Life

"I don't want your brother to ever follow in your footsteps."

"Who said you could cry?"

//

Imagine these words being the deepest, most memorable words you've heard from your parents.

Growing up, my idea of home was one that was warm, loving, open, and more importantly, a safe space.

The home I grew up in was none of the above.

Home, to me, was somewhere I had to hide in order to feel like myself. It was the place my extroverted self felt the most alone; the place where I felt the only safe space was within the confines of my bedroom (in my parents' eyes, I grew up giving them attitude by going into my room and slamming the doors), nothing more, nothing less.

THAT was home.

I often felt unloved, judged, and my memories from time spent with my parents were.. never pleasant. If you were to ask me now what happy memories I have with my parents, I would say none come to mind. Absolutely nothing.

As a kid (and okay, as an adult), I hated Sundays.

That was when my mom did the household chores with our then-helper. Every Sunday was a living hell for me as my mom seemingly flared up at anything and everything. 

Sees mess on the floor my brother made? Turns around and screams at me.

Sees me sitting on the sofa? Screams at me.

Sees groceries left around in an untidy, unsightly manner by my helper? Screams at helper THEN screams at me.

Nothing I did on Sunday seemed to be right to my mom. I remember trying to help with the chores, I desperately wanted to make my mom happy and to please her.. and then... I got scolded for not doing it right, with my mom muttering under her breath something along the lines of, "Aiya what's the point of you helping me. End up you help I got to do more, might as well I do myself la."

Mom... I can hear you.

No thank you, no I love you, no "Thank you for doing it but there's a better way to do it, let mommy show you." just scolding. Scolding. More scolding. I tried, I tried to do it better the next round. But it was still never good enough for her. Never. I never felt like I was the daughter she wanted, but the daughter she had to tolerate and deal with cuz she gave birth to me. Like she wanted a different daughter but got this stupid girl instead.

However, if my brother took part in helping out around the home, he would get praised. "Aiyo my darling son, thank you for helping me wash the plates!" (I kid you not, she said that word-for-word, right infront of me)

When I tried to step up and put my feelings aside and did it myself? "Eh later the pot you wash ah. This one also wash. Then wash already don't put like that, must put like that."

Therefore I grew up hating household chores. Not because I was lazy like my parents liked to claim and think (because it seems they never viewed me in a good light anyways), but because I grew up with the memory of feeling that if I did it, I would do it wrongly and get scolded anyways, and therefore get more hate for doing it and I really, REALLY just wanted them to show me they loved me so I would rather not do it and not "get hated on" more by them, and if anything, my brother always did a stellar job - might as well let him do it all.

..ya, I abhorred Sundays. And chores.

//

Fast forward to when I was taking my "O" Levels in sec 4.

I failed E-math and therefore failed everything. I couldn't go anywhere except ITE.. obviously that sucked. I went back into a state of depression, and felt that I was an even bigger letdown to my parents considering the fact they always told me about how well my cousins were doing. A lot of times I felt like I was better off dead, because my parents already hated me and now had to deal with the fact that their daughter was a failure. I was a daughter to hate, not to love.

But after the initial shock, I took it in my stride and made the decision to be home schooled with the subject I failed, and the subjects I felt I could do better in in order to bring up my overall grade. My dad often reminded me about how much he was paying for my ONE failed grade. How expensive it was for me to be home schooled.

Then I wondered why I even did this at all. Why I even tried, if all I was gonna face was more hate from my dad.

That "gap" year, I worked part time whenever I could at this toy shop my dad worked at thinking that if I made my own money to spend, I wouldn't need to ask my parents for money for things I wanted to get and therefore, would ease the burden of the cost of them having to deal with me "failing". I remember thinking we were broke or in debt because of me, and asking my mom that. For the job, I remember waking up at 6 in the morning for the early shift being the shittiest thing I ever did, but I did it anyways as I was happy and excited to work alongside my dad. More conversations! Just father-daughter time! More time to catch up with my dad and hopefully get closer to him. Naive little Gwen thought this experience brought her and her dad closer, which was something she always longed for.

Womp womp... all that changed when some mornings he would vent his anger on me in a sleepy stupor. One day, when we were on the way home, we were chatting in the car about my brother's studies. He was bullied in school and this caused his results to tank and we were worried as heck, as this was also the time where he went thru puberty and seemed to hate the shit out of his family that meant well (hahaha he'll kill me if he ever reads this, but I love you bro).

"I don't want your brother to ever follow in your footsteps."

My heart fell.

What.. did I.. just hear?

It took me a while to realise - no, you didn't hear it wrongly Gwen. Your dad.. actually said that.

Shock.

Disbelief.

I would be lying if I said these words didn't cut deep, as I started tearing up uncontrollably. Lucky for me, being seated at the back of the car meant having this orange LianheZaobao pillow with me and I used it to hide my face, pretending that I fell asleep like that.

In that moment, the father I looked up and looked to for love, acceptance and protection, just made me feel like I was the biggest failure ever. And mentally I thought, "I have to now ensure my brother does not become a failure like me, because it would be my fault if my brother looked to me and felt he could be like his sister and fail."

Years later, when my mom called my dad (who was working overseas in Brunei later on) in a fit of anger as we were having - yet another - heated argument, I confronted my dad about this and - get this - he forgot he ever said something like that. The phrase that haunted me for a while as my brother's studies tanked (he eventually failed his "O" Levels as well, after me monitoring him while my dad was overseas, taking the role of the "father" because my mom was seemingly sad and heartbroken half the time - many nights she could be heard sobbing loudly, alone in her room, and I took it upon myself to make sure my brother did not follow in my footsteps because I did not want him to break my mom's heart further), the phrase that struck and cut me extremely deeply.. Did my dad honestly just admit he had no recollection of it... at all?

Shock.

Disbelief.

//

Fast forward to more recent times.

/ Memories of my dad pushing me out of the photo as he and my mom wanted a photo with my brother infront of the fire engine at his Passing Out Parade (POP). Me advising them on the way home about needing to exercise more as they barely exercised anymore and I worried about their health (my grandma's health dropped drastically following a fall, that scarred me tremendously. Then a year or so ago my mom would tell me about how she felt dizzy after trekking. I got scared and talked to many people - doctors, my friends etc who know more about health stuff) - they're not getting any younger - and my parents finding it extremely funny when my dad made a snide remark by telling me I talked too much, causing me to immediately shut up and hold back tears on what felt like the looooooooooongest train ride of my life, from the West where my brother's POP was, to AMK where I stayed.

