at the same time, I dread leaving home.

It's as if I took the role of my dad, which kinda sucks if you think about it. I've become the person that whines at and watches over my lil' bro and my mom; the pillar.

I'm crying every day, and so is my mom. Sick sick sick sick sick of this, really. I can't stand watching her get her heart broken every other day because of something major that began with something so terribly minor.

It just isn't worth it.

I have to be strong but how much longer can the strong stand tall?

Dad, I really miss you.

WTF

You're such a loser.

Who are you to spoil my day over and over again?

Your scores are so low and you're not even afraid. You don't even try.

I've always had a weak spot when it comes to you, but I've lost faith and my trust in you. You broke my heart over and over again. Who are you to do that to me? Who are you to make me cry more than anyone else has the past few months? Who are you to make me break down? Who the f**k are you?

I've always tried my best to protect you as the older sibling. But after what you did today, you're on your own. Thank you for being freaking amazing.

Don't you worry, don't you worry child.

Family

So my dad's finally in Brunei.

Extended family brought my mom and I for a huge dinner. Ate the most amazing crab I've ever had in my life, and my aunt packed the leftovers for me (two HUGE claws ermigawd) because she knew I loved crab but haven't had it for years.

As my dad would say, "Gwen, this is family."

Which was what he told me when my extended family came over for mahjong and dinner together as a farewell for him.

First day home without Dad felt really weird.

Too bad I couldn't have dinner with my mom (who has dinner at AMK Hub with my dad every single day without fail) because I'll be having it with Rei and Elie as our way of sending Rei off to Aussie.

Spent the day packing my room and failing – as usual – because after I cleared up one side I stopped to have lunch. That led to me watching videos on YouTube AND watching Breaking Dawn Part 2, which was really awesome in my opinion except for the cheesy oh-it's-our-final-movie-let's-put-the-whole-cast-from-movie-one-to-the-last-movie-at-the-ending-credits ending.

Back to packing before getting ready to go out.

Ciaoooo

Goodbyes

G'evening folks.

With so much on my mind right now, I find it particularly hard to sleep tonight.

For one, my dad's leaving on a morning flight in 7 hours to Brunei to work. He'll only be back for good in 2-4 years.. depending on his contract.

Even though I've mentally prepared myself since months ago when he announced that he was gonna go for the job interview, it still hits hard especially when I'm a few hours away from saying things like "See you when I see you!", which I sometimes say when sending off friends who are taking on the next chapter of life overseas – something I'd like to do.

The good news is that he'll prolly come home more often in the first year, so the next time I see him will be in June/July.

I've come to realise that I'll miss him a lot, even though I don't – and won't – ever show it. I'm not a daddy's girl (even if Becca claims that she thinks I secretly am), but my dad still holds a special spot in my heart despite how harsh or unfatherly (before you go oh Gwen you're a horrible daughter to say your father is.. unfatherly! etc., no I don't mean it that way. Dude c'mon I love my family) I sometimes claim he is.

For the most part, I'm worried about how his absence would affect my mom and lil' bro. Gerald's going through his "O" Level year, and my mom's stressed like cray over it because.. well.. my mom stresses over everything. She wouldn't be Mrs Neo if she didn't.

I think I'd cope pretty well.

Also, one of my closest friends Shirei.. the FIRST EVER person I spoke to in Mayflower Sec would be leaving this coming Monday.

Sometimes life amazes you in little ways such as this. I never expected myself to end up being close friends with Shirei even though we were classmates in sec 1 and 2, and suddenly she's leaving too with a slight probability of not coming back ever.

While the people I expected to be godmothers/fathers of my future kids (who will be cute with chubby, rosy cheeks and obvious dimples that don't locate themselves where people don't see them unlike mine) are people who I don't talk to now. It's sad, really. Sometimes I can't help but think of them and miss them........................

..OK I'm sorry I digressed.

Two people to say bye to in two days.

Just gonna pray for their safety and to hope to achieve some sort of bravery so that one day I would be the one people are sending off because I was ballsy enough to do what I wanted to do and what I set out to achieve overseas, not in Singapore.

Whatever. Right now I feel like going for a drink at Clarke Quay or something.