/ My dad laughing at me and refusing to listen to what my brother and I had to say - as sufferers of eczema - ABOUT eczema at a family brunch. I get mad and walk ahead as we headed home. Dad asks my brother if I'm pissed, brother says yes.

When they got home, dad goes: "You throw this kind of tantrum for what?!" in Chinese.

/ Dad fighting with me over a packet of potato chips, yelling at me so loudly and sternly as if I deserved hell over telling him not to finish my snacks without telling me.

/ My mom fighting with me as I confronted her about her biasedness towards my brother, escalating it so badly that she started slapping me uncontrollably, non-stop. When I put my hands up to defend my face, she started scratching me, aiming for my face.

Thank God I'm quite fit for a girl; my arms could save my face from her claws.. hur.

Then my dad rushing home as my mom called him in tears, and singling me out as the troublemaker. Telling me I needed to stop causing problems for them.

Anger.

Confusion.

Disbelief, yet again.

Packs bags infront of parents as they refused to communicate with me like an adult; ironic.

"Why are you overreacting like that?"

"Why must you pack your things and leave? You can't even talk to us like an adult. Can you stop being so over-dramatic?"

Stares at my arms of scratches.

Packs anyways.

//

Fast forward to now.

Here I am, typing this on the fancy Razer keyboard I bought to put in my boyfriend's home - a purchase I do NOT regret one bit.

The reason why I'm typing all these out is because I needed a reason to remind myself this:

It's ABSOLUTELY OKAY to cut off toxic family in order to protect yourself.

Something I never felt I could do growing up, as being Asian, I felt I needed to be the kid my parents wanted me to be (but I obviously could never be). I felt as though I needed to give back to my parents for raising me for the past 27 years.

"The suan ming shi told us that you would treat your friends better than you treat your own family. See la see la, he was right."

Growing up, I had that line used against me one too many times from my dad. 

My favourite instance of this was him using it against me when he dropped me off in sec 1 for my camp as he watched my classmates warmly welcome me from his car when he dropped me off. Not sure what I did so wrong then..?

And here's the thing: family can always be chosen family.

I have many families outside of my biological ones - CP's family, who treats me with more warmth and love than I've felt; his mom who comforts me and shows me love; my childhood bestfriends, who grew up with me and saw me through thick and thin, and spent time outside with me when I dreaded going home.

My dance and DMC family, also another group of friends who watched me grow.

And now, my parkour family. Family that support me regardless, and are full of warmth and encouragement. Some of them (you know who you are) are my safe space, and I am extremely thankful for that.

(and more, of course)

Gwen, it is absolutely okay for you to choose who family is and what family means to you.

It's not like you asked to be born anyways lol. But now that you're here - and have been here for 27 years, you deserve to live a life full of love and laughter; a life where you can be yourself without being judged; a life where you can have many safe spaces.

In this moment, I've officially been living in CP's home, away from my own, for a little over a month.

Other than that, my parents haven't tried contacting me, and my brother says not once have they asked about me. Womp womp...

Guess that's that, then. Growing up, I always was a people pleaser and I identified that it's because I always felt I had to please people - such as my parents - in order to be loved, appreciated and accepted. Now I realise that... that is far from the truth.

Now I'm realising and reaffirming that I can cut off toxic people in my life in order to protect myself and more importantly, to heal and to learn that I can love and be loved.

And that I shall do.

In the meantime, thanks CP and family for loving and protecting me and showering me with all the love you can give. Mega appreciative <3

1 Year

I'll give myself one year, just one year.

Freelancing hasn't been the easiest shit to deal with (can all the freelancers hollaaaa). The stressors are REAL. When I first decided I'd give freelance video production and content creation a go, I mentally prepped myself for the worst but hoooooly shit, this really takes it to the next level.

Breaking down on a daily basis seems to be the norm now; nights are spent wondering if I'm doing the right thing and SHOULD I GO BACK TO A FULL-TIME JOB? Be DESK-BOUND? Go to an OFFICE EVERY SINGLE DAY even when work could be done at home?

I dunno man, not putting full-time work down but damn, this freedom I'm enjoying from freelance work is pretty sweet. I have lots of time to do what I want, I have time to shoot and edit my own YouTube content etc etc the list goes on and on! However, the reality of it all is that finding jobs really boils down to your network and sometimes – I hate to admit this – luck. Apart from that, while I'm enjoying the process of honing my skills thru working on my own or with a teeny tiny team at most, the self-doubt can be pretty real. Sometimes those voices telling me YOU CAN'T DO IT! seems to soooo damn loud I can't hear my own voice. Before I tell a potential client what I feel my work is worth, the voice inside me screams "GURL YOU GOT SO LITTLE EXPERIENCE AND YOUR SHOOTING SKILLS ARE MEDIOCRE AT MOST, AND HELL YEAH YOUR GEAR SUCKS! Yet you wanna charge THAT PRICE HOHO girl you got some au-da-ci-ty!" and then I fall into this trap of self loathe and sadness that takes me a while to get out of (ice-cream helps).

It's just sad that this is the reality of it all. Suffer and die a little bit every day on the inside, in hopes that I eventually make it out of this freelance hell alive with the moolahs.

But then again, that's life isn't it? With each day we countdown a little more to our deaths, but we hope that we make the most out of our days here on Earth, making it out of this hell hole called 'Life' with some meaningful shit we can take away.

And this is how I’ll say Goodbye

Dear Uncle Robert,

How're you? It's been a while since we last spoke.

My heart's still heavy even as I write this, but as they say, "time will heal the pain".

How're things up there? I hope the scenery that greets you is beautiful, to say the least, and that the people there are as amazing and genuine as you are. I sometimes look up, wondering which cloud you're staying on. When my grandparents left me, I wondered which star they bought a house on. Hope you're having a great time up there because after fighting hard for so long, it's high time you deserve a good rest.

Things here have been great, if you're wondering. Ever since the day you left us, I still spend my days wondering about how you are; wondering if you're looking down on me and protecting me from above, scolding me when I make bad choices. Sometimes I speak to you, hoping you'd get my message up there.

I was looking back at my Whatsapp chat log with you. 2 years ago I texted you about my badly sprained ankle. I was out of dance for 4-5 months because of it and at the later stages I really needed it to heal faster. Bird recommended me to you, saying you were a fantastic TCM person and that a lot of dancers go to you for injuries. "Okay, this uncle must be good," I thought. "What do I stand to lose, apart from the 1.5hrs of traveling time from my place to Jurong East?"

I still remember being quite late as I underestimated how long I'd take to limp there (it was a short while since I got off crutches, walking was still a chore to me. Apologetic, I sent you messages to say how sorry I was. You welcomed me anyways, telling me not to worry.

You always looked out for me. I went by regularly because my ankles kept giving me problems. You were so awesome, telling me how I could return within 3 days if I still felt it was problematic so that you could check up on me, and you would tui me for free. You always told me how you only charged dancers/students/athletes $30 per session because it was expensive enough to be in our field. Dance was a huge hobby of mine, and a lot of my money went to it. Most people would think it's stupid to commit this much to something considered a passion/hobby which gives you no monetary gains in return.. but you encouraged me to be my best self, and to do my best, which I appreciated so much. No one out there really gives us such good treatment, and infact I would consider you the only person who truly, truly looked out for dancers out there. So, thank you for giving the dance community this bit of support.

I know you're gonna worry about me a lot while you're gone. You always had such nice things to say about me.. not a negative thing would leave your mouth if you were talking about me. Oh okay, except the last time I saw you that day after a session, and you complained about how I don't reply my messages or check my phone and that your texts always goes unread. You always said that I was too nice and that people would step over me if they don't already do so. You taught me how to let go of those people and to harden myself up without losing the essence of who I truly am, and I'll keep those teachings in mind so don't worry about me too much, okay? Zack and CP will always look out for my softie self.

Speaking of CP, thank you for somewhat bringing us together. You always wanted me to get off the shelf and Zack always told me how during every session you would talk about me, and how you would go to the friends that Zack introduced to you and talk about me and how I was a great girl. Well now I'm happily off the shelf! I still remember how CP and I wanted to break the news of us being together to you, but you already found out and you didn't wanna tell me who sent you that screenshot from my private IG account!!!! Thinking back.. now I'll never be able to find out who told you about us, it'll literally be a secret you took to your grave. Hur hur hur. I wonder how you'd react if I told you this joke. Prolly roll your eyes at me a little but entertain me as you usually do when I try to crack a cold joke. But yeah, please rest assured knowing that your greatest worry regarding me was getting someone who would take good care of me and make sure I don't get bullied, and I can tell you I'm in very good hands. He's the most loving and caring person out there, and he gives in to me (and my occasional tantrums hehe). I'll also be sure to take care of him and support him to the best of my abilities! Please make sure he doesn't bully me okay? If he does, I'll tell you. #telltale

Things here will always be good albeit some bad days, and on those bad days I'll look to you to rant like I occasionally do when I see you, so please hear me out okay! It's gonna be so different not receiving any replies when I rant, but I'll still talk to you regardless.

Once again, I'm so sorry I never got to bring you to that nice lunch/dinner. That's the one thing I will always, always regret. Please wait for me up there, when my time's up we'll have a nice, hearty steamboat session together okay!

I'll miss our talks over the tuina sessions about evil people out there, about the people whom you treated so right but took advantage of that niceness. Looking back, I feel horrible cuz sometimes I wish I didn't have to talk cuz my Chinese sucked so bad and it was hard for me to form a good sentence in Chinese to reply to you, but I tried anyways and you understood/sometimes made fun of my shitty Chinese hahaha.

My heart broke so bad when I saw you lying in there, but I'd like to keep in mind what your wife told us, that you were too nice so you got called to the Lord first because he needed you more. And she's right, you're needed up there more than you are here.

Thank you for always teaching me how to look at things with a positive heart and mindset, thank you for removing the negatives when I do think about it and share it with you. Thank you for all the kindness and love you shared with me. While I'll always remember how excruciatingly painful your tuina sessions were, I'll also remember the kind soul that was you, Uncle Robert.

And this, this is how I'll say goodbye.

Thank you, Uncle Robert. I love you.

Thoughts

Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream.

2016 has been a rollercoaster for me thus far.

Love came and went but I'm glad that it happened because through this I learnt a lot about myself and frankly speaking, every relationship is an experience regardless of how good/bad it was. The thing is to remember the lessons it taught you so that you can be a better person for the next person you're with.

As we grow older we realise that people come into our lives for a reason. Then they leave once that reason is fulfilled, and we become strangers again.

All this was just another great experience for me to learn and grow from, and for all that it's worth, I'm glad it happened, and though it's bittersweet, I'm glad it ended as well.

One day all this would be something I would look back and have a hearty laugh at – at myself for being so melodramatic, for being infinitely childish at the moments I couldn't control; at the whole situation for being so stupid. At least I knew I tried my best – I have no more regrets.

For a while I closed up, but then it occurred to me that that's the wrong mindset: This situation won't change me. I won't allow myself to distrust the people around me, I refuse to build walls around my heart.. simply because that isn't who I am, and it'll never be who I become. This event won't shape me in that way. I've always been known to be a happy-go-lucky girl, and I'm glad people still recognize that in me now that I've recovered a great deal.

While I don't feel anything anymore.. If there'll ever be a day we can cross paths again, I hope we can be earnest friends, because I always find it a pity to lose someone whom once knew you inside out and vice versa.

In the meantime, I'm thankful for the constants in my life, and my new constants (hello Water Tribe!). I'll continue working at being the best for these friends and family who chose to stay in my life, working at making many more happy core memories with the people who matter.

Life is what you make out of it, and I will go out there to make this a great one.

Thanks for the memories, for all the laughter and silly moments that I hopefully won't forget.

Till next time, butthead. :)

Happy 1st Year, Butthead

Hi! It's been a while since I last blogged.

I'm finally done with my first production with SIM Dreamwerkz!

It was a really tiring journey and I always think that people who don't dance (or do so as seriously and passionately as we do) would never understand how we feel and what we go through. But I came out of it a stronger person and dancer, both mentally and physically.

My body's really tired now though and honestly speaking I've not had any time at all to recover from the fatigue and lack of rest.. generally the shit I put my body through on this journey. I'm still super tired from it all and I yearn to get a day off to just chill alone and not dance/go for meetings etc.

My butthead came down to support me on day 1, and we went for drive-thru Macs before he sent me home. On day 2 he picked me up after the show to sleepover so that he could send me to work the next morning. Hehe so blessed! What would I do without this guy who supports me in everything I do? Thanks for all the love :)

All this talk about him brings me to.....

...our first year celebration!

We didn't do much, just spent the morning grocery shopping before staying in the kitchen for like 3hrs sweating it out while cooking (mainly him, I just made the quinoa salad whoops).