3 hours left before I need to get my ass up to the airport.. I REALLY need to catch up on my sleep.

p.s. I dug out the beanie I bought at Genting!

For those who don't know – I love wearing beanies because I believe it's the only headgear I don't look stupid or silly in, and I always buy them when I see nice ones but how am I supposed to wear them in Singapore's weather without dying of heat ugh bye!

Hm..

So here I am.

I can't believe that I've decided to stay awake the night before my Law exam to mug because I have 3 topics left to cover.

I have been sick the past couple of days and it really affected my ability to study. I couldn't focus, couldn't remember things, always felt sleepy cuz of my medication.. kept coughing till my head hurt and throat went raw. Took 2 days just to cover one chapter. Worst. Feeling. EVER.

Shinhwa's here to accompany me for the night..

Yeah don't bother asking. I am craaaazy over Shinhwa now and the last time I fangirled over any Kpop group was back in 2009?

But Shinhwa's legit. 30+ year olds who are pretty hot.. reminds me of my other 30+ year olds in Japan – Arashi. Meeheeheeeeeee.

There, it's the little things like these make me happy(er).

Had a good night drinking at Clarke Quay despite my cough.

Dad was all, "Eh you're coughing ah. No alcohol!"
Me: "Yes daddy.."

And I ended up drinking anyways thanks to people who don't care if they get a cough from me. Pfft horrible.

Was supposed to head to Zirca cuz it was the last night but in the end I heard the crowd was crazy and people who went in couldn't even get around the place properly. Plus a fight broke out involving ambulances and a police raid so yeah.. happy last night Zirca! *sarcasm intended*

Yeah.. guess I had a good night with the girlies and the guys.

Can't wait to be done with Media Law tomorrow and I can finally partaye.. by eating good food with my girlies tomorrow.

Even the Shinhwa song I'm listening to now (Run) goes "OH EH OH, LET'S PARTY!"

I refuse to tell myself that next year I prolly won't ever get to work with them for project work or even see them in class often due to our practicums.. we all put different choices and all I can say is that I'll really miss them. They make me look forward to school, put a smile on my face.. everything. I may have officially known them well since last year since we were all working in different groups in Year 1, but I've never felt more blessed in my life to have a group of 3 girls like them.

Thank you for coming into my life, my girls (well we have no boys in our group and is the only all-girl group in our class heh) of The Legency :')


One last note.

I'm really thankful things got cleared up, all my doubts and all – gone.

We had a good breakfast too and for once it felt a bit more like the old times.. times that I've really missed thanks to my stupidity and awfully bitter perspective to life.

It's been 2 years, but I still am trying to change.

Then again, it's better to try no matter what than to stop trying at all.

And I promise you and myself that I won't lose my passion for dance. I won't give it up for friends, for anything. It's what I love to do, I don't do it cuz I have to do it but cuz I love it.. it's a part of me. So yeah.

During my study break I was dancing and all, trying to recall Khai and Val's Waves 16 item (which till now is still my favourite item out of all the Waves items I've been in). And I watched dance videos again to realise that I still get excited over dance. Like that adrenaline rush.

I need to have a little more faith in myself.

Scumbags of Society

I really hate being in such a situation.

How do you help someone when he has suicidal thoughts and feels he's depressed? Just because he's being bullied in school by bastards who really do not deserve to have friends even.

People who outcast him because they feel he's different or not worthy of their time?

They then proceed to go about spreading rumours of him and as a result effectively getting everyone to outcast him in school and in his CCA? That's bloody f*cked up.

Such people are effed up and not needed in society. Honestly, how would they feel if someone did the exact same thing to them? Put your bloody selves in the shoes of others before you do the shit you do because seriously it would hurt if someone did the same thing to you, wouldn't it?

So why would you do it to others if it does not benefit them?

What's so good about ganging up on one defenseless person who has no one to fight for him? Does it make you feel better bitching about him behind his back? Or does it make you feel better that you're bullying him in the open and making him seem like an asshole when he really isn't?