We made pasta with prawns and chicken breast topped with olive oil and herb seasoning, salted egg fried chicken (which was REALLY good, thank you babe! His idea because I love anything salted egg), and then I made the quinoa salad which was really great because it was light and refreshing.. great for my weak stomach which bloats with anything I consume.

Shared all the love with his mom and grandpa :)

After that we drove down to VivoCity for Jamie's Italian.

I was terribly excited when he led us towards the restaurant (he kept it a secret), but that excitement soon died down after our appetizers arrived.

We ordered the crispy stuff risotto balls..

And the crab something bruschetta.

WHICH WERE BOTH EXPENSIVE and yet didn't taste really nice. I mean c'mon that bruschetta was pathetic. One small slice of baguette sliced into 3 that cost us I think around $13? Kiiiinda ridiculous.

When the appetizers arrived, he looked at me and told me he was sure he wouldn't feel full after this meal and felt that we needed to scout for other places to get dessert or a snack afterwards.

Then our mains came..... almost 30-40mins after we were done with our appetizers.

We honestly had half a mind to just pay for the appetizers and leave. Even after informing the staff that we were done and they could fire up the mains, it still took another 20mins or so of waiting.

Worse part of it all?

They tasted horrible :(

I kid you not. His pork chop was so dry he literally sawed through the meat with his knife. It looks greasy on the outside but any foodie would know that the meat was terribly overcooked.

We asked the waiters about it, and both gave us the excuse that well we ordered a grilled pork chop, so it would most definitely be less moist. But dude, the problem here was that the meat was so overcooked it was TOUGH. I don't ever remember having grilled meat that was that tough.

The total bill chalked up to quite a huge amount too and to be honest, none of the food was worth the money we paid for it :(

Thank God for the amazing company. Tried to keep in mind that it was a huge day for us, and while we were upset with our choice of restaurant for dinner and the excuses from the waiters, we cheered up at the thought of having dessert at Max Brenner :)

Now THIS is worth every penny spent.

I would totally spend $36+ on desserts again here. SO GOOD. I'm glad we settled for this and not llaollao like we initially wanted to hehe. Definitely my new favourite dessert place for when I have the cash to splurge hahaha.

And this concluded our first year anniversary celebration before we went back to being busy with work/dance/school again. Nothing big, just a simple lunch cooked together and shared with family, followed by a simple (sigh trying to be nice here) dinner and dessert.

Thank you for the amazing day love :) I'm so blessed to have this guy right by my side. I'm not exactly an easy person to be with, and so I'm glad he's been patient with me, growing with me as a person and growing together as a couple everyday.

I'm thankful for your love every day :)

Here's to the many more years we'll spend together.

The Road to Self-Acceptance

This will always be something difficult to talk about.

Hello there, I haven't blogged in a really, really long time. But this topic popped into my mind a while ago, and I felt a particularly strong urge to pen whatever I thought of down.

As I sit here typing – cup of green tea with honey, and bowl of leftover beehoon spammed with McDonald's garlic chilli that I am literally gobbling up between words, I still feel self-conscious about myself.

Am I sitting in such a way my belly is sticking out? Ooh hugging this pillow might help that.

Ugh my face feels soooooooo fat.

Sigh I've been feeling flabby the past week. This 0.6kg weight gain before my period is really killing me.

The best part? I'm at home. I'm not somewhere where people would look at me, not somewhere where people could judge me for what I look like.

Yet I feel self-conscious.

As I heated up my leftover dinner (now supper as it's 11.55pm) first thing as I came home tired and hungry from work, I considered how in the 15-minute walk home I had to consider the "consequences" of eating dinner at such a timing even though I had fairly little over the day.

A slice of bread with half-peanut butter-half-Ovomaltine (this Ovomaltine spread is da bomb guys, please try it) for breakfast, a steamed pork bun before work, a teriyaki chicken burger from Mos Burger (not even the fries and milk tea set! I surprised myself a little there), and a few bites of a croquette from my colleage-cum-bestfriend before knocking off from work...

And now a small bowl of leftovers, coupled with my freshly brewed honey green tea.

I think I had a reasonable amount now that I've typed that all out. But throughout the day, I couldn't shake off the feeling that I've had too much. After the burger I felt horribly guilty, the "why did I eat so much?!" thoughts filling my head.

This is all unhealthy behaviour.

Guess how it all began.... again (yes this is a vicious cycle that happens to me all too often).

A comment from a co-worker saying how I looked like I gained weight from the last time she saw me, even after I've lost a bit.

Losing 12kg was a curse in disguise.

It came coupled with the fact that gaining back even a little bit of weight would make me jittery.

I would look at my thighs in disgust. What are these? Pig trotters?!!

Being prone to stomach problems does not help at all. I have to tolerate being so bloated I look a little pregnant. I have to tolerate being constipated and gassy for weeks.

Being female doesn't help either. Gaining a bit of weight 2 weeks before my period (that's what's happening now, and I feel horrible) makes me wanna hide in my room to mope around and cry the day away... but I can't. I feel FAT. I feel UGLY. I feel SLUGGISH. I feel hungry all the time and it makes me feel GUILTY.

I've been doing some reflection and I've been asking myself, why should I feel the way I do?

Just a few weeks ago, my weight went down after being high in my few months as a university student. I felt so comfortable, confident, and I felt like myself.

That one comment made me realise that after losing almost all of the 2kg that I've gained while in school and feeling the most confident I've felt in 4 months.. I'm still not society's standard of what a woman should look like.

Advertisements everywhere scream in my face how women should be a size 0, have thigh gaps and flawless skin.

I am none of that.

And the sad thing is that I'm struggling to accept that.

For the shortest time after losing 2kg, I've felt so liberated from these toxic thoughts. I'm pretty sure women everywhere know how I feel, victimised by these advertisements with skinny women with perfect skin and hair.

But I need to remind myself – and all the women out there – that we are beautiful regardless of what we look like.

We should all feel comfortable in our skin, and accept that we are who we are.

Sadly, not every female accepts herself and trusts that her body is doing what it's meant to do. It's sad that a conversation with my girlfriends has to always move on to the topic of how our thighs aren't slim, our hair's horrible, we have eyebags, we have feet manly huge feet instead of dainty small feet (this occured to me while in Korea, when a group of friends and I spotted shoes and decided to buy the same pair. I had to, however, pay almost 15,000won EXTRA for the exact same shoes because the shopkeeper said I had "namja feet" – man feet. *cries*)

I am on the road to accepting myself, amidst all the PMS and sluggishness and all. I just wasn't born to be a certain way, and I should keep reminding myself of that.

A little weight gain before my period doesn't matter, my body is doing what it's supposed to do and I'm pretty sure it'll all go away soon.

(It had better.)

So maybe, we should all start looking in the mirror and loving what we see, instead of pinching our "fatty areas". I do that every time I look at my body in the mirror, and this habit should stop.

Maybe, just maybe..

I am beautiful.

Feelings

Recently I've been in a funk of sorts.

It wasn't until this week that I started reflecting on my life, thinking about what I've been doing and where I'll go from now. I am happily in a relationship, my relationship with my family members are good.. but then I take a look at my friendships... and pause there.

Growing up I was pretty much a social butterfly. I made friends easily and had lots of close friends whom I felt at home with.

Somehow all that changed.

The whole of today was a little tiring, to say the least. Both mentally and physically.

I haven't had much sleep the whole of this week due to rushing projects and essays, and I haven't been out anywhere else except for school. Talking to Min made me realise that I only reflect on my life and the likes of it when I'm going through draining periods in my life. On top of that I've been thinking of this, which takes a toll on me because I hate it when my mind gets all.. deep. NOT THE TIME, BRAIN. (Thank you bb for listening to my 'deep' thoughts, you're the best)

They say that as you grow older, you'll start to filter out your friends.

Friends whom you've grown apart from, friends whom have changed so much that you can't trek down the same route in life anymore despite how close you once were.. it's painful to recount and even more painful to analyze what's been going on, and what I've lost.

Quality > quantity, right?

Is this what growing up encompasses? I sure hope not.

For the time being, I'm really, really happy and thankful that this butt of a boyfriend would be back in Singapore in roughly 3.5 days!

He's travelled to Switzerland and is currently in Paris now; saying I miss him is a gross understatement – I miss him A TON.

I get soooo envious of him whenever he sends me pictures of his day while we chat every night.. he looks like he's really enjoying the place! Sad to say I'm really tired of being in a city – a little breather and exploration would do me good. Machu Picchu, anyone?

It's been a bit hard tolerating the 7-hour time difference: I stay awake till late to talk to him every night, and it's pretty draining but I'm glad that in 3.5 days we won't be separated by land and sea anymore, nor will be be seeing each other over our phone and laptop screens.

This isn't the first time we've been apart for more than a week in our relationship. The last time I was in Korea with my mom for 10 days, it was hard but tolerable. For some reason this time it feels a lot harder not having him here.

Although I wish he were here physically to give me a hug, I'm really glad he's enjoying himself there. He's the sweetest though, sending me words of encouragement and all everyday as I rush projects.

We haven't been able to video call over LINE much (partially so that I can concentrate on my work and partially because he's been sharing the hotel and apartment rooms with his mom and her friends) over the past few days, so it's a little hard to bear on my end because I dislike communicating with people via text (would rather see them face-to-face), video-calling him was like, the bear minimum for me.

I miss doing stupid things like pinching his nose hurhur.

*pats self on back*

It'll all be over soon, Gwen. Hang in there. *pats self on back somemore*

For now, say hi to my crazy girlfriends from uni!

Though I've already known two of them (Pam and Arynah) for about 3-4 years, and are acquaintances with one of them (Liyen) in poly since we were classmates/coursemates in SP, it has been nice getting to know Kimbo and Liyen!

The only difference between poly and uni is that in RMIT, I don't have a small class, nor do we have tutorials. We've only had mass lectures with a "class" of about 100-odd so it's been pretty weird walking past my classmates, not knowing whether or not I should say hi.

Glad I have my girls to do stupid things with everyday, and yay to the end of this school semester! It's been a crazy tiring month, but I can't celebrate too soon as I still have one last submission due tomorrow.

Hang in there, only one more slideshow and script to write + narrate!

Can't wait for all this to be over, then I can meet all my friends again. I'm sorry y'all have to put up with me, telling me "Wah sooooo beezeee ah someone!" whenever I turn down your jios to go out.

I'LL SEE Y'ALL LOVELY PEOPLE SOON!

Letting Go

So I checked back on this space after months to see that people still bother reading my blog.

Hi guys, not sure what's so interesting but thank you all for, well.. staying interested.

A little update:
- I've started university in SIM-RMIT and am taking Professional Comms
- I took up a part-time job selling chocolate and such at Godiva Asia
- I fell in love, again.

The last part comes extremely unexpected for some I suppose.

What prompted this post was the fact that my classmate (used-to-be DMC-mate, yay to being from the same course in poly AND uni) suddenly asked me while we rushed around campus to get lunch:

"This is a stupid question, but why did you change boyfriends ah? Y'all so sweet leh, he's your childhood friend right! Both of them look the same leh, I was wondering why he change username and click to see it's someone else."

The metaphorical clockwork in my head suddenly cranked and ran double-time, and there I was, scrambling to form an answer in reply. All those articles I read on Facebook about growing up, growing apart! Not being right for each other after a while of being right! Those articles on Thought Catalog about letting go! Must. Share. Everything.......

The fact is: we grew apart, and we just weren't right for each other anymore.

Sure, he might've been the right one for me when we first got together; when we saw each other behind rose-coloured glasses. But when it all faded away and when we saw each other for who we truly were, it occurred to him that we just aren't compatible that way and we drifted.

It's sad but I've been learning to come to terms with how some people just aren't meant to be in your life forever.

Some just come and go, and once they're gone all you'll be left with are the memories.

I was scrolling through my Facebook this morning and came across something my friend wrote:

At some point of time in our lives, we all believed in happily ever after, we believed in the possibility that "forever" could exist. We wrote it on our arms, our notebooks, the tables, the walls; we had to let everybody know that we are 'best friends forever' or that 'I'll love him for always'.

But who is to say when time ends and when it begins? Who is to say what forever really means? Who is to say that anything can be eternal?

With growing older, comes the acceptance that everything, everything is transient, temporal, for the here and now. And that at any point in time, everything might change. And that's okay.

We both loved differently, and that's that.

I was initially really afraid to jump in for the ride with Tris, but extremely happy I did because right now I'm happier than I've ever been. It's hard to love someone again, to trust them with everything.

I believe someone is most vulnerable when they're in love. So how do you trust someone all over again after getting your heart crushed badly a couple of months back? How does someone become your second love?

For all that it's worth, I do trust him. I am extremely thankful and grateful to be the girl to be on the receiving end of such a warm, comforting kind of love. The kind of love that makes me grin at my phone because he's being silly, the kind of love that makes me content just being in his arms, or feeling content just seeing him for a couple of minutes. It's kinda crazy how similar both of us are. We have so many things in common and Tris really just is the best boyfriend. (I'm sure reading this would make his head grow. Bloop bloop!)