I'm taking advantage of the fact that (I hope) people don't read my blog now so yeah. Just need a venting outlet because this matter is driving me crazy. I can't seem to stop crying when I think of the situation he's in because I've been through that and honestly no one deserves to be treated like that, especially during his "O" Level period.

It breaks my heart, really.

You're only 16, you can get through this. I'm sure you will. Chin up!

I need my parents around so much more. I cannot handle this on my own. They're telling me, "You've been through it. How you overcame it.. just share it with him?"

Bullshit. Different people handle different things differently.

Is a game really more important than spending time with your children who are both going through a really hard time? You're absent all the time.. expecting us to be independent and to fend for ourselves.

What if we don't want to grow up? What if home is the only place we come back to just so that we can escape the reality of life, because we feel protected in the one place we can be ourselves in? Yet you aren't there to be there for us..

:(

Sigh.. okay enough of all the depressing things.

As mentioned in the previous post, everyone should go watch Shinhwa Broadcast - or Shinbang, after combining Shinhwa + bangsong (the Korean title of the variety show) together.

I started listening to their songs today on YouTube and was hooked. I haven't listened to K-Pop ever since my cray cray fangirling days of 2PM.. but that's all behind me now.

It's just Shinhwa. C'mon, they've been together for about 14 years or so? and are still going strong. They all served their equivalent of National Service (for us Singaporeans), got released and set up their own company called Shinhwa Company.

You gotta give them credits for that.

I went 'thrifting' with Steffi after our final presentation as a class, and we went to Cash Converters in search of a 'new' second-hand Wii game for me..

Only to get lost in the VCD/DVD section of the store, digging for lost treasures.

I found 《西街少年》– the whole boxset – going at $3, and we went crazy when we saw JunJin's face on a DVD cover for Let's Go to the Beach.

We never thought we'd find anything Shinhwa at such a store because all they sold were old but more popular shows there. And Shinhwa is pretty much unknown to the average Singaporean.

We thought wrong.

As we were glancing through more dramas, reminiscing about how we used to watch this show or that as a kid, we saw Eric's face at the side of a DVD boxset.



OH. MAI. GAD.

Okay enough about that.. just go listen to one of their older songs from their 9th album.

Reflecting

Been a while since I last blogged here, so hi to anyone who still bothers to pop by.

Basically, life hasn't been good.

But you know what?

If people don't want you in their lives, why do you need them?

I can most certainly live without people who don't care about me, or people who would rather bitch behind my back instead of telling me I have a problem. Like they say, the ones worth keeping are the ones who stay by you when you are at your worst.

Focused a lot on DMC rather than SDZ and with so much free time, I've been reflecting quite a bit. I'll admit that I wasn't the nicest person on Earth, nor do I think twice about others before I speak. It became such a bad habit that it ticked off a lot of people who were close to me.

Been trying to change really hard, but habits don't die overnight. I still slip into that same old horrendous attitude that I really hate pretty often.

When I was reflecting on my actions though, I started to realise that I was so unhappy in dance that my attitude became like that because I was so unhappy.

I wanted to pour all the unhappiness inside me unto the people around me because I was that sour a fella. It couldn't find an outlet so it reared its mighty fugly head in the form of sarcasm and brutal honesty.

Before entering poly, I was genuinely happy. During my gap year, all I did was have tuition, study, play LAN with the bros and girls, work and basically while the days away. I was so happy and contented with life and I treated the people around me really well too. That was also when I looked my healthiest even though I wasn't eating properly.

Then came school. I was happy at the start, but then the stress and problems wore me thin.

I look horrible now. I look tired, period. Plus my attitude to my friends and family have never been worse. I'm perpetually angry and upset, and I think my groupmates are honestly the only people who make me feel more at home than anything.

With them I am myself. I've never felt the stress to be someone I am not, and I don't feel the urge to be angry or annoyed. I am so goofy that if they caught my silliness and stupidity on film I would probably be hired to be a comedian or a paid joker.

I've lost a lot of friends with this shitty attitude of mine, but then again it goes to show who will stay with you at your worst and who would leave you because they can't stand you. It's God's will, I tell myself. He's preparing me for the freedom I'll eventually feel.. not now, but eventually. When the time comes, I'll be enjoying it with the people who matter most too.