The breakup with R wasn't easy, but looking back at it now makes me really thankful I went through that, and that I learnt how to let go. It enabled me to find someone better suited for me, someone who loves me the way I always pictured I would be loved.

Whoever said letting go was bad for you?

S**t Kingz vs. GOT7

I just find it amazing how they didn't credit THE kings for the choreo. And how they conveniently ripped the song from the video itself (you can hear the cheering and all from the UDC people). I'm sorry but a few extra flips won't do anything much when you ripped off someone's choreo.

On a side note, can we talk about the perfection that is Shoji??? (From S**t Kingz, duh. He's the one with the grey snapback, black shirt and sweats.)

The way he smiles when he dances.. just makes me meeeelt so bad hehe and to be honest everyone in S**t Kingz is dope, but everytime I watch this Caught Up choreo (more than once a day), my eyes immediately go to Shoji.

I've kept this postcard for the CODE:EDGE 3 finals in 2009, all cuz there's a photo of S**t Kingz on it (they came down to perform with Parris Goebel and Aus Ninja).

Decisions, Decisions.

A tribute to my long hair. Sigh, I miss you already hairie!

So it's been a while, and yet I still can't figure what instrument I would like to pick up.

I'm keen on drums, but not having a set at home would seriously limit my practice time. Worse still if I would like to take exams on it.

It's weird to mention this now, but I still have that pair of drumsticks in my drawer (gift from D that I kept (rotting) there since sec 4). Ah, I'm surprised I didn't throw it away following the breakup then. But yeah, it'll prolly come in handy now hahaha.

I would pick up piano from where I left off in sec 2, but then I remember why I dropped it in the first place – I was too committed to Student Leaders and sailing, and didn't have the time nor the energy to practice every. Single. Day.

So I'm left with guitar, which I would love to learn again (and my mom is more keen on that) but everyone in my family who knows how to play the guitar picked it up on their own. I really don't see why I have to take lessons like I did in sec 2 for an instrument everyone can learn on their own.

And oh to digress, I checked out the lineup for #AFAID2014 and got so excited when I saw that T.M.Revolution would be there!

Since then I've been listening to his songs on repeat. Can't wait to see him in AFA Singapore 2014 (if he does come, which I'm praying praying PRAYING for). Though AFA Singapore 2014's in December, major bummer because I'll have to wait 5 months.

My 43 year-old Ojisan Revolution (in hot pants) *heart-shaped eyes*

Seeing T.M.Revolution LIVE last year really made my year, and I would die to see him again!

No but seriously, I get extremely excited when I think about seeing him again. My heart pounds so fast and so hard that I'm just like, I NEED TO WATCH AN MV NOW.

Then I watch and drool.

Okay, T.M.Revolution aside.

To digress again,  I keep freestyling recently, only to realise that I lost my vocab for hip hop. Especially my groove, which seems very forced now. My years of training my basics gone down the drain, just like that.

Now that my knees feel slightly better, I decided to slowly get back in the groove of things (hah! Ge the pun? Groove? Groove of things?? lol ok can) and push myself hard and improve fast to feel confident enough to audition for O School Recital 2014!

It has always been my ultimate dream since I first started taking dance seriously to be a part of O School Recital. I missed so many opportunities to audition, and I will always remember how sour I would feel about missing the auditions. Then again, I also remember how happy I felt for Daryl and Guohui when they both got in almost 4 years back for the popping item! Ah, time flies.

So yes,
1) Improve/work on basics again
2) Work on groove
3) Train for stronger core..... (indirectly train for abs hehe.) Core MUST gao gao!

Then hopefully when the 20th of July approaches, I can full out at auditions without my self-confidence knocking me down before I even start.

Looking at the two upcoming dance battles on Facebook, I'm wondering if I should even sign up. Sigh it's been a while since I felt so low in terms of confidence level for dance. Gone were the days I would just sign up because I knew I could do it.

Well, I can't wait for Fredy's class tomorrow night cuz it's been almost a month and a half since I attended open class due to training with SDB for our J8 competition!

Someone once told me this, "It's even harder for you dancers cuz y'all train for like what, months? For only 4 minutes or so on stage!"

That's true but when it comes to something you love and am so passionate about, it's all worth it :)

Oh, look out for my next post because I would prolly be doing another Gwen Bakes post! It's been too long!

Goodbye and goodnight... for now!

Weight Loss

One of the best feelings of all is definitely one where you walk into a shop, and when you ask the lady to gauge your shorts size, she tells you "You should be.. wearing a size S. Let me get that for you."

The best feeling? Knowing that the last time you were in said store, another salesgirl looked at you when you asked about the clothes and which ones had your size, and she basically told you that you couldn't fit most of the clothes, or that she had to get you the ones which were bigger in cutting.

(And yet you couldn't fit into those.)

Last I weighed myself, I was 0.7kg away from my goal weight (GW)!

This means I've lost a grand total of 11kg!

While I'm really excited, I tell myself not to mind the scale too much because when I stress about my weight loss (and start to ask myself why the results aren't coming), I tend to not lose weight.

Weird, huh?

Lesson learnt: Things happen when you care/stress/try to control them less.

To those who have been asking about what I've been doing, what "secrets" I have......

I'll be honest and say I have none. Cheers to honesty!


Though I've analyzed what I've been doing over the past few months and I found out some stuff:

1) I will attribute the fact that I'm not having school (hint: stress and eating when I don't need to just because my friends are eating) to my weight loss.

Bottom line: don't stuff your face if you're genuinely not hungry!

It's okay to tell your classmates/whoever you're having lunch with I'm not hungry, it's okay you guys should go ahead and get your food!

Made that mistake a lot when I first started out in my polytechnic as we had lunch breaks so often. Everyone would stuff their faces with a full meal at almost every break, and if we weren't, we'd be stuffing our faces with 'finger food' – devilishly good, deceptive, yummy stuff such as chicken nuggets, sausages, chocolate doughnuts... you know where this is going.

Problem was, I didn't stop myself from joining them because I felt bad being the only one not eating. Sometimes people would accuse me of being on a diet, and that made me feel ten times worse, leading me to cave in and to get myself a whole bowl of noodles/rice with dishes.


2) When I started out on my 4 month-long internship, my appetite dropped a lot. 

This was mainly due to the fact I was tired day in and day out, rushing projects through lunch and basically having no mood to eat while I dealt with my clients – let's just say they weren't the nicest people a video editor could deal with.

This is not to say that you should not eat even when you're stressed and have no appetite. I generally try not to force myself to consume a full meal when I understand that my body does not feel a need for it.

In such times, I get myself a cup or two of Milo, and get biscuits and sweets to fuel myself (low blood pressure problems). The moment I feel hungry, I eat.


3) I learnt how to only eat what I need.

Growing up, my family taught me that it wasn't good to leave even a grain of rice on the plate. I was to finish every morsel given to me.

That was fine for me as a kid. I was skinny, had a lot of energy and hence required more food. At a certain point of time in my life, I had 2 servings for dinner every night.

As a young adult? Not so much! Overeating is never a good thing when you've got your ass planted on the chair in the office all day long.

Your fingers don't need that much energy to type/click, trust me on that.

Ever since my internship started, I learnt how to listen to my body. If it signals that it's full, it's full. I've always had a weak stomach, so forcing myself to consume whatever was left on my plate would make me extremely bloated and sick. Which explains my big bloaty stomach in poly.


4) Eating healthy DOES NOT EQUAL TO weight loss.

I had a period where I ate so clean that eating McDonald's fries would keep me sick for the next hour. My body wasn't used to the excessive oil and salt.

Sorry to burst your bubble (extra apology to all those who eat nothing but clean), but regardless of how clean I ate, I never saw results.

Why? I was eating TOO MUCH.

Keep this in mind: "Too much of a good thing is bad."

I overloaded on the veggies, the chicken breasts.. boy did I eat like there was no tomorrow. I would then burn a little of them off by jogging/dancing, but after that I would return home only to eat again, justifying my actions by telling myself how I ran long and hard (eeps, sounds wrong), and how they were low in calories too.. technically a win-win situation.


Oh well. There we go!

If I have more pointers I'd definitely come back to post more, but it's 3:24AM now, and my brain is begging me to hit the sacks.

On a side note, so much has happened over the last week.

The one that hit me the most was when I called NTU only to hear that my appeal was never sent through on their online portal. Which annoyed the heck out of me as I clearly remembered submitting it infront of 3 other friends! System glitch maybe?

That's handled, thank God. At least I discovered it sooner than later, so I still may have a chance!

Then came decisions I had to make on my own, and I've gotten those settled too. Extremely proud of myself for stepping up and finding back the old Gwen who knew how to handle her own shit.

What can I say? When something major happens, it's as if a switch flips on in my head, snapping me back to reality, telling me over a loud hailer that no one else is responsible for my happiness and for my life but me.

I'm glad I'm taking things well and showing more maturity than I ever thought I had.

There's nothing more rewarding than to see yourself getting things (you've neglected for a while) back on track. :) finding myself again hasn't been easy, but it's amazing how once I put my mind to it, results come faster than I've ever thought was possible.

You'll Never Know

Ironic that when I feel as if I need a break, I come to my blog.

Everything's been so overwhelming recently, and I'm glad I'm taking it well.

1:49pm and I'm finally done with the cutting of our competition song – just one day before the competition. Phew! *wipes sweat off forehead*

This week's been crazy, what with training till 10.30pm every night. I wake up every morning exhausted and more sick than the night before, but also more optimistic of the competition than I was the day before. Can't believe we just finished up the whole item last night, and that we're just getting our costumes (yay to getting new boots) today! C'mon my dearest SDB girls, last lap! We can do it!

It's crazy what focusing on oneself does for the individual.

Now that I finally have some time to clear my mind and detoxify my emotions, I finally am thinking better and doing things for myself, because I want to and not because I feel the need to do it for others/to please others.

So I guess I may eventually pick up Korean (lol stopped it just after learning how to write the characters, major fail) and Japanese again, and maybe take the JLPT with Elie's guidance.

And piano.

Yes, I just need $400 to fix the broken digital piano that Elie wants to sell to me...

Hahaha it's weird but I haven't felt this independent for the longest time, and to feel this way again is absolutely amazingggg!!! I finally feel so much more in control of myself.

So much shit has happened to me over the past few days, but I'll take it all in my stride and handle it when I need to.

After all this, I really feel that I should treat myself to a nice meal with my bros, or our favourite dessert: gelatoooo. :)

I just wished I had more time to actually bake. Then again, my electric beater spoilt a couple of weeks back, so I'm left with hand-whisking everything I bake and I'm telling you that shit's like a workout. It's like doing arms day at the gym I swear.

So until I get a new electric beater, I won't be baking bigger stuff like cakes :(

Then again, I'll prolly try the macaron recipes I see on Bryon Talbott's YouTube channel! He does it in such small quantities, all without an electric beater!

I've been hooked on watching cooking and baking videos by the likes of Bryon Talbott, the guys of SORTED (like Ben. Oh Ben you're such a cute geek I love you), and more recently, Donal Skehan.

Guys that can bake (and cook) are just... *inserts heartshaped eyes and mouth opened with drool dripping down here*

Oh well, here's a happy picture of me in Korea to end off this post. Abrupt ending as I have costume shopping to do!

Picture of me in Korea because I really miss this place and I can't wait to head back there when I can! Wait for me, Korea! :)

4:31am Thoughts

It amazes me how time really flies by when you don't notice it.
So earlier on, the hot weather here in Singapore chased me into my room (where I turned on the air-conditioning, despite my horrible cough). I looked at my clock and figured, yeah it's only 2:50am now, I guess I could look for a few more songs on YouTube before I go to bed.
The next thing I knew, I looked up only to realise it was already 3:55am.
Ugh, time.
Was planning to try baking macarons for tomorrow.
After 4 attempts, I feel as though it was my fate – I was made to eat and enjoy them, not bake them...
..then I found Bryon Talbott on YouTube.
Words can't describe what a relief it was to find someone who made making macarons (whoa that's a mouthful) so simple. Plus his recipes are small in terms of quantity. I suppose that would make my heart ache a lot less whenever I have to throw out all my ruined macaron mixtures. Almond meal IS NOT CHEAP.
So yes, if I am able to find the time (and the piping bags) I need to try making macarons for the 5th time tomorrow... then again I have to make a trip to my workplace to submit my time sheet, meet Sam and Chuhui at City Hall after for Sushi Express, and then go costume shopping.
It's hard to believe that our competition's only 8 days away.
Do come down to sarpork my awesome crew if you're free!
Deets: 21st June 2014 (Saturday) Bishan Junction 8 Atrium, Level 2 2pm
This is the first time I'm participating in a competition so close to home and I'm so thankful for that kind of luck! Even more thankful when I found out that stage runs would be from 8am-10am!