It depresses me a lot to lose so many people I once thought I was close to, but then again I've been finding solace in the people who know me best, through the good times and the bad -- my secondary school friends.

Went to Mrs Sidhu's place for CNY like we do every year and I'm glad to say the sailors have not changed one bit - well, except for the fact that the guys are now all either buffer OR bald!

We talked about army, fitness, sailing, running, diet, our secondary school days spent sailing and nonsense all day long.

What else to say other than I honestly laughed the most sincere, honest and hearty laugh I've laughed in the longest time? It feels good to be home. I was so excited I literally ran to Mrs Sidhu's place when I was at Sembawang. :')


I'm gonna be seeing them again soon, which is good. Second round of gathering, here we come!

YP threatens us with a marathon though because the next time majority of us will be free is prolly in the month of March, and there's a 21km marathon then.

Till then, brothers.

p.s. A thousand times happier in the two photos from year 1.

p.p.s. SHINHWA BROADCAST. EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH SHINHWA BROADCAST BECAUSE ALL THE MEMBERS OF SHINHWA ARE TOO PRECIOUS. ESPECIALLY ERIC.

The Diary of an Insomniac

G'evening folks.

It's currently 4:25am and I'm finding it extremely hard to fall asleep even though I've successfully managed to switch my body clock back to the point where I'd start getting sleepy by 11pm.

I guess it's also because my right eye hurts quite bad now.

Not a 10/10 kind of pain, more like the pain that annoys you and I'm tearing nonstop because of the pain in my eye. It's as if something's pressing down on it and I can't afford to miss a whole day tomorrow really (but at this rate I see myself missing the only morning class we have) because 

1) my group has CA consultation at 12:30pm

2) Poly 50 and I'm running for CASS Club

I'm feeling really insecure about my weight.

I've gotten comments saying I look like I've lost weight? Which might be true because I am eating clean now and I train whenever I feel up to it.

Of course I still indulge and the past two weeks have been cheat weeks. Totally binged throughout and gave in to my cravings!

Oh wait, did you hear that? Yeah, that's my effort going down the damned drain.

Gwen, it's time to be more disciplined!

Body's not on my side now. Its repeatedly screaming "REST! REST! I NEED REST!"

Sorry body, I would love to treat you to some TLC because it's after Waves.. but right now I have so much to catch up on and I can't afford to rest even though I would love to.

Time to try getting some shut eye before TA consultation later on.

Laters, baby.

xx

Waves 17

...... is over. 
A huge thank you to my friends and family that came down to watch the production - I hope it wasn't a letdown!

Out of the two Waves I've been a part of, this was definitely the most trying and tiring. Well I guess I can't say for sure because I've only been a part of two Waves production and not more? But I can dare say I'll never struggle this hard again for other events I'll be a part of.

Broke down so many times, lost myself in the process.

I fought an internal war with myself. All everyone saw were smiles and joy slapped over my face but I died inside with each and every practice, every rehearsal. I isolated myself, made myself more lonely, becoming this person I am totally the opposite of. I was depressed everyday, and nothing I did could make me feel better about myself or my situation.

I hated myself for being this weak.

But I'm thankful I have good friends that brought me back - or rather, slapped me back (not literally) - to reality.

Just in time, too. I worked my ass off for the shirt and the booklet, even though I'd say 90% of the work was all Geisel. She stayed strong when her pub partner crumbled, so thank you. No one else but her saw the struggle I went through but she stuck by me through it all.

A huge thank you to my fellow main comm members, whom I can never thank enough for being such an awesome committee.

I am thankful to be in this batch, this committee.

x

Anything could happen, anything could happen..

Ellie Goulding LIVE in Singapore!!!!!!!!!!!!

The day I've been waiting for is finally here - ELLIE GOULDING IS COMING TO SINGAPORE!

3 years.. and my wish is finally coming true. So excited! Can't wait seriously. I honestly feel like I'm about to cry as I type this and I can imagine myself doing the same when I actually get to see her LIVE in person.

I wouldn't even mind paying extra to see her backstage or something if they have VIP passes and all.

Help I think I'm gonna faint from excitement hahaha oh my.