On a random sidenote, my life seems to be getting back on track.
I've been a wreck for the longest time. Each time I thought things were starting to look up and started having a bit of hope, I realised how much I was trying to lie to myself. 
Trust me, that feeling's just plain horrible.
I finally decided to pack and clear out some stuff in my room, which hasn't been neat since my birthday 2 months ago. I would wake up every morning stepping on/kicking/tripping/stumbling over something on the ground, which annoyed the shit out of me.
Well you know what they say, if you have a cluttered room, it says something about how your life is at the moment.
I've also found a bit more inspiration of late, and also feel as though my independence is slowly coming back to me, so hurrah!
Another situation has been bogging me down. Then again I'm glad we're both willing to work it out!
While life isn't completely awesome right now, I'll take what I can and be thankful for it. :)

Gwen Bakes: A Chocolate Cake, Carrot Cake & Lemon Pound Cake

Recently I've been dabbling a bit more in baking.

The results?

Pure deliciousness! 

(And a slight weight gain of a kilo during that week. Must be from all that sugar and batter I ate whilst baking.)

My cousin has been coming over to bake ever since my party, and I've learnt quite a bit from her thus far and it's fueling my dreams of working as a pastry chef/opening my own bakery in future.

So I've tried baking a chocolate cake, topped with a thin layer of Nutella, homemade whipped cream and macerated strawberries – this was done on my own.

Nutella makes everything taste so good.

When I looked up the recipe through my Yummly app, my eyes glossed over the measurements and I muttered out an oh no. This is because in all the times I've baked, I would generally fail when I followed recipes that used the American measurements.

For some reason, baking in "cups" and the likes never works out for me.

When I watched as my cake baked in the oven, it didn't come as a surprise to me when I noticed that something was wrong – my cake wasn't rising as much as I thought it should.

(Well it maaaay be because I beat my cake mixture with a whisk. I'm pretty strong, and I seem to have this tendency to over beat things rather quickly.)

It was a simple one-layer cake, and I received pretty good reviews on it even though it didn't rise properly. Then again, the recipe (got it off thepioneerwoman here) was for a 2-layered cake, and from the pictures I've seen on her blog, her cake didn't seem to rise too much as well.

So.. who knows?


My cousin, Nadya, works as a pastry chef and as I mentioned earlier, she's been coming down to bake pretty often with me.

With her, we tried baking 2 cakes:

Carrot cake with cream cheese and lemon zest frosting

This cake turned out to be a success, and it had my whole kitchen smelling like it.

Fluffy, moist.. and eating it with the cream cheese is just.. heaven on Earth.

The downside to this cake was that the recipe required large amounts of egg and sugar, and it was, however, too oily as we also added large amounts of extra virgin olive oil. Mom and I intend to bake this together again, but we'll tweak the recipe to make it slightly healthier and lighter :)

Lemon pound cake with orange zest & juice frosting

This cake was amazing.

I didn't help for this one at all (except to make the frosting).

A pound cake – as it's name suggests – is a rather heavy cake, both literally and figuratively.

When we cut a slice of it to try, we found that we got full and were at the "I think I've had enough" stage pretty quick. It was soooo dense! The frosting was just delicious though, and I'm not saying that just because I was the one who made it.

The boyfriend seemed to disagree when I let him try a bit of it. "What is this???? Ugh it tastes.. weird."

I'm guessing he doesn't like oranges very much..

Oh well.

I can't believe I baked so many cakes in just a week.

The problem with baking a lot in a short span of time when you have a small family? Trying to finish all the cakes! My mom swore she gained a bit of weight and was bloated over the next few days. My brother, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy that we had more desserts lying around in the fridge.

He especially enjoyed my chocolate cake and ate almost a quarter of it the first time round! It warmed my heart and really made me happy (okay I'll admit that one reason is because he's gaining the weight from the cake – not me!) because I love it when people enjoy the things I bake.

I always make sure that I'm in a good mood when baking as I believe that when people eat your baked/cooked goods, they'll be able to "feel" the mood that you stepped into the kitchen with, and it affects the taste of your baked/cooked goods.

It's a silly thought, but that's what keeps me in a good mood while baking in the kitchen. :)

Turning 21 (Part 1)

So.. this post comes 20 days late.

(That's just light being reflected off the 'g', not rust!)

But hey, I'm officially 21!

(I'll be breaking down this post into two parts due to me and my habit of 'talking' a lot here, and also because I have a lot of photos to upload.)

Initially I gave up any idea of holding a birthday party when I found out that the ideal chalet I wanted to hold it at (NSRCC) was fully booked during my birthday week.

One night, I went to Wimbly Lu for desserts with my man and on the way home, we discussed what we wanted to do for our birthdays. That was when he told me he could help me book something even better than NSRCC: Treehouse Villas!

We weighed out the pros and cons, and with the backing of a few friends who assured me that this wouldn't be a flop, we decided to go ahead with the booking of the chalet.

Russ booked the 9th-11th of April for me, with the party being on the 10th – 2 days after my actual party. This caused my mom to make a bit of noise, saying "Why must you celebrate it after the 8th? We're Chinese and normally the Chinese will only celebrate before or on the actual date itself, not after!"

Weeeeeeell I understand it's a bit weird, but with only 2 weeks to the party I really needed all the time I could get to plan it and execute it. I'm a bit of a perfectionist here, you see, and I have this perfect idea in my head which I fully intended to execute.

On 9th of April, I got there at about 5.30 to check in and settle down.

The chalet was beeeeeeautiful! Honestly the prettiest chalet I've been to.

Seriously, the likes of Aloha Loyang cannot compare.

This was the toilet upstairs. The bigger toilet downstairs had doors at the side which led out to the outdoor shower, didn't take a picture of it but it was amazing! 

You could even fill it up with water so it becomes like a tub, but it was really dirty there (with lizard shit and all) so I didn't dare try.

Quin came over after work at about 7. From there we started to make the deco while chatting over a cup of instant hot chocolate she brought for us.

I didn't take much photos of the chalet itself because my DSLR hasn't been fixed yet, but Jerald helped me to snap some shots when he and Becca came over to chill and help with the deco.

Master bedroom

We stayed up till roughly 2am cutting all the triangles and tying them to the trees.

May look simple, but making bunting from scratch is hard – not to mention tiring – work!

Thanks for all the help girls (and Jerald)!

More on day 2 and the actual party in the next part :)